The first thing I felt was an incessant pounding in my head. The blood was rushing in my ears and my entire body felt ill and heavy. As soon as I dared open my eyes, they were immediately forced shut once again by the harsh lighting that felt like a knife slicing through my brain. “Fuck,” I moaned, clutching my forehead and finding instant relief through my freezing palms. A stirring movement to my left caught my attention, and through narrowed eyes I saw Andy sleeping soundly next to me, clutching a pillow. My heart rate was elevated within seconds, and a sudden rush of nausea caused bile to rise in my throat. I barely made it to the bathroom before vomiting every ounce of alcohol that stirred in my stomach until I was dry-heaving. I kneeled in front of the toilet for a little while longer, relishing in the cold tiles beneath me, before flushing and brushing my teeth. The acid still burned the back of my throat, and I gulped down two aspirins to keep the headache at bay.

When I entered the living room everyone but Andy and Ashley were already scattered on the couches, appearing to be suffering through the various stages of their hangovers. Nobody bothered greeting me as I slid down next to Tina and wrapped my arms around my stomach. “I feel so bad,” Lucy mumbled into the cushion she was currently hugging in front of her, while Jake and Jinxx hummed in agreement. “I’m never drinking again,” Jake groaned as he rubbed his hands across his face. We sat like that for a good half hour, merely whining and pitying ourselves, before footsteps could be heard trudging slowly down the stairs. “Jesus Christ,” Andy moaned when he walked into the living room. His hair was disheveled and his face pale, but of course he was able to pull off looking like a living corpse. “Am I the only one feeling like shit?” he mumbled in a voice thick with sleep before slouching into the couch beside CC. Everyone shook their heads, but obviously regretted it as they clutched them with a pained look on their faces.

“What’s for breakfast?” Jinxx asked suddenly, causing everyone but me to perk up at the mentioning of food. “Dunno,” Tina shrugged. “Go look in the pantry.” All the boys immediately shot up and practically ran to the kitchen, while the rest of us rolled our eyes. They ended up cooking some eggs and toast, and an overwhelming sense of nausea hit me once more as I eyed the enormous amount of calories set out on the table. I timidly slid into the last available chair next to Andy and grabbed a dry piece of toast, which I began nibbling on while effortless conversation started around the table. Most of the night was a blur to me, but as I glanced at Andy, a certain memory sparked in my mind. I kissed him. Or rather, he kissed me. Blood instantly flooded to my cheeks and tainted them pink, but I willed the blush down before anyone noticed. He probably didn’t remember. Hell, I barely even remembered.

“Where’s Ashley?” Lucy asked curiously once everyone was done eating. “He went home with some chick, obviously,” CC laughed before high-fiving Jinxx who was sat next to him. Tina rolled her eyes, but with a fond smile still on her face as she gazed at her boyfriend. “I’m gonna go take a shower,” I mumbled as I scooted out of the chair and went to the bathroom upstairs. Once in there, I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was tangled and greasy, my eyes tired and I generally looked plain awful. I winced at the thought of the boys seeing me in a state like this, although they weren’t much better. Then my gaze traveled from my face to my body. Although I had been restricting my intake of calories, I saw no difference at all, which almost made me cry. But I clenched my jaw along with my fists as I turned away from the mirror. “I’m just gonna have to try harder.”

The boys stayed the entire day, to my surprise, and even Ashley came back to hang with us. Since no one was up for drinking two days in a row, we settled with watching movies and playing the Xbox that Ashley had brought. By the time it was 11 pm most people were asleep, and I snuck upstairs to get my running gear. “Where are you going?” Lucy asked just as I finished tying the laces of my shoes. “Just going for a run,” I answered as I shrugged on my jacket and plugged my earphones into my phone. If a diet alone wasn’t gonna help, exercise definitely would. “This late?” She looked at me skeptically, but I waved her off right before opening the door, thus cutting off any response she might have had. “I’ll be safe!”

The air was cool and the pavement rough beneath my feet. Lost It All was blasting in my ears, drowning out the sound of my thumping heartbeat and labored breaths. I ran until my legs gave out, forcing me to lean against the brick wall beside me to catch my breath. Acid was pumping through my veins and lungs, and a smile tugged at my lips at the thought of all the calories I was burning. Within seconds my earbuds were ripped forcefully out of my ears, and with surprise I glanced up into the eyes Adam; one of Nick’s best friends. He looked angry, and it took me a few seconds to realize that my feet had carried me into town, and the wall I was leaning against belonged to the pub we went to last night. “Uh, hi,” I greeted nervously, pushing myself further into the wall to create a larger distance between us. He, however, stepped closer. “I heard you broke up with Nick,” he said, accusation lingering between every word. I swallowed loudly, praying that he wouldn’t do anything to me. “Yeah. It just…” He quickly grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed me into the wall. “… wasn’t working out,” I wheezed, suddenly overcome with dizziness as the air was knocked out of my lungs.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he spat. I closed my eyes tightly as he brought his face closer to mine. Surprisingly, he didn’t reek of alcohol. He was just very, very mad. I had no idea what to answer, so I remained quiet. For a second I contemplated calling Lucy, but there was no way they could get here soon enough. “Fucking answer me!” he shouted, right before he was forcefully pulled away from me. “What the-“ Adam’s question was cut off by a punch to the jaw that had him stumbling to the ground. My feet were rooted to the spot by my shaking knees, and I slowly turned to look at whoever was currently beating the shit out of Adam. It was Andy. And he looked furious.

After the last kick to the stomach, he spat on him. “If you ever come close to her again, I will personally kill you.” Adam didn’t reply - the only indication that he was still alive was the subtle rise and fall of his chest. “Come on,” Andy mumbled as he grabbed my arm and tugged me with him to the car parked on the other side of the street. Once seated inside, he turned to look at me. “Are you alright?” I merely nodded, completely at a loss for words. The recent events had barely had any time to fully register in my brain, and I was even more confused by the fact that Andy was here with me, which caused me to voice my question. He lit the cigarette dangling between his lips quickly before answering. “Lucy was afraid that something would happen to you, and when you hadn’t returned an hour later, she woke me up to come look for you.” Had it really been that long? Without allowing me any time to answer, he continued: “And I’m glad that I did. What the hell were you thinking?” He turned to look at me with furrowed brows, and I instinctively scooted closer to the door. His scolding tone broke my heart, and I mentally cursed myself for upsetting not only Andy, but Lucy as well. Why did I always ruin everything?

Andy looked confused at my retreating motion, but continued nonetheless. “It’s fucking midnight, and you were running around alone! Even I wouldn’t do that, and I’m a fucking idiot.” I snorted at his last comment, which instantly lightened the mood. Andy’s scowl softened to a small smile, and he reached to touch my arm gently with his free hand. “We consider you our friend, and we just don’t want anything to happen to a friend of ours. Alright?” My stomach sank when he called me his “friend”, but I still forced a small smile onto my face. Maybe he didn’t remember. Or maybe he regretted it. Either way, he confirmed what I already knew. I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t good enough for anybody.

Notes