Broken, but he's gonna fix me

My dad has abused me since I was about 7 years old. I've gotten tooken away from him four times but somehow he still got custody. Tonight was the worst night ever.
I came home, and didn't see any lights on. Strange, I thought, usually dad had the lights on because he's scared of the dark. haha, a 45 year old afraid of the dark.
I walk into his room and don't see him anywhere.
Suddenly I feel a hand over my mouth, and an arm around my waist. I try to scream but no one can here me.
"Baby girl, I've been waiting for you to get home, daddy wants to have a little play time. Be good, and daddy won't beat you senseless okay?"
I try and break free but he just holds me tighter. Oh no, I thought, is he going to rape me?
He pushes me down onto his bed, and pulls of my pants. I try to get away but he hits me hard and I get dizzy, he pulls down my underwear and takes off his pants. This can't be happening o thought. My dad wouldn't do this to me.
And before I knew it, it was over, and dad leaves the house to go to a bar, leaving me there in a puddle of tears. I try and get up but my legs won't let me. I am scared. What if he does this again? Should I call the cops. No, he'd beat me senseless.
I think to myself, you deserved this, you're worthless and this is a your fault.
I go to my room, and pull out a blade from my box, and start to cut my wrists. Its always calmed me, seeing blood pour from my body.
Before long, I fall asleep.

Notes

I'm going to go to sleep. Ill post more tomorrow.