So you're a fan

Hey guys, I have some news for you.

Lately I haven't been myself, people at school would always ask me "Why are you always so sad?" when I'm really not. But now that they keep saying it, I do get sad now and every now and then (really often) I feel like crying for no reason. I have had suicidal thoughts. I had thought about cutting and I actual have cut a few times. I want to stop, but I don't know any other way to cope with this. I have been a fan of a band called My Chemical Romance (If you haven't heard of them, they are amazing and helped me before) for such a long time (About 9 years) and they helped me through the toughest times. They were so relatable and it broke my heart so much when they broke up. They helped me cope with so many things in my past because they've gone through the same thing, and they were once outcasts too. It breaks my fucking heart that nobody gives a shit about me. I want somebody to tell me that they love me and that I'm not alone, I want somebody to hold me close and hug me when I need them. I want somebody who understands me completely and that will never cheat, abuse, or leave me. I can't wait for the day when I have somebody who actually cares about me. It makes me so sad and I feel so lonely. I have no fucking friends at school and for a long time i sat alone at lunch until these kids were actually nice enough and asked if I wanted to sit with them. I'm such an outcast that nobody likes. I hate myself. It hurts me everyday, knowing that I'm a nobody and that nobody is ever going to love me. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I want it to all end, but I think to myself that maybe it does get better, and maybe there is still hope in the future. My mum would say that its just the kids that don't talk, but its actually me that nobody likes. I'm a loser. A failure. I wasnt meant to be. I wish I was different. I wish I was the girl that everybody loved. I don't get why kids find it funny to make fun of me or befriend me and only pretend that it was real. They are all fake. They use me for entertainment, try to make me feel good but lie in the end. Back-stabers, I cried at school once because of my "Friends" talked behind my back and laughed at me. I seriously don't know 'till this day what they were laughing at. Maybe I just took it very personally, but it hurt my feelings no matter what. After that day they didn't even talk to me ever again. I still sat with them at lunch for about a month and then I thought that there was really no reason for me being at that table so I sat alone and after like half the year went by, a HUGE group of girls asked me if I wanted to sit with them. I don't have a group of people at school who are like me, (mental sicknesses, like depression/major depression, anxiety, or stress) but these girls are so nice, and they are like the geek group of the school/grade. I had 2 other friends that I moved away from, and one of them befriended me because she found a new best friend, she talks about her all the time and she seems so annoyed now that I FaceTime her and text her. She would always make up an excuse to not talk to me, she would say something like "I got to sleep" when it's only about 8pm on a Friday.
Anyways, thank you for listening. If you have anything you want to talk to me about just message me. I'm here for you if you need somebody. I'm here if you're here for me too. We can deal with things together. If you have any feedback about my story you could always comment or just message me. If you have any ideas I will take them. Thank you! I love you all. I hope things get better. Wish me luck for the future :)


~Emily Xx

Notes

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