I'm a Loaded Gun
In the End
I sank to the floor of the bathroom, feeling the cold tiles chilling my skin. I stared at the silver blade. It was brand new. Marveling at its reflective face, I touched a finger lightly to the edge of the blade, satisfied as I felt it pierce the skin of my fingertip. I pulled it back to see a small dot of blood forming on the prick mark. I picked up a tissue off the counter and dabbed my finger. It dried quickly.
I don't know how long I sat on the floor, staring at the blade. My mind was racing. I couldn't think of anything other than the piercing words of Annmarie. Go die. I hope you bleed out, hoping you could have been one of us when you wanted to. Go die. No one cares. No one cares....no one cares about me. It's hard to believe Annmarie and I had once been best friends. In elementary we had played almost every day together. We did everything in school together, we had our parties together, and spent almost every summer swimming in her pool and going out on her dads boat on the lake. In junior high we met students from the other two elementary schools. I had always been the shy one, and in term, got left behind for Annmarie's new friends. I tried fitting in with them, but all they began to care about was makeup, hair, clothes, and all that stuff. They listened to rap music since that was the "cool" thing. I looked to my older brother who was in high school for guidance. He woukd pick me up from school in his car blasting Blink 182, Good Charlotte, The Misfits, and Anberlin. I asked him to teach me about his music, since I liked the sound. I spent hours in his room, listening to his music, watching him play guitar and going to every show his band played. I then started dressing like him, with ripped jeans, band shirts, and vans or converse. I finally felt...good. I felt...happy. Annmarie and her new friends didn't understand, and started calling me goth and freak. I looked in her eyes praying for mercy, but only found a cold statue of who I used to be friends with. She glared at me and scoffed, walking off with her band of populars. I sat alone almost everyday of eighth grade. I didn't talk to anyone anymore. I didn't participate in class. I just say back and tried to be invisible, but that never happened. High school was even worse. I was the real freak. I was weird. I tried to commit suicide when I was 15, the second half of freshman year. I felt...alone. I felt misunderstood. I tried to overdose myself with some pills I found in my dads medicine cabinet. That's when I found Black Veil Brides. I was sitting here, in this exact spot in my bathroom. I had a handful of pills and a bottle of tea, my favorite. I what been shaking, crying. It was the end of the road. I was at the end of a short rope and I was ready to let go. I was ready to end it. I stopped crying when I heard my pandora still playing on my laptop in my room, my suicide note sitting on its screen. I heard A guitar playing. It sounded exactly like how I felt, hopeless. I held up the pills to my mouth. My hands were trembling, tears streaking down my face. I heard a beautiful voice.
Those times in life we learn to try, with one intention, of learning how and when well die, but we can't listen.
I closed my eyes, savoring the sound.
I wish to God I'd known that I, I didn't stand a chance of looking back and knowing why, a pain of circumstance.
Youre not alone, we'll brave this storm.
So here's my song I wrote in time, when it was needed, through pain of heart or loss of mind your burdens lifted.
You aren't alone, just know that I can't save our hearts tonight
youre not alone, we'll brave this storm. Let's face today.
Youre not alone.
Youre not alone, and well brave this storm. Let's face today.
Youre not alone.
You're not alone, and well brave this storm.
Youre not alone.
I felt the tears welling up. Nothing could save me now, no one could save me. Do it Reya. Just do it. Take a breath and do it. There's nothing left. Accept your death. It's here. Do it. I took a breath and help the blade to my wrist. I closed my eyes and pressed it into my skin. I couldn't tell what was more powerful, the pain, or the sick satisfaction of doing it. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into the wall. I did it again, and again...and again. I dropped the blade on the tile floor, hearing it "ping" as it hit the floor. I could feel the warmth on my wrist, dripping down my palms and off the tip of my fingers. I looked down, the red life of my body, blossoming, and lining in little streaks, moving slowly down my hand. The pain began fading. I smiled at the work I had done. My eyes felt heavy, and little black dots began to cloud my vision. Here's it is. Hello death. Hello my escape. Ahh yes, goodbye pain. I sighed with relief as I closed my eyes. I dropped my arm to the floor, feeling the puddle of blood cling onto the back of my hand. I leaned my head back against the cold wall. My legs had been pulled up to my chest, but they slowly slid down.
It's over. It's finally over.
"Reya?... Reya?...Reya where are you?" It was Andy. He began yelling. "REYA? REYA?"
I could hear Siren too. "Reya? Reya please? Rey? Reyalie?" she sounded panicked.
I kept my eyes closed. I could hear them opening doors and running around the house. I heard my bedroom door open, but the bathroom door was locked. I heard it rattle. "REYA? Let me in! It's me, Siren!" She pounded on the door. I couldn't move. Death was here. I could feel it. My arm was cold, I was tired. This was it. My eternal sleep was here.
Footsteps ran into Brandins room, shit I didn't locked the side to Brandon's room. I heard the door open. Death wrapped me in his embrace, pulling me into the darkness. I could feel the warm embrace of my death, holding me, comforting me to die. Fading...falling...peace....peace.
I don't know how long I sat on the floor, staring at the blade. My mind was racing. I couldn't think of anything other than the piercing words of Annmarie. Go die. I hope you bleed out, hoping you could have been one of us when you wanted to. Go die. No one cares. No one cares....no one cares about me. It's hard to believe Annmarie and I had once been best friends. In elementary we had played almost every day together. We did everything in school together, we had our parties together, and spent almost every summer swimming in her pool and going out on her dads boat on the lake. In junior high we met students from the other two elementary schools. I had always been the shy one, and in term, got left behind for Annmarie's new friends. I tried fitting in with them, but all they began to care about was makeup, hair, clothes, and all that stuff. They listened to rap music since that was the "cool" thing. I looked to my older brother who was in high school for guidance. He woukd pick me up from school in his car blasting Blink 182, Good Charlotte, The Misfits, and Anberlin. I asked him to teach me about his music, since I liked the sound. I spent hours in his room, listening to his music, watching him play guitar and going to every show his band played. I then started dressing like him, with ripped jeans, band shirts, and vans or converse. I finally felt...good. I felt...happy. Annmarie and her new friends didn't understand, and started calling me goth and freak. I looked in her eyes praying for mercy, but only found a cold statue of who I used to be friends with. She glared at me and scoffed, walking off with her band of populars. I sat alone almost everyday of eighth grade. I didn't talk to anyone anymore. I didn't participate in class. I just say back and tried to be invisible, but that never happened. High school was even worse. I was the real freak. I was weird. I tried to commit suicide when I was 15, the second half of freshman year. I felt...alone. I felt misunderstood. I tried to overdose myself with some pills I found in my dads medicine cabinet. That's when I found Black Veil Brides. I was sitting here, in this exact spot in my bathroom. I had a handful of pills and a bottle of tea, my favorite. I what been shaking, crying. It was the end of the road. I was at the end of a short rope and I was ready to let go. I was ready to end it. I stopped crying when I heard my pandora still playing on my laptop in my room, my suicide note sitting on its screen. I heard A guitar playing. It sounded exactly like how I felt, hopeless. I held up the pills to my mouth. My hands were trembling, tears streaking down my face. I heard a beautiful voice.
Those times in life we learn to try, with one intention, of learning how and when well die, but we can't listen.
I closed my eyes, savoring the sound.
I wish to God I'd known that I, I didn't stand a chance of looking back and knowing why, a pain of circumstance.
Youre not alone, we'll brave this storm.
So here's my song I wrote in time, when it was needed, through pain of heart or loss of mind your burdens lifted.
You aren't alone, just know that I can't save our hearts tonight
youre not alone, we'll brave this storm. Let's face today.
Youre not alone.
Youre not alone, and well brave this storm. Let's face today.
Youre not alone.
You're not alone, and well brave this storm.
Youre not alone.
I felt the tears welling up. Nothing could save me now, no one could save me. Do it Reya. Just do it. Take a breath and do it. There's nothing left. Accept your death. It's here. Do it. I took a breath and help the blade to my wrist. I closed my eyes and pressed it into my skin. I couldn't tell what was more powerful, the pain, or the sick satisfaction of doing it. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into the wall. I did it again, and again...and again. I dropped the blade on the tile floor, hearing it "ping" as it hit the floor. I could feel the warmth on my wrist, dripping down my palms and off the tip of my fingers. I looked down, the red life of my body, blossoming, and lining in little streaks, moving slowly down my hand. The pain began fading. I smiled at the work I had done. My eyes felt heavy, and little black dots began to cloud my vision. Here's it is. Hello death. Hello my escape. Ahh yes, goodbye pain. I sighed with relief as I closed my eyes. I dropped my arm to the floor, feeling the puddle of blood cling onto the back of my hand. I leaned my head back against the cold wall. My legs had been pulled up to my chest, but they slowly slid down.
It's over. It's finally over.
"Reya?... Reya?...Reya where are you?" It was Andy. He began yelling. "REYA? REYA?"
I could hear Siren too. "Reya? Reya please? Rey? Reyalie?" she sounded panicked.
I kept my eyes closed. I could hear them opening doors and running around the house. I heard my bedroom door open, but the bathroom door was locked. I heard it rattle. "REYA? Let me in! It's me, Siren!" She pounded on the door. I couldn't move. Death was here. I could feel it. My arm was cold, I was tired. This was it. My eternal sleep was here.
Footsteps ran into Brandins room, shit I didn't locked the side to Brandon's room. I heard the door open. Death wrapped me in his embrace, pulling me into the darkness. I could feel the warm embrace of my death, holding me, comforting me to die. Fading...falling...peace....peace.
Go till you have no more and then make that the end please dont make a sequel
8/27/15