Maybe there's still hope
Memory lane
It's been a week since John died and a week since my world turned upside down. At the funeral my parents were there and did nothing but glare at me. I was glad I was away from them.
We just came from burying him and were on our way to his house so I could take some things.
I was in the backseat Laying on cc. I haven't talked much or came out of my room much in the last week. I've been self harming too but they haven't noticed just yet. We pulled up and got out of the car.
Carol and her husband Dave were walking in the same time as us. We all walked in the door.
" guys you can go sit in the living room, Jess you can come with me" carol said smiling at me. Cc squeezed my shoulder and walked away with the others.
Me and carol walked up the stairs silently to johns room. The door was still closed.
" you can take whatever you want okay sweety? " She asked and I smiled nodding.She gave me a hug . She was like my second mother growing up.
" call me if you need Me" she said and walked down the stairs.
I took a breath in and slowly opened the door. Tears immediately filled my eyes as I looked around his room. It was a dark red with band posters all around. His bed was on the right wall with a dresser next to it and his desk was on the other wall. Stuff was all over the floor and his guitars were in the corner.The one that he taught me on was on its stand. I walked over to it and smiled remembering when I was 6 me and him both learned at the same time.
It was an old acoustic. His lucky pic was between the strings. I took it and held it in my hands. I slipped it in my pocket and went to his desk ,his black bag with red splatters was sitting on it. I took it and took the school stuff out. I took his favorite drumsticks off his desk and put them in it. I put it on the bed and went to his dresser. I took his favorite black and red vans shirt, and his falling reverse and the used shirts from it and put them in the bag also. I walked to his desk and saw 3 picture frames. I picked one up and smiled.
It was me and him freshmen year during a marching band game. Me and him were next to eachother with drumsticks in our hands and our marching snares on. His warm smile shown proudly.
I looked at the next frame and it was me and him from last year. We were in his back yard . I was on his back my arms tight around his kneck and his arms were under my legs . We both were smiling like mad as carol took the picture. Tears fell down as I remembered it.
The last one was when we were 6. It was his birthday party and we were in his living room. His arm was around me and he was kissing my cheek with his messy black hair in his face. I had a smile on my face.
My eyes blurred and a tear fell on the frame. He's been there for me through thick and thin. I've grown up with him and now he's gone.
I sighed and picked all the frames up. I put them in the bag and went back to the desk. His class ring was on it. A simple chain was next to it. I put the ring on the chain and put it around my kneck.
I went to his bed side table and saw another picture . It was from last years talent show . I was in black skinny jeans and a bvb shirt and he was in an asking Alexandria shirt with red jeans. I had flowers in my hands and his arm was around me outside the front of the school. I had won first place by singing the morticians daughter and playing guitar.
From that day on he always told me I belonged on stage.
" I'll make it Johnny, I'll make you proud" I whispered touching the frame before putting it in the bag. I picked the bag up and slung it around my shoulders. I went to the corner and put the acoustic guitar in the case and picked it up.
I went to the door and looked back. I remembered all the times I was in here, playing music, playing video games an goofing off. I sighed and walked put . I closed the door and wiped my eyes just as carol came back up.
" hey I was just coming to check on you, you get all you wanted?" She asked and I nodded.
" is it okay if I take the guitar? " I asked and she nodded.
" of course! I know it was you and his favorite" she smiled and hugged me.
" I can't believe he's gone " she said and I sighed.
" I know me neither" I said .
" we'll we should get downstairs , you have to catch your flight soon." She said and I nodded.
I walked down and into the living room where everybody was talking.
Jake ,Andy, and Ashley were on the couch while jinxx and cc were standing . Dave was int the chair. The girls didn't come. Sammi and Juliet had to go with their bands and Ella was in England doing photo shoots.
They looked up and saw me in the door way.
" hey Jess" jake said.
I gave a weak smile as I looked at the room with all of johns class pictures.
" we should probably head out so we make our flight" Ashley said standing up.
Dave came Over and hugged me.
" take care of yourself and don't be a stranger you know your like our kid so visit us some time" he said and smiled
" I will don't worry"
Carol came over an hugged me.
" I love you sweety take care" she said as the guys shook Dave's hand.
We walked out the door my hand gripping the fabric guitar case and backpack.
" it'll be okay Jess" Andy said rubbing my shoulder as we got to the car.
-----
Me and jake arrived back at his house after dropping the rest off at 10pm.
He had the guitar and I had the bag.
" can I see the guitar?" He asked as we walked up the stairs.
" yeah" I said softly and walked in the room. He handed me it and I put it on the bed.
I took out the old acoustic and handed it to him.
" wow this is old" he said and I smiled.
" he got it for his 6th birthday and that's what me and him learned on."
" that's so cool" he said putting it gently in the case.
" want to see what else I got?" I asked he looked like he wanted to ask but didn't want to make me emotional.
" only if your okay with it"
I smiled and undid the back pack.
I took out the drumsticks shirts and picture frames and put then on the bed.
He picked up the frame of us as little kids.
" aww you were so cute" he teased and I smacked him with my right hand .
" shit I forgot you have a weapon now" he said and I laughed.
He put the frame down and took the one from the talent show.
" what's this from?" He asked
" it was last years talent show, I won first place by playing the morticians daughter on this guitar" I said pointing to the guitar.
" wow"
He picked up the one from marching band .
" when was this? You look young in it" he said.
" freshmen year" I said and he nodded.
He picked up the last one from the back yard and laughed.
" you guys were really close " he said and. I nodded weakly.
" yeah he was my brother basically" I said and jake put his arms around me.
" he'll always be with you, and so will I, ill never leave you."he said and kissed my forehead.
" I love you jake"
" I love you too remember that." He squeezed me as let go.
I put the pictures on my bedside table and put the drumsticks on my desk. I put the guitar on the corner and kept the shirts in the bag and put it on my desk.
" Jess do you think you'll be okay for school on Monday?" He asked. It was Saturday.
I turned around.
" yeah ill be fine" I said and he smiled.
" I'll let you get changed and ill make something for dinner okay?" He asked and I nodded.
He left and closed the door.
I took my cloths off and put on johns vans shirt . It bagged on me a little but it comfy . I put on black sport shorts just as I got a call. I checked it and saw it was cc. I picked it up
" hello?" I asked
" hey , I was just checking to see how you were". I smiled. I loved how much he cared.
" I'm fine cc"
" are you sure ?
" I'm fine I've been through this before.. "
I heard him sigh.
" I know it's tough Jess, you'll get through it though ,ill help you , we all will okay?" He asked and I smiled
" I know, hey I have to go jakes waiting with food"
He chuckled
" go eat , I love you"
" i love you too "
He hung up and I smiled.
I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. The oven was on and jake was drinking a glass of water.
" whatcha making?" I asked.
" pizza"
I nodded.
" so were going to the studio tomorrow.. Since the girls are away you can come with us it you want might be boring but beats sitting here"
" I'll come as you said beats sitting here" I said and he smiled just as the oven beeped.
" finally!" He yelled turning the oven off and taking the pizza put. I laughed and went to help him.
After dinner I was Laing in my bed starring at my walls clutching johns ring. I started to cry no matter how much I tried not to. I felt the bed dip and arms go around me.
" I know Jess"
It was jake.
I turned and buried my face in his chest crying. He rubbed my back while I cried.
When I calmed down I wiped my eyes.
" I'm sorry"
" don't be, your upset I understand I'm here , just try to sleep" he said and I relaxed against him until darkness took over me.
We just came from burying him and were on our way to his house so I could take some things.
I was in the backseat Laying on cc. I haven't talked much or came out of my room much in the last week. I've been self harming too but they haven't noticed just yet. We pulled up and got out of the car.
Carol and her husband Dave were walking in the same time as us. We all walked in the door.
" guys you can go sit in the living room, Jess you can come with me" carol said smiling at me. Cc squeezed my shoulder and walked away with the others.
Me and carol walked up the stairs silently to johns room. The door was still closed.
" you can take whatever you want okay sweety? " She asked and I smiled nodding.She gave me a hug . She was like my second mother growing up.
" call me if you need Me" she said and walked down the stairs.
I took a breath in and slowly opened the door. Tears immediately filled my eyes as I looked around his room. It was a dark red with band posters all around. His bed was on the right wall with a dresser next to it and his desk was on the other wall. Stuff was all over the floor and his guitars were in the corner.The one that he taught me on was on its stand. I walked over to it and smiled remembering when I was 6 me and him both learned at the same time.
It was an old acoustic. His lucky pic was between the strings. I took it and held it in my hands. I slipped it in my pocket and went to his desk ,his black bag with red splatters was sitting on it. I took it and took the school stuff out. I took his favorite drumsticks off his desk and put them in it. I put it on the bed and went to his dresser. I took his favorite black and red vans shirt, and his falling reverse and the used shirts from it and put them in the bag also. I walked to his desk and saw 3 picture frames. I picked one up and smiled.
It was me and him freshmen year during a marching band game. Me and him were next to eachother with drumsticks in our hands and our marching snares on. His warm smile shown proudly.
I looked at the next frame and it was me and him from last year. We were in his back yard . I was on his back my arms tight around his kneck and his arms were under my legs . We both were smiling like mad as carol took the picture. Tears fell down as I remembered it.
The last one was when we were 6. It was his birthday party and we were in his living room. His arm was around me and he was kissing my cheek with his messy black hair in his face. I had a smile on my face.
My eyes blurred and a tear fell on the frame. He's been there for me through thick and thin. I've grown up with him and now he's gone.
I sighed and picked all the frames up. I put them in the bag and went back to the desk. His class ring was on it. A simple chain was next to it. I put the ring on the chain and put it around my kneck.
I went to his bed side table and saw another picture . It was from last years talent show . I was in black skinny jeans and a bvb shirt and he was in an asking Alexandria shirt with red jeans. I had flowers in my hands and his arm was around me outside the front of the school. I had won first place by singing the morticians daughter and playing guitar.
From that day on he always told me I belonged on stage.
" I'll make it Johnny, I'll make you proud" I whispered touching the frame before putting it in the bag. I picked the bag up and slung it around my shoulders. I went to the corner and put the acoustic guitar in the case and picked it up.
I went to the door and looked back. I remembered all the times I was in here, playing music, playing video games an goofing off. I sighed and walked put . I closed the door and wiped my eyes just as carol came back up.
" hey I was just coming to check on you, you get all you wanted?" She asked and I nodded.
" is it okay if I take the guitar? " I asked and she nodded.
" of course! I know it was you and his favorite" she smiled and hugged me.
" I can't believe he's gone " she said and I sighed.
" I know me neither" I said .
" we'll we should get downstairs , you have to catch your flight soon." She said and I nodded.
I walked down and into the living room where everybody was talking.
Jake ,Andy, and Ashley were on the couch while jinxx and cc were standing . Dave was int the chair. The girls didn't come. Sammi and Juliet had to go with their bands and Ella was in England doing photo shoots.
They looked up and saw me in the door way.
" hey Jess" jake said.
I gave a weak smile as I looked at the room with all of johns class pictures.
" we should probably head out so we make our flight" Ashley said standing up.
Dave came Over and hugged me.
" take care of yourself and don't be a stranger you know your like our kid so visit us some time" he said and smiled
" I will don't worry"
Carol came over an hugged me.
" I love you sweety take care" she said as the guys shook Dave's hand.
We walked out the door my hand gripping the fabric guitar case and backpack.
" it'll be okay Jess" Andy said rubbing my shoulder as we got to the car.
-----
Me and jake arrived back at his house after dropping the rest off at 10pm.
He had the guitar and I had the bag.
" can I see the guitar?" He asked as we walked up the stairs.
" yeah" I said softly and walked in the room. He handed me it and I put it on the bed.
I took out the old acoustic and handed it to him.
" wow this is old" he said and I smiled.
" he got it for his 6th birthday and that's what me and him learned on."
" that's so cool" he said putting it gently in the case.
" want to see what else I got?" I asked he looked like he wanted to ask but didn't want to make me emotional.
" only if your okay with it"
I smiled and undid the back pack.
I took out the drumsticks shirts and picture frames and put then on the bed.
He picked up the frame of us as little kids.
" aww you were so cute" he teased and I smacked him with my right hand .
" shit I forgot you have a weapon now" he said and I laughed.
He put the frame down and took the one from the talent show.
" what's this from?" He asked
" it was last years talent show, I won first place by playing the morticians daughter on this guitar" I said pointing to the guitar.
" wow"
He picked up the one from marching band .
" when was this? You look young in it" he said.
" freshmen year" I said and he nodded.
He picked up the last one from the back yard and laughed.
" you guys were really close " he said and. I nodded weakly.
" yeah he was my brother basically" I said and jake put his arms around me.
" he'll always be with you, and so will I, ill never leave you."he said and kissed my forehead.
" I love you jake"
" I love you too remember that." He squeezed me as let go.
I put the pictures on my bedside table and put the drumsticks on my desk. I put the guitar on the corner and kept the shirts in the bag and put it on my desk.
" Jess do you think you'll be okay for school on Monday?" He asked. It was Saturday.
I turned around.
" yeah ill be fine" I said and he smiled.
" I'll let you get changed and ill make something for dinner okay?" He asked and I nodded.
He left and closed the door.
I took my cloths off and put on johns vans shirt . It bagged on me a little but it comfy . I put on black sport shorts just as I got a call. I checked it and saw it was cc. I picked it up
" hello?" I asked
" hey , I was just checking to see how you were". I smiled. I loved how much he cared.
" I'm fine cc"
" are you sure ?
" I'm fine I've been through this before.. "
I heard him sigh.
" I know it's tough Jess, you'll get through it though ,ill help you , we all will okay?" He asked and I smiled
" I know, hey I have to go jakes waiting with food"
He chuckled
" go eat , I love you"
" i love you too "
He hung up and I smiled.
I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. The oven was on and jake was drinking a glass of water.
" whatcha making?" I asked.
" pizza"
I nodded.
" so were going to the studio tomorrow.. Since the girls are away you can come with us it you want might be boring but beats sitting here"
" I'll come as you said beats sitting here" I said and he smiled just as the oven beeped.
" finally!" He yelled turning the oven off and taking the pizza put. I laughed and went to help him.
After dinner I was Laing in my bed starring at my walls clutching johns ring. I started to cry no matter how much I tried not to. I felt the bed dip and arms go around me.
" I know Jess"
It was jake.
I turned and buried my face in his chest crying. He rubbed my back while I cried.
When I calmed down I wiped my eyes.
" I'm sorry"
" don't be, your upset I understand I'm here , just try to sleep" he said and I relaxed against him until darkness took over me.
@LindseyBVBarmy
I'm glad!:)
2/20/14