The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Owen’s POV*

As we walked through Downtown, I had an idea. “Hey, dude, why don’t you bring Lilith, like, a flower or something, as a thank you for saving our asses?”

Z snorted in disgust. “Are you out of your mind? Lillith is a client, motherfucker! What we do is business, that’s all-“

“-I fucking know that, dickhead, and I’m saying, why don’t you improve client relations by sending her a thank you card, so to speak! Lilith made sure your gamble with our souls paid off! Note that I say ‘our’ souls, you asshole, as in, your non-consensual, uninformed, hazardous maneuvering that involved my fate as well as yours! Which means we’re in this together, making us a team. Thus, you’re going to listen to my suggestions, whether you like it or not.”

Z looked at me, blowing smoke out of his nose. “Well…” I grew hopeful. “I ain’t paying for it. Where the hell are we going to find a flower around here? This isn’t exactly a forested area, genius. Or full or agriculture and farm life. Do you see cows, dropping shit, leading to blooming daisies by the side of the road? No? Me neither, dude.”

Z trundled on, but I was pleased to notice that he started looking around furtively as he was walking. After a while, we did, against all odds, find a dandelion trying to make a stand in the concrete. Z reluctantly, muttering to himself, plucked it out of the ground, and soon enough we found ourselves back at the Devil’s doorstep.

Before we could knock, the door was opened, revealing the froggy doorman. He proffered Z an ashtray for his dwindling cigarette, and then we followed him through the hallways to a different locale than previous. We went down several flights of stairs to a garage.

Holy shit! The Dark Lord had a lot of cars, trucks, tanks, buses, ambulances, every kind of vehicle from every era I had ever seen! Frog-fellow never wavered, however, and steadfastly led us through row after row. After a while of walking through exclusively hearses, we found Satan looking very bouncy.

“Boys! I need to know something. Can either of you drive a stick shift?” I nodded, and saw Z do so as well. “Excellent!” The Devil looked terribly pleased with himself, and in a good mood to boot. I hoped to keep that going.

Lucifer pointed at a pretty sick-looking old hearse. “I’ve gotten you a nice Cadillac hearse from the 60s. It’s in mint condition, and I’ve had the back outfitted so that you’ll have a place to sleep in an emergency, in case you can’t find a motel.” Z and I both looked at each other, pretty stoked.

“Let’s go through everything I’ve prepared for you. Just set your things down for the moment.” Satan motioned us both over, and, taking my breath away, three chairs appeared out of nowhere.

“Fuck!” Z said softly.

Satan chuckled like an indulgent father. “Sorry, sorry! I forget, sometimes! I’m just so excited to show you the stuff I’ve put together; it’s been ages since I’ve had a project, really. Have a seat.” Z and I both sat.

It was then that Lucifer noticed the dandelion in Z's hand, and looked at it a bit askew. Z smirked, handing it to him. “That is for Lilith, from me. For being such a sweetheart.”

Satan opened his mouth, but was interrupted by the sound of a high-pitched squeal, as Lilith materialized next to her father, snatching the flower out of his hand. “Thank you, baby! Have fun on your trip, and watch that hot, little ass of-“

Satan sighed. “-Thank you, Lilith! I’m sure Z will be perfectly safe!”

She rounded on her father with lightning in her eyes. “Will you watch him, Daddy? Will you make sure he gets back safe?!?”

Nervously, Satan glanced at the two of us, not sure if he was supposed to watch us. Z shrugged, and the Devil smiled a toothy smile, patting his rather demanding daughter fondly on the arm. “My dear, you know very well that Z is a full grown man, and capable of taking care of himself. I will always be there for him, should he need me, during his trip. But I wouldn’t want to disrespect him by watching him at all times-“

“Daddy, give him your cell phone number!” You could see the color drain from his face as she said it. “Give him your number, or I’m never speaking to you again! What if he needs help, an amulet isn’t fast enough, you know it’s not!”

And just like that, the Lord of the Underworld bowed his mighty head and sighed. “If it will make you happy. And only if it means you will leave us in peace to conduct our business, Lilith. Now. So give your Daddy a kiss on the forehead and go run and play, sweetheart.”

Lilith, a grown woman, gave the Devil a peck on the forehead and disappeared. He rolled his eyes after she had vanished. “I tell you boys, children are a handful, a real handful.” Twin curls of smoke briefly came out of each nostril as he sighed, before he brightened again.

“But what was I saying? Ah yes. Here are your wallets.” He handed us each a simple billfold. “You’ll note they each contain a driver’s license, please memorize your new last names. You both also have one credit card, with each having a limit of $5,000 that will be paid off daily. I’ve put some American currency in there as well. And, furthermore, you each have a debit card for Wells Fargo, the PIN number is 666, I felt that had stylistic flair." My eyebrows went up into my damned hairline. I really wasn't expecting this!

“Additionally, for each of you, I have a small backpack of supplies.” These materialized next to our chairs, startling both Z and I, and making Lucifer giggle. “In the main pocket you’ll find my manual, a guide if you will. It’s a list of tips on how to best 'fake' being alive during a resurrection, based on what I’ve learned from other dead souls in the past. You’ll also find some basic toiletries. In the second pocket, you’ll find communication supplies. There’s an invocation amulet for both of you, which is, more or less, a really old-school way of summoning me to Earth. There are instructions for its use in the guide. However, since I’m giving you my cell number, at Lilith’s bloody insistence, it should be a moot point, unless you both lose the cell phones I got you to communicate with each other. The ones you have now won’t get reception topside. If you could both get them out from that second pocket, I’ll enter my number in.”

We both got our new phones out and handed them over. Satan entered his number in. “I’m calling myself ‘Bob,’ in case your phone gets lost or stolen. The last thing I need is some living human cracking into a phone that has my number in it. If you could take a second to put a code lock on your phones, I’d appreciate it.” I didn’t understand what he meant, I hadn’t upgraded to that technology down here, and I'd apparently died before it was common, so Z had to explain it to me. Satan motioned at our bags. “There are chargers in your bags too. Make sure you plug them in at night, as the hearse won’t work for charging.” Satan grinned.

“All right. Last few things. In the smaller pockets of your pack are coins for Charon and River’s Stones. I put extra in case you boys do something stupid. You only need one River’s Stone to summon an opening to the River Styx, at any river. Just follow the signs, it will be obvious how to get back, as you may recall from when you died. Each of you will need to pay the old Ferryman a coin to cross when you return. I’m walking you there myself when you depart, thus, as it’s on my authority, Charon will take you over, to the land of the living, for free. But to bring you back, when you are finished, because you’ve crossed once before for free, you will each need a coin. Understood?” We both nodded.

Rather abruptly, the Dark Lord’s eyes darkened, and his grin grew a bit sinister. “Just remember the terms. The deal was for two weeks, as I recall, and not a moment longer. You must find a body of water, and return here, at or before then, or you have broken your end of the deal, and will find yourself in a lot of debt to me. Nyesss?”

I didn’t wait for Z to whip his dick out and throw a show. “That won’t be a problem, sir. Beam me up, Scotty!”

Instantly, Satan was smiling brightly again, sharp teeth on display, and weird eyes bright with enthusiasm. “Do you like Star Trek too?!? I’ve always wanted to meet DeForest Kelley, but I was afraid he'd be too intimidated.”

I shook my head. “Just send him a note first, let him know you’re a big fan of Bones, so that he knows he’s not in trouble. I’m sure he’d be flattered.”

Lucifer stroked his chin, considering, and Z looked at us both with disgust. “I'll think about it, good idea. Oh, I wanted to ask, just, off the record…” Satan looked somewhat nervous. “Not as a bargain, but just as a favor. If you could bring me back any Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I’d be really grateful.”

I shrugged. Why not? “I’ll see what I can do.”

Notes

QOTD:

1. Are you a Star Trek fan?
(yes)

2. Do you like Reese's Peanut Putter Cups?
(yes)