The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Gwyn’s POV*

Andy started started tapping his pen rapidly on the side of his notebook. Oh man, I hated it when people did that. I inwardly groaned. “Dude, you can have a cigarette, it’s ok. Just use my little soda can ashtray when you’re done.”

I caught Andy smiling gratefully at me out of the corner of my eye. It made me feel slightly less like I wanted to howl when he took my suggestion. Hmph. I realized I was speeding and opted for cruise control, since (miraculously for the Pacific Northwest) it wasn’t raining and there weren’t any puddles. “Do you have any siblings?"

Eh? Oh, the questions, right… I had been busy grumping and driving. “Um, yeah. I have one little sister, Maria. We’re really different, though. I mean, REALLY different. She’s like, only five feet tall-“

“-are you serious?” Andy sounded pretty incredulous. I wasn’t surprised. When people saw my sister and I together, we were a pretty odd pair.

“Totally. When she first got her license, she used to get pulled over because officers thought a little kid was joyriding.” Andy laughed, and I chuckled at the memory. “She’s also totally blonde. I mean, not just naturally, we both are, but her personality is, uh, more blonde than mine, if you catch my drift.” Andy grunted. “Like, I was always getting good grades and doing art, and while my parents always wanted us both to get good grades, they never encouraged her to do art. And Maria was always doing sports. She did soccer, gymnastics, and cheerleading. Now she teaches gymnastics and is a professional chef, she went to culinary school.”

Andy turned and looked at me. “You guys sound pretty different. I don’t have any siblings. Are you close? I mean, it kind of doesn’t sound like it…”

I hesitated. “In a way, we’re really close, in other ways we’re just too different. Like, I dunno…” I had no idea how to explain to an only, male child, the whole thing about being an older daughter that got the shit end of the stick in terms of certain things compared to my younger sister without sounding weird, so I didn't.

“We both swear a lot, but I think I do it more creatively, I think she just uses ‘fuck’ most often.” Andy laughed at that. “She’s got more anxiety issues as opposed to dysthymia or depression, I think, and a lot of sometimes explosive anger. And she’s really into traditional relationships, like monogamy and kids.I ’m ok with being an auntie to her kids or whatever, but I would never, ever have children of my own, I’d rather die.“

I noticed Andy tense a little, and I suddenly got a bad feeling. Had we not talked about this? I thought we had. I stopped talking, acutely uncomfortable. I glanced at Andy, and he was looking at his notebook. Shit, what did I say? Did Andy have kids?

“Uh, would you ever date anyone that had kids?” I swallowed. This was a big deal, not something I had planned on. Or thought was a good idea, for anyone involved. Children perhaps most of all. I wasn't healthy.

“Look, Andy, I will be straight with you, I guess so, for the right person, but it’s definitely not something I would seek out. I don’t want to be a mother figure to human children, ok? I have four reasons for not wanting to be a mother, they’re the same four reasons I tell everyone, and I think everyone should consider them before breeding: First, my genetic material is bad. Second, I don’t want to be a mother to human children. Third, I don’t think I’d be a good mother. Fourth, the world is already incredibly overpopulated. So, in terms of dating someone who already has kids, or wants kids, that’s a very loaded question. That really depends on the age of their children, the expectation regarding whether I would need to fulfill an auntie or step-mother role, or what? Do you see what I mean? I guess I kind of thought we had discussed this earlier, when I asked if you were a mega-breeder-“

“-Yeah, I’m really sorry, I just realized that. I thought you meant whether I wanted to have kids with every partner or something, like literally, I feel so fucking stupid.” Andy ran a hand through his hair and I was trying not to get super agitated by the conversation and the damned cigarette that he was almost finished with- argh! “I mean, I used to think I didn’t want any kids, but now, I think, maybe one day-“

I just couldn’t take it anymore. “-For fuck’s sake Hot-shot, we just met! Holy shit-sauce! Do you have kids right this second?”

Andy shook his head and put his cigarette out. “No.”

I chuckled. “Alright, anybody knocked up?”

Andy snorted. “No.”

“Well, alright, then. Until you’re ready to actually make the filthy, little crotch-droppings, then, clearly, you’ll just have to practice your mating skills, right? It just so happens I’m more than happy to offer my sterile, totally barren, utterly fruitless services! How convenient! Besides, if you have kids, you have no fucking business being a motherfucking smoker, Andy.” He made a face at me and flipped me the bird. “Don’t stick that thing at me, you know it’s true! I’m a doctor, bitch!” I paused. “That was also an incredibly clever pun: it would indeed be motherfucking business if you had kids.” I snickered.

Andy made with some serious eyebrow action. “That was so bad. When’s your birthday?”

“Just missed it. October 19th-”

“-Shit! Seriously?” Andy wrote that one down and put it in his phone. Aww, that was kind of cute. And idealistic, thinking he might possibly want to keep me around for damned near a year.

“Yeah, I’m a Libra. Same birthday as John Lithgow and Divine. I know when your birthday is. December 26, 1990, Capricorn, right?” I heard Andy make a noise half-way between an affirmative grunt and a chuckle. “What? Remember, I’m obsessed with you, Mr. Biersack! Did you know that Lars Ulrich and Kit Harrington were also born on December 26th?”

“Oh yeah?” I nodded and made a silly face. “Then what’s my phone number, Doc?”

“What the fuck? That’s totally fucked up! Do people just know that shit? How the fuck would I know that?” What the fuck kind of question was that?

Andy was doing that confident, full-of-himself, victorious, man-thing. “Because I called you earlier!” We both laughed.

“Whatever, I saved it, I didn’t memorize it-“

“What kind of fan are you, Dr. Hageman? You didn’t memorize it instantly? How can I not be insulted? Don’t you like my music, don’t you like Black Veil? I thought you said-“ I shoved Andy gently and he grinned “-and now you assault me! What is this? You’ve kidnapped me in your car, away from my tour, seduced me with your voluptuous body, you won’t answer my questions quickly, you keep distracting me, and now you’ve launched physical attacks! What am I supposed to do? Where are you taking me, Doc?”

I glanced at Andy, he was grinning widely, it was so cute. “The Sea-Tac Airport! I guess you’d best just hope your bandmates come to rescue you, Andy.” I remembered a line from an old Star Trek finale episode, and modified it. "May whatever gods you might believe in have mercy on your soul, Hot-shot."

Andy nodded. “I accept my fate! What else may come, I’m taking you down with me, woman!" Abruptly, he changed course, briefly throwing me off. "Where’d you go to school?”

“Uhh, err, well, like I said, all over, when I was growing up. I went to Oberlin College for undergrad, in Ohio, and then I had to work on my prerequisites some more-“

“Your what?” Oh, I guess that whole thing needed a little background.

“Veterinary school is really competitive, and each veterinary school has a different set of requirements they want you to fulfill in order for them to admit you. A lot of them are similar, like biology, chemistry, biochemistry, the basics for an undergrad degree, but the specifics are different. Like how much physics, statistics, how advanced the biochemistry needs to be, or calculus or whatever. A lot of the courses you needs for some schools, Oberlin didn’t offer. And, I mean, there were only, I think, 28 vet schools in existence in the US and Canada at the time. Anyways, I also needed to get more veterinary experience I couldn’t get while I was still in undergrad.”

I decided to simplify a very long story. “So after I got my bachelors in Bio at Oberlin, I moved to Orchards, in Washington, and started working at the practice I’m at now, but as a veterinary assistant, part-time, while I was still taking classes, since I couldn’t get into Ohio State University’s veterinary school right away anyway. Eventually, I got into Washington State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, and I graduated from there in 2014. Where did you go to school?”

“Well, I went to a Catholic elementary school. Um... Later, maybe you’ve heard how I went to the School for Creative and Performing Arts?” I nodded. “Yeah, I really loved it there, but got expelled after going to LA for a trip to film commercial spots. So, I was like, ‘maybe I should try public school,’ and that was, I dunno, an experience? Where I lived, the public high school was terrible, and I dropped out the second I turned 18.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry your school sucked so much. I mean, the education my high school had was better, but my high school emotional experience was definitely not a good one.” I tried to smile but it sort of turned into a grimace from the memories.

Andy finished scribbling, and I worked on passing someone that was annoyingly slow. “When did you decide to become a vet?”

“Uhmm… I mean, I always thought it was cool, like, when I was a kid, I always loved animals, you know? But when I was younger, I thought veterinarians were like astronauts or,” I snickered, “rockstars, no one actually grows up to do that.” Andy laughed at that. “But I had this moment at Oberlin, my very first semester. One day, I was like, ‘dude, I am a fucking genius, I can do anything. I know what I want to be: a veterinarian! Fuck yeah!’”

Andy laughed.“So modest!”

“Look who’s talking! You are, like, Mr. Cock-and-balls!” We both laughed. “When did you decide to-“

“-It’s always been that way. I just always wanted to perform. As a kid I would build little stage sets for my action figures, I would record myself at home over and over and show my dad, have him critique me. It’s just always been that way. There wasn’t a Plan B.” I snorted.

“See? I told you: Mr. Cock-and-balls!”

Andy laughed. “What’s the craziest patient you’ve seen?”

I thought about it. “In terms of species? Well, I did a rotation at a nonprofit wildlife park in vet school, but I can’t discuss cases because of confidentiality. But I saw some big cats, hoofstock, stuff like that, it was really cool. In school I treated large animals like horses, cows, pigs, sheep, and goats, and I enjoyed it. I see some birds, but one of my colleagues is really the specialist, she takes most of the avian appointments. I’ve also seen, you know, exotic companion pets in practice. Stuff like hedgehogs, sugar gliders, hamsters, rabbits, rats, reptiles like bearded dragons, ball pythons, leopard geckos are a little more common.”

Andy seemed enchanted. “So, I guess, along those lines, how many pets do you have? Are there more that you’re hiding?”

I chortled. “Eh, sort of? You saw Sherpa and the geckos. I also have a hermit crab named Chester.”

“But I didn’t get to see him-“ Andy sounded indignant.

“-She’s a girl!” I grinned.

“What? A girl?” Must not have been a satisfactory name. Too bad!

“Yep! I named her before I saw her change shells-“

“Well where was… she?” Andy was still having problems with Chester’s gender identity.

“In Sherpa’s room. You were just distracted, and too busy giving my poor little fuzzbutt a blowjob.” I laughed, Andy didn’t. I was met with sullen silence for a while as i drove.

Eventually, I tried, “Tell me about your pets, Hot-shot.”

“No. Are we there yet?” Whoa-ho! Ok! Sensitive, insecure man alert!

“We’re in Chehalis.” I glanced at Andy. He was pouting.

“What does that mean?” He was cute even when he was being cranky!

“It means we have about an hour and a half to go if we don’t stop, so don’t be a dick. Plus you keep needing stuff. We’ve hardly made any progress.” I eyed him suspiciously. “You… are you hungry again?”

Andy gave me an innocent look. “Me, no, no! I, uh, I have two cats. Young cats, Femme and Crow, from a shelter. I’ve been thinking about getting another pet, but not right now, I dunno…” He kind of huddled into his seat and ‘stealthily’ reached into the bag I kept the Cliff bars in, slowly retrieving one, opening it, and starting to munch on it. I pretended not to notice.

Notes

QOTD:

1: Any siblings? Yes- 1 sister

1a: have or want kids: fuck no

2: what's your birthday? not telling dude! (not october 19th)

3: where did you go to school (if you feel like sharing) don't feel like sharing

4: when did you decide you wanted to become a veterinarian? first semester of undergrad

4a: if you're not a veterinarian- when did you decide to become what you are (or) if you're a minor, what do you aspire to be when you're an adult? N/A

5: craziest patient i've treated so far: probably something similar to gwyn's or some other cases i've been involved in i can't share details of

6: how many pets do you have? i have 19 leopard geckos