The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Andy’s POV*

“I need to buy some stuff. Like, man-stuff.” I made a face like aforementioned man-items were both clandestine and critical to my survival. Smooth, Biersack, smooth. A white lie, and I was pretty sure it was the first one I’d told in my brand new relationship. But I wanted to get Gwyn a prezzie, and I couldn’t think of a better way to say that we needed to shop separately. I knew that if I suggested any other reason, she’d think I was ashamed of her, which was totally not the case. Granted, I wanted to call Juliet before telling anyone else we were actually, you know, dating, but Juliet already knew Gwyn was coming with me. Gwyn was the one wanting to wait on official blah-blah-crap, which was fine, for now. Hmph…

In order to make my little fib not entirely untrue, I’d have to pick up some condoms and man-snacks. At the rate we were boning, I would run out in less than two weeks for sure. We also might die of dehydration, or be murdered by angry band or crewmembers. Gwyn would seriously have to learn to keep it down…

Gwyn looked at me. For a second I thought the jig was up as she narrowed her eyes. “You make your own decisions, and I respect that. But if you eat pork rinds, no kissing until you brush your motherfucking teeth!” I just laughed as she handed me two cloth shopping bags and headed into the store, hearing her lock the car, then veer off for the other entrance with two of her own.

Quick! I strode briskly into the store, hoping desperately not to be recognized, looking all around me for the stuffed toys. I had to try and find them while staying out of the music section and away from the magazines; I had the worst luck there… There- to the right, near where Gwyn had come in, I saw the children’s toys! I resisted trotting, and ducked around a pillar as I saw Gwyn heading towards the tobacco cessation shit, walking in the other direction, on the other side of the aisle. Hmmm… Knowing her, I probably had about 10 minutes of Gwyn fretting over what product to use. I made a break for the children’s toys area.

As expected, nearby, were the stuffed toys. There was a typical bear holding a heart, but I didn’t want typical. Time was short, but I kept searching for something that spoke to me. Something that reminded me of Gwyn… I almost decided on a small tiger I had found, just to rub the Bengals in her face, when something else caught my eye: a beige cat missing an eye.

No one would ever buy a cat missing an eye; no child would ever love it. I felt kind of bad for it, weirdly. But other than that, there wasn’t anything wrong with it- it was soft, and adequately smooshy. It occurred to me it would fit nicely in between those righteous boobs of hers. I knew a veterinarian that could love a special cat with only one eye. I put the tiger back and put the cyclopian, beige cat in one of my shopping bags, feeling incredibly clever. Score for Biersack!

I strode quickly, grabbing condoms, back-up lube (Fred Meyer’s never had a great selection), and some chips, plus some beef jerky to pile directly on top of the cat stuffie, to try and repel Gwyn and discourage her from digging through the bag. I hoped my meat shield worked, I didn’t know if she was one of those vegetarians.

The next bit would be the crucial part. I tried to play it cool and look inconspicuous as I went to a register, glancing around, as nonchalantly as I could manage, for Gwyn. I picked one with extra-high barriers, lined with candy and magazines. I willed the people around me not to be BVB fans, or to be really shy, at least until after Cyclops-cat was back, safely in the bag, covered with its precautionary meat-shield again. I chuckled like a moron at my own joke, (ahh: ‘cat,’ ‘back in the bag,’ I was awesome!), but stayed vigilant, ready to either stuff Cyclops-cat back in the bag, swiftly cover it with jerky to repel Gwyn, or just throw myself on top of the check-out dude’s conveyor belt thing to hide it. I was ready! Ready like motherfucking Chuck Norris, motherfuckers!

“Sir?” Ah, fuck, had the check-out dude recognized me? I glanced down at him, worried. I didn’t have a pen, fuck, I left them both in the car, shit! I had to hide Cyclops-cat!

Wait a second… I looked at the dude again- his expression was bland, but friendly… I looked down and saw everything was already neatly all in one bag- YES!!!! “Membership card?”

The poor guy clearly had no idea why I appeared to be so glad I didn’t have a membership card as I shook my head and swiped a credit card. Victorious, I rearranged the things in the bag, putting the stuffie at the very bottom, then covering it with the jerky, and putting the chips, condoms, and lube at the top. I made my way to customer service to get cigarettes, feeling like a pretty slick motherfucker.

Notes

QOTD: What's the most recent album you bought?

i used an amazon giftcard i got for the holidays to get some music i wanted all at the same time recently. i am old skool and always get cds when they are available, but sometimes i can only find mp3s, which was the case for all of these:

ashestoangels (i pretty much got their entire discography, check them out), i saw these guys play with Aiden in seattle and was won over. their bassist (Nico venere) is a bit of a dead-ringer for Z, i actually nearly had a heart attack when i walked into the Corazon, as they were on stage at the time.

ashestoangels video for 'Run'
ashestoangels video for 'Chases'
ashestoangels video for 'Six Six Six'

Danny Blu (Do Your Worst)- Danny Blu is now the frontman for Echo Black, who, thus far, have only released a single, featuring Davey Suicide (which I also got). Previously, he worked on solo material, that is also awesome (very thought-provoking, avoid if you don't like thinking).
Check it:
Echo Black (featuring Davey Suicide) video for 'Burn another Day'

Danny Blu's video for 'Set Me on Fire'
Danny Blu's video for 'Sebastian'