The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Andy’s POV*

I was determined to ask all my questions, after all that work. If it didn’t happen on the drive, I’d keep Gwyn up in the middle of the night. I would withhold sex. Well… maybe, part of the time, at least.

I had two weeks to persuade an obviously insecure woman with emotional problems, in the very unfamiliar, to her, environment of the touring band, that I was awesome enough to continue a long-distance relationship with. Ugh. At least I was pretty sure Gwyn loved music, but that was part of my questioning to come! I wanted to get to know Gwyn as well as I could, I wanted to tell her all about me. Um, in part because I really liked talking, this was no secret. I hadn’t really dated a huge fan before, I guess Gwyn knowing that I was a big talker might make her less pissy about that than some other girls had been at first? I just wanted to share things she wouldn’t already know. Fucking Spiderman! The whole fan thing added a weird different dimension… I chuckled as I readied my notebook and list.

“Ok, time for the blitzkrieg- cajones holstered and safe! What’s your spirit animal?” Gwyn paused. “Dammit woman, blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg!”

“Well, are you being serious, like, do I believe in animism, or are you just asking me what animals I like?” I grunted. I hadn’t even thought about it, I had copied the question from a list of suggested questions online, like, to get to know people, because I thought it sounded neat.

“You and your brain! Either one, just clarify, quick, Doc, quick!” I readied the pen.

I should have anticipated more than a one-word answer, given who I was talking to. “Not sure that I believe in animism. I feel a connection with all animals, I can’t realistically pick one. But maybe, since you’re giving me a look, I’ll go with a slow-moving animal, with heavy armor, not very strong, slower to anger, can get heinous medical problems, can be very loyal…“ She thought for a second. “Maybe a tortoise, armadillo… hmmm… maybe even a porcupine, hedgehog, or pangolin? You?”

Easy. “I’ve always gone with koala or ferret.” I could have elaborated, but I wanted to get through more questions, and I was writing too much as it was.

“Yep!” Without looking, Gwyn poked me right in my koala-dressed-as-me-drinking-Seagrams-7 tattoo, making me laugh. “I’m afraid of how much drinking I'll encounter in the next two weeks, Hot-shot.” She grinned.

Uh-oh. “Don't you drink?” Gwyn shrugged.

“Very rarely. I’m on a lot of medication, that’s all. Bad for the liver. I really don’t like beer, though. I am really picky about my alcohol, when I do drink. Prefer hard liquor, perhaps a Mike’s hard lemonade, certain flavors only.” She nodded somberly. You bet your ass I took note, wrong category or not. “I don’t care if other people drink, though. What I meant is that I won’t be able to drink with you. I can’t, not nearly as much, I’d get really sick. I’m afraid I’ll let you down and embarrass you, embarrass myself.” Gwyn had a small tic, and I felt bad that she would ever worry about that.

“You don’t need to worry about that, you don’t need to drink anything, none of us care what you do. I mean, I assume you’re not planning on using hard drugs all the time… shit, that came out awkwardly…” Gwyn cut me off with her hearty laughter, and I felt relieved. I vaguely remembered one of the kids from online saying Gwyn wasn’t a drug user, but I hadn’t really asked her myself.

“You’re adorable, Andy. I’m a veterinarian, I’d lose my license if I did. What’s next?” I checked the list.

“Glass half full or half empty?” Gwyn snorted.

“That’s a stupid question, goofball. You?” Dammit, she was right! I grinned, embarrassed. Maybe I should have skipped some of these questions from that website…

“Yeah, I guess it was. Most of the time, half full. Ok, if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” Gwyn chuckled.

“Did you get these from, like, some list of questions to ask people, or something? Some website?” I laughed, I had been busted!

“Totally! So, what would you change?” Gwyn rolled her eyes.

“Fuck, I dunno… I feel like I hate so much about myself, changing any one thing would be like pissing in the ocean, but if I didn’t take an opportunity to improve something, I’d regret it. I guess either fix a health issue of mine, or have a better memory. Both would help me out in life and at work, you know?” She glanced at me, I nodded. Made sense. “You?”

I wrote as I talked. “Um, I wouldn’t change anything. I feel like my imperfections make me who I am. So, um, if you were a superhero, what would your abilities be, or superpowers?” Surprisingly, Gwyn didn’t hesitate. I was impressed. I loved it when women were in touch with their geekiness.

“No debate, hands-down, I would be able to talk with animals. You?” Oooh! Fitting. I scribbled away.

“Well, I mean, I always liked heroes with no superpowers, regular people that stepped up and tried to make changes-“ Gwyn was chuckling at me mischievously.

“-I can see where this is going, Andy. Clearly you aspire to be the Punisher, Hot-shot.” I laughed.

“Clearly.” I drew the Punisher’s little skull as my answer with a little smiley face and a heart. Gwyn was such a goofball. And, apparently, she knew at least a thing or two about comics. Bonus! That cleared me for my next question. “That was an excellent segue, Doc. Who’s your favorite superhero? And who’s your favorite villain?”

I tried to look nonchalant. But what if she did say Spiderman? Ugh. The suspense built as she drove, thinking carefully, squinting her pretty eyes. I readied the pen, preparing myself to selflessly write anything from the Marvel Universe she might say. I could do it, I would do it: for Gwyn. If she only liked X-men, I was ok with that…

“Well, I am really a sucker for the anti-hero. So, maybe, Dream of the Endless, from Gaiman’s Sandman. I also love Rorschach from the Watchmen, Marv from Sin City, Tank Girl, and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. In terms of the more traditional guys that are awesome, I would have to go with the obvious, you know, Batman and Wolverine.” I was scribbling furiously. Interesting choices, not bad…

I looked up to find Gwyn looking at the road, but obviously nervous. Her voice cracked when she asked me, “Ready for villains?” Oh shit, I must have been making a weird face or something! I made an effort to show how excited I actually was.

“Totally, but go slower, this is awesome!” I smiled at her, excited to bond with someone over comic book villainy.

“Well, I mean, this is so ridiculous, I feel like, because I’m talking to you, I shouldn’t pick any Batman villains, but I really love the Joker, he’s just the quintessential villain! And the whole dynamic of his relationship with Harley Quinn is fascinating and fucked up, though I admit I don’t know all the details. But I also really love the Scarecrow, and Poison Ivy, especially given my enviro-nutiness! And if you’ve ever read Preacher, I really love the Saint of Killers, if he counts as a villain, he's a fucking badass. I guess, for honorable mentions, you have Cat Woman and Mystique. Plus Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, for nostalgic reasons.” Gwyn paused. “Oh fuck, are we doing, like, movies and tv, because then that opens up a whole new playing field! I mean, you have the Governor, from Walking Dead, I mean, I know there’s a comic, but I haven’t read it yet! And Tom Hiddleston as Loki-“ I groaned loudly.

“No! God, no, no movies, no time for that! Too many questions!” I saw a sign for a rest stop, and Gwyn started heading for it before I said anything. Sweet, I had snagged me a smart one… I kept writing.

Gwyn glanced at me. “I assume you go Joker too?” I grinned, just putting ‘same’ by her ‘Joker.’

“Guilty as charged.” Frankly, I was excited, and feeling pleased with myself. I was about to make out with my new girlfriend. Let no one ever say I had not improved on my negotiation skills with age…

Notes

QOTD:

1) what's your spirit animal?
2) do you drink?
3) glass half-full/half-empty/other?
4) if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
5) if you were a superhero, what would your ability/superpower be?
6) who are your favorite superheroes and supervillains?

1) i have no single spirit animal, it would be faulty to pick just one.
2) very rarely
3) the glass is full of piss
4) rationally, i know i should say, that i were happier. but i've found that, throughout history, some of the greatest malcontents have struggled the hardest for change and improvement, both in their lives and in the lives of their patients and society. so, i'm not sure. i'd have to know how exactly this magic 'changing of one thing' worked, its limitations, etc., before i decided.
5 & 6) same as Gwyn, though, so help me, i'd love the ability to knock people out when i was pissed off in addition to talking to animals. i am a huge fan of defending the innocent, and it would be nice to be able to transform into a hulking ogre to defend justice.