The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Gwyn's POV*

I was sitting on the bed, waiting anxiously to hear from Andy. He had said he wanted a week to think about it. It had been six days since our fight, if you could call it that. I hadn't heard from him at all.

I had asked if I could stay later than usual to play videogames on his xbox 360, and out of nowhere, Andy had responded by saying he was miserable, that he loved me, but he wasn't happy. He hadn't been happy for years, that it was my fault, all my fault, he was sure of it. Definitely 100% all my fault.

I couldn't take it anymore. Six days of nothing, waiting, agonizing. I called Andy, the process of bringing his name up on my phone surprisingly difficult. The conversation was short, he said he was on the bus going home. Some small part of my mind asked why Andy was taking public transport, but I was too upset to pay attention, I was listening to Andy.

He told me he didn't need the extra day, he had decided. I couldn't really believe this was actually happening. I had honestly, somehow, for some reason, thought it was impossible. That we loved each other so much that it was a given that he would want to work through it.

But Andy said he had been trying to tell me he was miserable for the last two years. Oh, I said. I apologized. I was so embarrassed. I had been blindsided, I hadn’t seen this coming at all. What was wrong with me? This felt so wrong, I felt nauseated.

I had to drive in to Cleveland, to fly to Maryland in two days. My sister had asked me to be the Maid of Honor at her wedding. I asked if I could stop by to pick up some things and say goodbye. Andy said that would be alright.

I spent probably 12 hours writing that goodbye letter. I wanted Andy to know how sorry and ashamed I was for not hearing that I was hurting him, for not having done a better job of working on the issue, and that I had honestly thought our relationship was a good and happy one and that I was having a lot of trouble reconciling what was happening with my entire experience of our relationship and shared history. That I loved him profoundly. I told him that, though I would always be Gwyn, if there was anything I could do so that he could be happy and healthy in a relationship with me, I wanted him to tell me, because I was willing to work really hard, because I loved him. I told him how much I loved him, that I thought he was an amazing person. I told him that most of all I wanted him to be happy and healthy, and that, if he couldn’t do that when he was with me, then leaving me was the right thing.

I drove, listening to Nightwish, picking up my olive green dress for the wedding on the way. A man at Subway asked me how I was doing again. I told him the same thing- I was driving to go get dumped, and then be my little sister’s Maid of Honor, and he wished me luck.

My heart raced, I drove faster. Suddenly, I was in Andy's dingy apartment, thank goodness his roommate was still out. His face would waiver as I poured my heart out, his tattoos kept changing. When I was tearfully reading Andy the letter, I looked up, and he was watching me with pity, his blue eyes behind slim glasses. He said he would always love me, but I don't believe him, especially not now that he’s engaged and apparently monogamous. It was similar to when I found out Brian was gay, but a million times worse.

I hugged Andy goodbye, knowing I might never see him again. He was warm, but I can't remember how he smells anymore. I didn't want to let go, but I made myself.

I asked him if he wanted any copies of any photos of us, or of any of my pets. He had spent a lot of time with my dogs, and had been particularly close with my younger dog, Fluoro. Andy had even asked to be there when I had to euthanize Fluoro at a fairly young age, when he stopped responding to chemotherapy for his T-cell lymphoma. Andy politely declined, totally disinterested.

I turned at the entrance, and looked at Andy once, sitting on the black leather couch that had come from a friend of mine. It had the claw-marks of cats that were very dear to me on the sides. Andy was looking at me like an intruder. He just wanted me to hurry up and leave. In this apartment I had come in so many times, to spend time with this person I had thought I was the closest to in all the world, I was now unquestionably unwanted.

The look on his face burned into my brain. His blue eyes uninvested, uninterested, quickly starting to get mildly irritated.

My emotions exploded, destroying my heart and my mind. I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed.

Notes

Come on guys!

aftershock kicked ass. BVB & manson were awesome. i ended up not going on sunday because of reasons.

QOTD: When you have _____, you have everything!