The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Dr. Viper's POV*

Well, now, after that last patient, I was certain to get a respiratory infection! I washed my hands thoroughly before walking over to the curtain hiding prettyboy/rockstar & co. I gave it a quick glance to make sure they weren’t making out or some shit, but it appeared they were just sitting holding hands. Ok, good enough.

“Knock-knock!” I slid the curtain open, then shut it behind me. “I’m Doctor V.”

“I’m Andy, this is Gwyn.” They both extended their hands, which I shook. I was glad they had firm handshakes, I fucking hate it when people have fucking limp-noodle handshakes. It’s fucking freaky.

“I understand you have a puncture wound in your left hand? May I see, please?”

Andy stuck out his left hand and described the incident. Typical- he was a stupid rockstar, got upset, and punched a table. The table punched back. I kept my face neutral as I howled with laughter on the inside. I carefully palpated and watched him for any pain response. Remarkably, there was little sign of inflammation, and no sign of infection. There didn’t appear to be any breaks either. I briefly listened to his chest, totally within normal limits.

“Well, Mr. Biersack, you seem to be very lucky. Many times, in these instances, where the closed fist comes into contact with a rigid object, you will encounter what some call ‘boxer breaks.’ These are fractures of the metacarpals.” Here I pointed to the long-bones of his hand. “You’ll often see that multiple bones have transverse fractures, especially the fifth metacarpal.” Here I pointed to the long-bone on the outside of his fist. “You, however, have no pain on movement and manipulation of your hand, which makes me think that a fracture is unlikely, but not impossible. Have you had any pain at home?”

“No, not really. Only if I really poke, you know, the hole itself.” Andy looked at his hand. He really was a hottie, especially with that gravelly voice. Damn. Too bad he was a table-punching moron.

“Well, to know for sure you don’t have a very minor fracture would require a CT scan, or at the least, several radiographs, but if you’re comfortable trying to take it easy for a few days, and monitoring your hand closely, I’m willing to forego any further diagnostics for now. You’d be watching to see if you started to feel any pain, noticed any swelling in the area, or if you felt any reduction in the range of motion of your fingers or hand. How does that sound?”

“What are radiographs?” Andy looked confused.

Here the woman spoke up. “Dr. V, I’m actually a veterinarian, and I can help monitor his hand for change for the next few weeks. Andy, radiographs are, um, ‘x-rays.’” Oh shit, a fucking veterinarian. Great. Like I need another so-called ‘doctor’ judging me. Please, god, bring me coffee!

“Gwyn, that sounds great, if that’s ok with Andy?” I smiled, looking at Andy.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He smiled at Gwyn. Ugh. Couples make me sick. Be cutesy elsewhere, get a fucking room. Let’s move the fuck on.

“So, that brings me to the puncture wound itself. You’re up to date on your tetanus, which is great. It’s several years old, so I’m going to recommend that you booster it today. Though there’s no signs of infection, and signs of inflammation are minimal, meaning the swelling and the redness, we want to stay on top of it, and make sure it heals well. So I’m going to prescribe you a course of antibiotics and recommend some anti-inflammatories that you can pick up at any drug store. You’ll want to monitor your hand for any changes in color, any discharge from the wound, odor, or any other signs that concern you. How does that sound?” I noticed that the woman was nodding at everything I said. Thank fucking Christ! I didn’t need some asshole veterinarian trying to mow me down and belittle me- glad she didn’t seem to be a dick!

Andy nodded.“Sounds great.”

“Ok, just hang out here for a minute. Nurse Gerdy will be in shortly with your tetanus booster and your antibiotics, as well as your discharge instructions with the recommended anti-inflammatory dose. It was nice to meet both of you.” I rose to leave.

“Thank you doctor,” they both said at the same time. They looked sincere. Hmm.

“You’re welcome.” I guess not everyone is a total cunt. With that, I opened the curtain, took my leave, and closed it behind me.

Notes

Haha! Dr. Viper cracks me up!

I’m excited, got my ticket for Warped. Though I see no reason why anyone would recognize me there, if, by some miracle, you should do so, kindly don’t start shouting my screen name or the name of my stories at me. because I have a real job as a real veterinarian, like, for real. And the veterinary world does not approve of smut, or even really rock music. Boo! And no one needs to know what anathema looks like anyway, bro, dig? Just imagine the hulk, but female, fat, not green, and sad. So don’t take mah picture. Just come ask me if it’s me, I’ll let you know. Or better yet, feel free to break into “Blood Stained valentine” or to serenade me with something else. If you impress the shit out of me, I will totally tell you where I’m going with my story, brah.

QOTD: have you been to/are you going to warped?

I will be going to warped in Portland, yay! Also excited for aftershock!

so sleepy, can't edit...