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~Andy's POV~
“I think you should start a band.” Emily suggested, “You’ve always wanted to be a rock star.” She looked at me like I already was one.
“Stuff like that doesn’t happen to guys like me.” I held up the nearest text book. “That’s why I have to read this.” I yawned at the thought of it.
“Tired?” She continued drawing. “It’s almost five in the morning before you ask.”
“What time is it? Oh.” I admired her face for a moment as she drew. Have I told her she’s beautiful? Every time I tried to say anything I changed the subject or made a stupid joke in a desperate attempt to avoid my feelings. “You’re beautiful.” I whispered and got up to open the window before she had a chance to react.
It was dark out. Any time I let myself get lost in the world of Emily; I’d sooner watch the sun rise than say good night to her. I was gazing at the stars when a high pitched “Andyyyyyy. Earth to Andyyyyy?” Snapped me out of it.
I really suck at feelings but it’s not like she couldn’t tell me if she had feelings for me. I sat down at the computer and looked her dead in the webcam-eye. “You stayed up all night with me.”
“Are you sure you’re not dreaming because I’m pretty sure I’d be in bed at least six hours ago.”
I nodded, “I can’t smell in dreams and I smell like day old Andy, booze and smoke.”
“Bottle that up and send me some.” She was intensely focused on her drawing and every once in a while she’d pull the sketchbook close to her face, stick her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and squint at whatever she was drawing. It made me smile.
“I’ll call you back in a minute.” I shut the computer down and left the apartment, calling her back as my boot crunched into the gravel of my apartment building’s rooftop. The dark blue night sky gave way to unmoving clouds reflecting pink and orange hues down to the horizon. “We’re watching the sun rise.” I turned the phone to face the sky.
“Wow, Andy.” She sounded impressed.
“Flip the camera! I’m making this my phone’s background.” She giggled.
I positioned my face in front of the phone with my arm held out as far as I could, “Sunrise selfie!” I smiled and posed. Olivia never wanted to watch the sun rise or set with me.
A pained look shot across her face. “I should get ready.” She tossed her sketchbook to the side.
She began to rush around so I stood up, brushed the gravel dust from my jeans and asked, “Are you all right?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “I wish I was there with you to watch the sunrise.” She whispered.
I returned to my apartment suite uncertain of what to say as a night of drinking, singing and avoiding sleep began to set in. She’d seen me cry after a bad breakup with Olivia and I’d told her things nobody else knew, hearing her sob now made my heart sink. “I’m sorry Em.” I confessed.
She avoided eye contact while I sat with my back pressed against my cold apartment door feeling a cool updraft whirring in from underneath the doorway gap. My heart began racing, I pressed my eyes shut and looked at the wall. “I have to tell you something.” I bit my lip hard and looked at her as I tried to think of the best way to say it. I inhaled nervously and glanced at her again. If I was in love with Emily and that love was making her cry right now, then I couldn’t tell her I loved her.
She still looked beautiful with red blotches on her cheeks, dried tears had left watery streaks of eyeliner down her face. Her hair was messy and her fingers had pencil smudging on the tips. I wanted to comb her hair out of her face with my fingers and kiss away the tears in the corners of her eyes. I wanted to engulf her in my arms until she let all of the tears out and left my chest damp from a tear soaked t-shirt, then I’d promise her that she’d never cry again. “I think I’m…” I sighed and squeezed my eyes closed. I thought of her in my arms and tried to send that energy her way.
“Andy.” She whispered and shook her head through a forced smile. “It’s okay.”
It’s not okay. My love is hurting you and I have a girlfriend; I can’t be in love with two people at the same time. I can’t love two people, can I? My AHA moment hit me at the same time the alcohol did. I dropped the phone by the door, ran to the bathroom and hung my head over the edge of the toilet bowl, dry heaving loudly. I thought throwing up would make me feel better but nothing was coming out. The more I thought of it and the more I tried not to think of it, the more I felt a knife twisting in my ribcage. I wasn’t in love with Olivia anymore.
“ANDY?!” My phone shouted by the front door.
I was in love with Emily.
“I think you should start a band.” Emily suggested, “You’ve always wanted to be a rock star.” She looked at me like I already was one.
“Stuff like that doesn’t happen to guys like me.” I held up the nearest text book. “That’s why I have to read this.” I yawned at the thought of it.
“Tired?” She continued drawing. “It’s almost five in the morning before you ask.”
“What time is it? Oh.” I admired her face for a moment as she drew. Have I told her she’s beautiful? Every time I tried to say anything I changed the subject or made a stupid joke in a desperate attempt to avoid my feelings. “You’re beautiful.” I whispered and got up to open the window before she had a chance to react.
It was dark out. Any time I let myself get lost in the world of Emily; I’d sooner watch the sun rise than say good night to her. I was gazing at the stars when a high pitched “Andyyyyyy. Earth to Andyyyyy?” Snapped me out of it.
I really suck at feelings but it’s not like she couldn’t tell me if she had feelings for me. I sat down at the computer and looked her dead in the webcam-eye. “You stayed up all night with me.”
“Are you sure you’re not dreaming because I’m pretty sure I’d be in bed at least six hours ago.”
I nodded, “I can’t smell in dreams and I smell like day old Andy, booze and smoke.”
“Bottle that up and send me some.” She was intensely focused on her drawing and every once in a while she’d pull the sketchbook close to her face, stick her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and squint at whatever she was drawing. It made me smile.
“I’ll call you back in a minute.” I shut the computer down and left the apartment, calling her back as my boot crunched into the gravel of my apartment building’s rooftop. The dark blue night sky gave way to unmoving clouds reflecting pink and orange hues down to the horizon. “We’re watching the sun rise.” I turned the phone to face the sky.
“Wow, Andy.” She sounded impressed.
“Flip the camera! I’m making this my phone’s background.” She giggled.
I positioned my face in front of the phone with my arm held out as far as I could, “Sunrise selfie!” I smiled and posed. Olivia never wanted to watch the sun rise or set with me.
A pained look shot across her face. “I should get ready.” She tossed her sketchbook to the side.
She began to rush around so I stood up, brushed the gravel dust from my jeans and asked, “Are you all right?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “I wish I was there with you to watch the sunrise.” She whispered.
I returned to my apartment suite uncertain of what to say as a night of drinking, singing and avoiding sleep began to set in. She’d seen me cry after a bad breakup with Olivia and I’d told her things nobody else knew, hearing her sob now made my heart sink. “I’m sorry Em.” I confessed.
She avoided eye contact while I sat with my back pressed against my cold apartment door feeling a cool updraft whirring in from underneath the doorway gap. My heart began racing, I pressed my eyes shut and looked at the wall. “I have to tell you something.” I bit my lip hard and looked at her as I tried to think of the best way to say it. I inhaled nervously and glanced at her again. If I was in love with Emily and that love was making her cry right now, then I couldn’t tell her I loved her.
She still looked beautiful with red blotches on her cheeks, dried tears had left watery streaks of eyeliner down her face. Her hair was messy and her fingers had pencil smudging on the tips. I wanted to comb her hair out of her face with my fingers and kiss away the tears in the corners of her eyes. I wanted to engulf her in my arms until she let all of the tears out and left my chest damp from a tear soaked t-shirt, then I’d promise her that she’d never cry again. “I think I’m…” I sighed and squeezed my eyes closed. I thought of her in my arms and tried to send that energy her way.
“Andy.” She whispered and shook her head through a forced smile. “It’s okay.”
It’s not okay. My love is hurting you and I have a girlfriend; I can’t be in love with two people at the same time. I can’t love two people, can I? My AHA moment hit me at the same time the alcohol did. I dropped the phone by the door, ran to the bathroom and hung my head over the edge of the toilet bowl, dry heaving loudly. I thought throwing up would make me feel better but nothing was coming out. The more I thought of it and the more I tried not to think of it, the more I felt a knife twisting in my ribcage. I wasn’t in love with Olivia anymore.
“ANDY?!” My phone shouted by the front door.
I was in love with Emily.
Notes
Thank you for reading :3
It me.
12/6/21