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Revolution
~Emily’s POV~
“Revolution,” Ashley said. “Isn’t about overthrowing the government, taking down the walls of society and changing everything.” Our group was sitting together in a mostly empty cafeteria. “To me it’s about starting the change that helps you reach your goal by whatever means possible.”
“But if that goal is giving everybody equal financial opportunity, would that make it okay to vandalize or destroy things?” I attended a peaceful demonstration in my city and it was the first time I’d seen people singing, reading poetry, and actually speaking freely to each other in public. Everyone was invited to speak their mind at an open mic and when they did the crowd cheered them on, nobody was picked on for their skin color, orientation, gender or place in society.
“It’s not about achieving goals through violent means per se.” Everything Ashley said made me overthink, it’s like he awoke a part of my brain that years of sitting in a classroom had worked hard to tame.
“If you wanted something enough and you did everything you could to make it happen but nothing worked, would resorting to any means necessary to get your point across be okay?” After I said those words I wondered if I was talking about sociology anymore.
Ashley leaned closer to me and looked me in the eye. “If you wanted something enough, you’d do anything to get it.” He smiled and sat back. “As long you had the courage to start whatever change it took to get what you wanted.”
A rush of heat came over me like I’d stuck my face over a boiling pot of water and was trapped in the hot steam. I gasped when I realized how simple it all was. Andy wants what he wants, because he is who he is, all I have to do to win his heart is to be what he wants.
“Revolution,” I said to myself. “Is about starting the change within you that’s going to change everything.” My eyes unfocused and I thought of Andy’s face.
I’ve been myself with Andy and that wasn’t enough to make him love me. He didn’t want a nerdy girl who read more than she fornicated. He didn’t want somebody to be his biggest fan, he wanted her to be secure in herself and have her own life. He wanted her to act like she barely thought about him because her life was so fabulous. That’s why he’s with Olivia and not me. My heart sank in the moment I saw things for what they were, but at the same time I knew my life would never be the same.
~Olivia’s POV~
It’s midnight and I’d rather be sleeping but I have sad Chip, angry Chip and sulky Chip ready for review. If they’re good enough to glaze I haven’t wasted my weekend. If they’re not good enough I’ll smash them and cry to Andy, he’ll understand.
~Andy’s POV~
It’s been hours and all I can see is the inside of my eyelids. My body is too heavy to move, but I can hear myself breathing heavily so I’m still alive. All I want right now is to hear her voice. I’d give anything to hear her voice again.
~Emily’s POV~
Dear Andy,
Screw you.
Love always, Emily.
Okay that’s way too harsh, I’d never say that to him. But maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I bleached my hair and dyed it candy apple red. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think *wtf?* then I remember. Revolution.
If all else fails I’ll just act like Olivia. I’ve already started by ignoring Andy for an entire day. I’m sure there’s been a time that we didn’t talk or text for 24 hours before but I can’t recall it. I’ve been trying to memorize all of the terminology that I’m supposed to know for my introduction to psych classes but I always end up thinking of Andy. It’s like trying to not think about him is making it worse. I keep typing and deleting messages to him because it sounds like old Emily. New Emily isn’t going to be there all the time.
I fell asleep staring at the clock and opened my eyes to a bright red 3:00 AM. Andy will be getting his stuff back in a few hours. I tried to sleep again but I got this really weird pain in my stomach and felt like I was going to throw up. I ended up kneeling next to the toilet and dry heaving, red hair crowding my face as I stared at my toilet water reflection. I can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong with Andy but he made himself pretty clear when he hung up on me.
~Andy’s POV~
I wake up dizzy. Before I can remember anything I feel a pain in my gut as harsh as a broken bone. My body jolts off the bed and I land on the floor doubled over, fist in my stomach and screaming in pain. Something is wrong.
My head crashes hard against the floor and I stare at the room sideways, feeling a sharp stabbing pain in the top of my head and blood trickling off of my skin and into my hair. My vision blurs and my eyes close again.
My eyes shoot open a second later and my left arm comes into focus next to my head, the searing pain from a deep gash down my wrist to the inside of my ring finger hits me as soon I notice it, the blood isn’t clotting. I hear my heart beat pounding in my ears. Air sharply fills my lungs and I feel my chest heaving as the blood rushes to my head.
“Emily.” I whisper as the air leaves my chest. I feel my lungs pushing the air out of my mouth before everything blurs again. I don’t hear or feel myself inhaling. My eyes open and I stare at the laminate planks of my floor before my mind goes blank. For a moment I panic because I can’t make myself breathe but in that same moment nothing matters anymore and I feel at peace.
~Emily’s POV~
It’s somewhere between 4 and 5 AM and I should be getting ready for class soon. I’ve barely slept. What if Andy doesn’t call? What if he’s decided that he’s just…over me? What if I never hear from him again? What if Olivia told him to stop talking to me?
I keep replaying our last conversation in my head, there was something odd about the way his voice trembled when he said he couldn’t be with me and the way said he was in love with Olivia but didn’t look me in the eyes. Every time I think about it his words hurt a little less. He’s right, we are just friends. But why did he say he was sorry after he told me he’s not in love with me? I didn’t believe a word when he said he didn’t love me, he has to at least love me as a friend or he wouldn’t waste his time with me at all.
Why did he feel the need to say he didn’t love me after we spent our first night together taking turns watching each other sleep, unless he knew that he loved me and didn’t know what to do about it?
“Revolution,” Ashley said. “Isn’t about overthrowing the government, taking down the walls of society and changing everything.” Our group was sitting together in a mostly empty cafeteria. “To me it’s about starting the change that helps you reach your goal by whatever means possible.”
“But if that goal is giving everybody equal financial opportunity, would that make it okay to vandalize or destroy things?” I attended a peaceful demonstration in my city and it was the first time I’d seen people singing, reading poetry, and actually speaking freely to each other in public. Everyone was invited to speak their mind at an open mic and when they did the crowd cheered them on, nobody was picked on for their skin color, orientation, gender or place in society.
“It’s not about achieving goals through violent means per se.” Everything Ashley said made me overthink, it’s like he awoke a part of my brain that years of sitting in a classroom had worked hard to tame.
“If you wanted something enough and you did everything you could to make it happen but nothing worked, would resorting to any means necessary to get your point across be okay?” After I said those words I wondered if I was talking about sociology anymore.
Ashley leaned closer to me and looked me in the eye. “If you wanted something enough, you’d do anything to get it.” He smiled and sat back. “As long you had the courage to start whatever change it took to get what you wanted.”
A rush of heat came over me like I’d stuck my face over a boiling pot of water and was trapped in the hot steam. I gasped when I realized how simple it all was. Andy wants what he wants, because he is who he is, all I have to do to win his heart is to be what he wants.
“Revolution,” I said to myself. “Is about starting the change within you that’s going to change everything.” My eyes unfocused and I thought of Andy’s face.
I’ve been myself with Andy and that wasn’t enough to make him love me. He didn’t want a nerdy girl who read more than she fornicated. He didn’t want somebody to be his biggest fan, he wanted her to be secure in herself and have her own life. He wanted her to act like she barely thought about him because her life was so fabulous. That’s why he’s with Olivia and not me. My heart sank in the moment I saw things for what they were, but at the same time I knew my life would never be the same.
~Olivia’s POV~
It’s midnight and I’d rather be sleeping but I have sad Chip, angry Chip and sulky Chip ready for review. If they’re good enough to glaze I haven’t wasted my weekend. If they’re not good enough I’ll smash them and cry to Andy, he’ll understand.
~Andy’s POV~
It’s been hours and all I can see is the inside of my eyelids. My body is too heavy to move, but I can hear myself breathing heavily so I’m still alive. All I want right now is to hear her voice. I’d give anything to hear her voice again.
~Emily’s POV~
Dear Andy,
Screw you.
Love always, Emily.
Okay that’s way too harsh, I’d never say that to him. But maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I bleached my hair and dyed it candy apple red. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I think *wtf?* then I remember. Revolution.
If all else fails I’ll just act like Olivia. I’ve already started by ignoring Andy for an entire day. I’m sure there’s been a time that we didn’t talk or text for 24 hours before but I can’t recall it. I’ve been trying to memorize all of the terminology that I’m supposed to know for my introduction to psych classes but I always end up thinking of Andy. It’s like trying to not think about him is making it worse. I keep typing and deleting messages to him because it sounds like old Emily. New Emily isn’t going to be there all the time.
I fell asleep staring at the clock and opened my eyes to a bright red 3:00 AM. Andy will be getting his stuff back in a few hours. I tried to sleep again but I got this really weird pain in my stomach and felt like I was going to throw up. I ended up kneeling next to the toilet and dry heaving, red hair crowding my face as I stared at my toilet water reflection. I can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong with Andy but he made himself pretty clear when he hung up on me.
~Andy’s POV~
I wake up dizzy. Before I can remember anything I feel a pain in my gut as harsh as a broken bone. My body jolts off the bed and I land on the floor doubled over, fist in my stomach and screaming in pain. Something is wrong.
My head crashes hard against the floor and I stare at the room sideways, feeling a sharp stabbing pain in the top of my head and blood trickling off of my skin and into my hair. My vision blurs and my eyes close again.
My eyes shoot open a second later and my left arm comes into focus next to my head, the searing pain from a deep gash down my wrist to the inside of my ring finger hits me as soon I notice it, the blood isn’t clotting. I hear my heart beat pounding in my ears. Air sharply fills my lungs and I feel my chest heaving as the blood rushes to my head.
“Emily.” I whisper as the air leaves my chest. I feel my lungs pushing the air out of my mouth before everything blurs again. I don’t hear or feel myself inhaling. My eyes open and I stare at the laminate planks of my floor before my mind goes blank. For a moment I panic because I can’t make myself breathe but in that same moment nothing matters anymore and I feel at peace.
~Emily’s POV~
It’s somewhere between 4 and 5 AM and I should be getting ready for class soon. I’ve barely slept. What if Andy doesn’t call? What if he’s decided that he’s just…over me? What if I never hear from him again? What if Olivia told him to stop talking to me?
I keep replaying our last conversation in my head, there was something odd about the way his voice trembled when he said he couldn’t be with me and the way said he was in love with Olivia but didn’t look me in the eyes. Every time I think about it his words hurt a little less. He’s right, we are just friends. But why did he say he was sorry after he told me he’s not in love with me? I didn’t believe a word when he said he didn’t love me, he has to at least love me as a friend or he wouldn’t waste his time with me at all.
Why did he feel the need to say he didn’t love me after we spent our first night together taking turns watching each other sleep, unless he knew that he loved me and didn’t know what to do about it?
Notes
Thanks for reading :3
It me.
12/6/21