Love is a Bitch

Hey guys, I just need to talk. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel really lost and my depression is getting worse. I'm struggling to do the simple things, such as get out of bed or change out of my pj's. I'm sad all the time. My life is falling apart around me.
My adopted dad kicked my mom, my little sister, and I out of my home. The place I was raised since a young age. He just kicked us out. What a dad, am I right? We had to move in with my grandma. And it sucks sooooo freaking much.
And i can't bring myself to accept that Cody, my friend that died, is actually dead. Its been weeks and I still cant bring myself to accept it. I walked by his house the other day and i saw his car parked in his drive way. And i expected him to come running out and hugging me. Telling me to get in his jeep so we could go to the creek.
But no, he didn't. We will never get to go for our late night rides again. I'll never get to sneak off to the creek with him. He won't be there to protect me from the bullies. He wont be there to see me graduate high school. Hell, he wont even get to see his sister graduate from high school. He'll never get married. Never have kids. He was like a brother to me. And i miss him every day.
Maybe I'd be able to accept it if i hadn't ignored him the last time i saw him. I had walked right past him. His arms opened, waiting for me to run up and hug him. That goofy smile on his face. I can still remember how hurt he looked when i walked right past him. He knew i saw him. He even called my name. He knew i heard him, because i turned and looked at him. And i just kept walking.
What really doesn't help is that my grandma talks about him. About how he looked when he died. She goes into great detail about how his face had been blown up. His skull showing, eyes forever opened. And she tells everyone that comes over. Cody isn't just another story to gossip over. And it pisses me off so much. I don't want to remember the way he looked when he died. I want to remember his goofy smile and his brown hair always hanging in his eyes.
I just..I really am getting to a point to where i just want to give up. Everything is stressful. And i hurt so fucking bad all the time. I think about going back to drugs, or back to self harm. I think about killing myself alot.
But everyday i force myself to get up, get dressed, smile. I force myself to go to work, come home. I force myself to eat, even though im never hungry. I force myself to stay clean. I force myself to keep away from the blade. Away from the needle. And i can feel myself growing weaker and breaking more inside. Guys..I really just dont know what to do. I really have no fucking clue.

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