Finding Grace

Why was Juliet texting him, asking how everything was going?
He'd promised me he wouldn't talk to her!
I let his phone drop back onto the coffee table, hurt swelling through my chest.
Was he that done with me already? What was the point of fixing up the baby room if he was just going to leave me anyway?
I knew I hadn't exactly been perfect the last couple days, but he should be glad he didn't have to talk to me! He didn't want me around anyway, so he should be happy I was just completely excluding myself from him.
"Why are you talking to her?" I demanded as he stepped from the bathroom, hurt radiating through my voice. "You promised me!"
"I --- I know," he looked irritated. He stood in the bathroom doorway, shirtless, pink paint splattered in his hair and all over him in general; why did he still look good after all that?
I glared at him, my hands going to my hips as I waited for a damn good excuse.
"I, fuck, Leah, you've been ignoring me for days," he sighed, looking defeated. "I was pissed at you so I texted her, but we're not talking like that, okay? She's just wanting to help. We're friends again and so I thought ----."
"But you promised me, Andy!"
"I know I did, and I'm sorry!" he said hastily. "But it's not in the way you're thinking. Jesus, Leah, I need someone to talk too! You're like a walking iceberg right now, you won't even look at me!"
"Because you're an asshole!"
"Well you're not making our relationship any easier!"
"How am I not? I thought I was giving you exactly what you want!" I hissed. "You don't want me here, you don't even want Gracie! So why shouldn't I just make it easier and make it seem like I'm not here already!"
"Because that's not what I want! Why would I change that entire fucking room if I didn't want her?"
"So you wouldn't have to sleep on the couch!"
"Leah, that's stupid and you know it." he rolled his eyes at me, which only made me madder. "I'm doing all this FOR you! Why can't you see that? I just want things to go back to normal again!"
So did I!
I wanted them to go back to before I ever got pregnant, before we got married and before we got into this situation!
"We never should've got married," I shook my head. "All of this was such a mistake, wasn't it?"
Andy didn't say anything, but I could tell he agreed with me, and I deflated slightly, looking down at my growing stomach.
"We probably would've been broken up by now if it wasn't for Gracie," I murmured, placing my hand on the swell. "Wouldn't we?"
"Don't say that, Lee. We've been through too much." Andy sighed, coming to stand in front of me. "We're not gonna break up, or get a divorce, the fuck ever. We're in this together, yknow?"
"I want to believe that, but this just isn't working." My voice was small, and I felt like crap. I wanted this to be perfect, this wasn't how I imagined our marriage working out, it wasn't how I imagined any of this working out.
I wanted... Well, I could repeat what I wanted over and over, but it wasn't going to make a difference.
If we kept screaming and fighting with each other all the time, it wasn't exactly going to be a positive place for our baby, and she didn't deserve that, it wasn't her fault. We needed to find some kind of resolution, some kind of... compromise.
We couldn't hate each other.
I knotted my fingers in my T shirt, feeling my eyes start to dry; finally, for once I wasn't crying.
"I love you, Andy," I said after a moment, staring at his chest. "I've never loved anyone like I love you, but... why isn't this working like it should? It's not supposed to be like this."
"It's just a hard time, is all." Andy told me softly, brushing his hand through my limp hair. "Everyone has a hard time with the first year of marriage, Jake and Jinxx both said so. Remember when everyone thought Jake and Ella were going to break up? It was hard on them, it's hard on us. But we can make this work, angel. We just have to keep trying."
"But we HAVE been trying!"
"Then we'll try harder!" he told me firmly, cupping my face between his hands and making me look up at him; my eyes wavered on his before flicking away, but he forced me to meet his gaze.
"Leah, we can do this, okay? We can do it!"
I wanted to believe that.
"But, it's not working..."
"Not right now, but that's because we're.... well, we don't know what we're doing." Andy sighed. "I have no idea how to be a father or even a husband, so you got to give me some slack, okay? And I need to give you some. I know you're pregnant, and you feel bad all the time, and I'm not always the most understanding person, either. I'm sorry about the appointment, I won't ever do that again, all right? But you can't lie to me about who you're talking too, either."
"I just knew you would be mad," I fiddled with my shirt again, feeling scolded. "If you knew it was Xavier ---."
"Of course I would be mad, he's a junkie."
"He's not a junkie, Andy, he's clean now."
"Leah, he's dangerous to you and the baby."
"He is not!" I said stubbornly. "He's better now, and you would see that if you would give him a chance!"
"I'm not going to give him a chance, I don't want you seeing him again," he was just as stubborn as I was.
"Andy, you can't stop me from seeing anyone." I glared at him, and he huffed, letting his hands drop away from me completely.
"See, this is our issue. Neither of us can agree on anything," He shook his head as he stepped away from me. "I think he's dangerous, you think he isn't. He's not proven to me that he's not, Leah. I just know that he hurt you, he's dangerous to your well being and that of our child, and you can't blame me for wanting the both of you safe, can you? Can you?" he pressed.
"No." I muttered reluctantly.
"So you see my point? You can talk to him all you want, okay? Just... just don't run off again." He looked down. "You scared the shit out of me."
I flicked my eyes up. "I thought you didn't even want me here, Andy. I... I feel like I bother you..."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I'm annoying." I muttered, looking at my hands, my nails needing paint so badly. "Because I'm the size of an iceberg and I make sounds when I walk now. And I know I'm whinny, and I cry all the time and complain and it has to get on your nerves but ----."
"None of that matters, Leah, I love you." Andy shook his head, and I shifted my weight, my feet starting to hurt. I hated standing too long, I became so uncomfortable.
I was definitely never getting pregnant again.
"Leah?"
I jerked my attention back to Andy, realizing I'd zoned out, and I flushed.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I said, are you okay? Do you need to sit?"
"Yes," I said after a moment, heading for the couch. I sat gingerly on the cushions, aware that if I squirmed too far back I wouldn't be able to get off of it by myself again. And I hated having to ask for help, it was embarrassing.
"Let's just start over."
"Start over?" I frowned. What did he mean, start over?
"Yeah, just... start over. Forget all the past, and just... focus on the now, okay?" he looked at me, his pretty eyes glowing. "From now on, everything that happens, starts right now, okay? Let's just forget the past six months of hell, pretend it never happened."
I looked down at my stomach. "I'm not sure how easy I can forget this."
Andy chuckled a little, and reached over to clasp my hand from where he'd sat down on the coffee table.
"All but her, then. From now on, we just focus on her, getting things right for her, being good together for her, okay? For Gracie. We can do this for her."
Do it for Gracie.
It sounded like a good plan.
"Okay," I agreed after a moment, squeezing his hand. "Okay, we can do that, right? For her?"
"I don't see why not. We get everything ready for her, and then we work on our shit later, okay? We work all of it out when she's born and safe and I don't have to worry about the both of you having issues."
Which meant he didn't want to worry about upsetting me so bad I went into another fit of labor.
I mean, I could understand that, I was a walking time bomb of hormones and irrational thoughts, I suppose.
I really hated being pregnant; this was some of the worst months of my life, right up there with being with my family.
It wasn't the baby's fault, but... this really sucked.
I wasn't ready for this, and neither was Andy, but we would figure this out.
We had too.
"For Gracie, we'll figure it out," I said after a moment. "We have too.":

Notes

Well, they have a plan... but is this going to work like they want it too?