Finding Grace

"What color do you think fits best?" I asked, showing Andy the different paint schemes on my laptop. "I don't want it overly girly, so I kind of like this color of pink, but then I'm like, well, maybe it should be more girly! Which do you think?"
He looked at both colors a few moments, then shrugged. "I don't care."
"That's not being helpful," I frowned at him. "This pink or this pink?"
"Leah, they look the same to me."
"They're obviously not the same," I huffed, looking back at the colors. "That one is pinker then that."
"That doesn't make sense. They're both a soft pink."
No they weren't.
"Fine, forget the paint. Look at these baby beds."
He was being difficult.
"Cute." he grunted.
I frowned at him, seeing he was texting on his phone and not even looking at the ones that I had pulled up.
He'd hardly been paying attention at all today.
"Andy, you're the one who is going to have to set these up, so you'd better look at them before I buy the most complicated one I can possibly find." I threatened, becoming irritated quickly.
This was supposed to be something we both did!
Andy clicked his phone screen, his face sour, and looked at the beds. "I like that one."
I looked at the one he'd pointed out; it was fifteen hundred for the entire thing, and that wasn't even put together yet. I wished he would start buying some of the things for Gracie because my bank account was going to be quickly disappearing at this rate; I mean, I still definitely got income from my music sales and everything, but that was also divided out amongst the band.
I sighed.
I just didn't know how to bring it up; we could at least split the costs, yknow?
"It's kind of expensive," I murmured, staring at it more and more.
Could I technically afford it?
At this rate? That was a no, and I would be in debt before the baby was ever born.
But I hated to say anything. Andy bought all the groceries, I wasn't paying rent to live here, all the bills were in his name...
Was it evening out that way? I wasn't sure.
I didn't know what to do.
"Nah, it's not that much. Do you not like it?"
"No, I do like it. It goes with the color scheme of this very different pink, but..."
Andy raised a brow at me, and I sighed.
"My bank account is starting to suffer from all this baby stuff."
"You're the one who bought her a stuff giraffe the actual size of a giraffe for three hundred dollars. I'm not surprised it's going down so quickly."
I frowned at him. "It was cute, and she'll love it."
He rolled his eyes at me, looking back down at his phone.
Why wasn't he paying more attention?
This was important!
At least it was to me, and I didn't appreciate feeling like I was bothering him when we were supposed to be setting up our childs room before she was four fucking years old.
I scowled, becoming more irritated.
"Who are you texting, anyway?"
"Just the guys, why?"
"You're paying them a lot more attention then you are this." Now I sounded like the bitchy, needy girlfriend. Wife?
Whatever the fuck I was.
I sure as hell didn't feel married.
"I'm sure they won't mind waiting a few minutes for your answer long enough so you can help me pick out a freaking baby bed!"
"I picked one already!" he snapped, and then pressed his lips together into a thin line. "We picked one." he said in a calmer tone. "I thought you liked it."
"I can't afford it!"
"Then we'll pick another one ---- is this even about a baby bed?"
Well he was getting a lot more perceptive then he used to be.
I stared stubbornly down at my computer screen, not really even seeing anything on it.
"Andy, I can't.... I can't keep buying everything, I can't afford too." I said after a moment, hoping I phrased it okay; my chest was knotting anxiously that I would make him mad. "You're gonna have to pitch in a little."
"Fine, I will. Why didn't you just say so?" He sighed, running his hands down his face. "It's not that big of a deal; I'll buy the baby bed."
"I meant just halfing it ---."
"I'll buy the fucking bed, Leah, okay?"
I cringed.
He didn't have to get crabby about it.
"Fine," I muttered, completely exiting out of the store altogether.
I sat my laptop on the coffee table, still littered with ashtrays and nailpolish and magazines and some of my clothes because I couldn't lean over to pick them up.
Our entire apartment looked like a tornado lived in it, and I hated it.
I hated this stupid place.
"Where are you going?"
"To look at the room! I gotta know where to put all this stupid stuff." I muttered, stepping into the spare room and turning on the light, probably shutting the door a little harder then I'd meant too.
Sometimes, I wasn't sure if Andy was just being an asshole, or if my hormones were so out of wack that everything he did or said I took the wrong way.
I sighed as I looked around the room.
Right now, it was such a disaster. Some of the toys that we'd bought were stuffed in the closet, which Andys old jackets and ratty clothes still hung in it and made it smell like cigarettes (a smell that made me nauseous now, though God forbid I tell Andy that, he'd think I wanted him to quit). The bed was piled with the bags of clothes that had accumulated over the months, and the giant giraffe (that honestly was just as tall as I was) was sideways in front of the window.
The bed was going to have to go completely, there was no question on that, and there was going to have to be a changing table put in here unless he wanted her to be changed on his nice dresser that was basically a home for mothballs.
I walked to the bed, staring down at all the pretty clothes, including the little tutu he'd told me not to by. I'd folded a lot of them with intentions of putting them in the dresser, but it needed to be cleaned out and perfumed so the clothes didn't end up smelling bad.
God this entire apartment smelled like a bar.
I didn't want it smelling like that when she came home from the hospital.
In fact, I didn't even know if I WANTED to come back here.
What if all of this had just been a big mistake? I should have just stayed in my apartment until the baby was born, and then went from there when Andy was ready, not let him convince me that this would all work out when obviously it wasn't.
Neither of us had been ready for this.
Neither of us had realized what moving in together really meant.
Neither of us even wanted this kind of responsibility.
Andy was having to deal with me in my completely psycho moments, and I had to deal with him when I thought he was being a complete douche. Neither of us were really doing a good job of getting along with each other except when we decided we wanted to fuck.
Which is what had gotten us into this situation in the first place.
I bit my lip, thinking about the shaky couple of months before Warped.
I wasn't sure what had happened to the two of us, why we had suddenly just seemed to go downhill; we'd hardly talked, been kind of cross to each other without really just having a major fight --- maybe we should have taken a break after all, just to let things cool down.
But instead we'd trudged on, I'd fucked up and gotten pregnant, and now we were in this awful situation with no idea how to handle it and no one to guide us.
Don't get me wrong, Andy's parents were a godsend, and his mother was a complete blessing with sending us little tidbits in the mail and promising to visit, she was so sweet and helpful.
And Vale's mom like to drove me crazy sending me pictures of clothes or other baby things she thought would be perfect for Gracie, or she was going to buy, or bring when she visited --- typical mother expecting a grandchild.
I wondered if my mother knew she .... probably. She probably knew I was pregnant and scoffed at my idiocy; I kept waiting for a letter in the mail with a big, I told you so, printed on the front of it.
As much as I hated her for what she'd done to me, all the abusive years and stress, she'd turned out right in the end.
I was pregnant.
At twenty years old.
With the first guy I'd slept with in three years.
I pressed my hands over my face, feeling foolish and stupid and completely useless.
How could I have fucked up this badly in so little of a time span?
I grimaced, and wrapped my arms around my stomach, feeling the strange butterfly flutters again.
I had no idea what it meant, but I hoped it was a good sign.
I needed something good right now.
I also needed to calm down and stop freaking out over everything little thing that happened around me, and that meant at Andy too. I knew I was difficult to live with, I knew I ate everything that I could see and more, and I knew that I tossed and turned all night and he barely got any sleep.
Which was probably why he was so grouchy all the time.
Maybe I should just move back to Vales; I could set up Gracies things in my room, and I would have most of the apartment to myself while Vale stayed at CCs (I swear they were on the verge of moving in together), and maybe things would improve between me and Andy if we had a little time apart.
I felt completely trapped in this apartment, staying here day in and day out; I was going stir crazy.
And as much as I liked staying by myself, I also couldn't move around and do a lot of the things I had before.
And god forbid I sit down in the floor and try to get back up; that definitely wasn't an option for me anymore.
I looked down at my hands, seeing my wedding ring glinting in the vague overhead light, which also needed to be dusted and changed out.
This entire place needed to be cleaned.
I'd read somewhere about a "nesting" stage that all women went through, where basically you were trying to get your entire home ready for your baby, and I was pretty sure I was heading for that.
I'd never felt such an overwhelming urge to clean the cracks in the vents before because they were so dusty.
"Leah?" there was a knock on the door, and I glanced over my shoulder as Andy started to open it. I looked down, and then picked up some baby clothes to make it look like I'd actually been doing something instead of standing there stupidly, lost in my own thoughts.
"Yeah?"
Andy hesitated, and walked to me, wrapping his arms around me from behind. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."
"It's okay," I mumbled, his hands clasped over my stomach. I tightened my hand on the little white onesie with the cute little ducks printed on it, seeing my nails needing repainting. "It's not a big deal."
"I'll buy the bed," he pressed a kiss to my shoulder, "and I'll try to clean up the room a little more while I'm home. I know we have a lot of work to do."
"Okay," I didn't want to say too much, or get my hopes up.
Andy said he would do it, but would he really?
"What all do you want done, anyway?" He asked, glancing around the room.
I hesitated.
What if he didn't like it? What if he wanted to change it? I had my own ideas and a completely irrational fear that he wouldn't like them and I would be crushed.
I didn't want to tell him.
"I'm not sure yet, I haven't decided," I shrugged, pulling away from his arms. "But we'll need to look at a changing table, and we're gonna have to start cleaning the cigarette smoke out of the closet so she isn't addicted to nicotine by three months old."
He grimaced.
"I'll start smoking outside more."
Good.
That hadn't been my intention, but that was what I would like.
"What do you want to do with all your old clothes?" I asked, motioning at the closet.
"Uh," he looked at them. "Those were my first concert clothes. They're basically vintage."
"Well, can they be vintage somewhere else yet? All the clothes are basically sprawled out all over the bed; and the dresser needs to be cleaned too so it doesn't smell like mothballs."
"What's wrong with mothballs?"
"They smell terrible, and what if she's allergic?"
Andy sighed.
"I'll go to the store and buy some more cleaning supplies up. And some airfreshners."
"And some twizzlers."
"And some twizzlers," his lips twitched. "I'll be back in a couple hours."
"Fine." Thank god he was getting out.
I wanted to clean some, but I was one of those weird people who had to clean when they were absolutely alone. I got completely distracted and off task when someone was talking to me while I was in my rare cleaning moods, so if I could just listen to music and work I was fine.
Andy gave me a quick kiss, then left (and I'm pretty sure it was gratefully. And it also wasn't going to take a couple hours to go to a freaking convenience store and get cleaning supplies and twizzlers, I'm just saying.)
What else was he going to do?
I frowned at the open door, able to see the front door from here; he could have locked it on his way out.
I felt my phone in my pocket buzz, and I fished it out.
"Hello?"
"Leah panini!"
"Who is this?" I frowned. I didn't know the number, and there was too much static for me to really recognize the voice.
"It's Xavier."
Fuck.
"What do you want? I thought we agreed not to bother each other anymore," I muttered, extremely glad Andy had left this time.
"Well, I know we did," he sounded hesitant now, and the static cleared so I could actually understand more of what he was saying. "But I just wanted to check on you; I heard you were pregnant."
Jesus, who hadn't?
"Yeah."
"Boy or girl? Are you excited? I thought you never wanted kids."
"I didn't want kids; this was an accident," I looked down at my bulge. "And it's going to be a girl, I think."
Not that she was a bad accident; I was already insanely protective over her and I didn't want anyone to think that I didn't want her.
I just thought it was bad timing.
"Have you guys picked out names yet? It is Andys, right?"
I pursed my lips, feeling a little miffed.
Why did people have to say it like that?
"Of course it's Andys." I snapped. "Why the fuck wouldn't it be?"
"Whoa, Lee, calm down, I didn't mean it that way. I just heard you guys had some issues and then you turned up pregnant."
"And where would you hear that? We're perfect!" Who the hell would be talking to him, anyway? Our band had basically written him off when he'd gotten into drugs.
Xavier ran a night club called Dremel, and back when we'd first moved to the city we'd played there a lot, and it had helped boost us up and keep our rent paid until we'd been able to find a label that would produce us. Xavier had went through a bad phase with some hardcore drugs that had basically ruined our friendship with him.
And then Andy had punched him the last time we'd played at his club.
So they didn't like each other.
And Andy had also tried to break up with me the last time Xavier had visited me, even though he'd only been there to apologize and make amends for all the bad shit he'd caused.
Eh. I didn't want to think about that right now.
"Hey, I still have contacts, Leah, I'm not completely off the scene yet." Xavier chuckled at me. "And I didn't mean anything bad by it, I swear. I just wanted to see how you were doing, if you needed anything."
I needed a lot of things, but I wasn't about to admit it to him.
"No, Xav, I'm fine," I sighed, running my hand down my face. "I just look like a fucking whale and eat constantly."
"That's kind of what pregnant women do, sweetheart. When are you due?"
"January."
"Ooo, double birthday baby," he chuckled, his voice sounding a little scratchier then it used too, probably from all the drinking and smoking.
"Triple if you count Ashley's being in January too," I sighed.
"It can't be all that bad; I'm sure you'll love it when its screaming all night and no one is getting any sleep," he teased, and my lips twitched.
We'd cleared out all the bad things between us and had agreed it was probably best if we never talked again, but I was also kind of glad he had called.
It was nice to hear someone's voice that wasn't so ... involved, I guess.
All Vale wanted to talk about was either CC or the baby, or how much she missed me and doing things with me and that made me feel kind of bad and kind of lonely,
And me and Andy had a hard time having a conversation which didn't end with me crying or one of us getting pissy.
And Danny hardly called me because he worked so much.
And I really didn't have any other friends other then those who were in my band.
I wasn't close with Jake or Jinxx's women, at least not enough to where we called each other casually and chatted on the phone, and Ashley's girlfriend was the secretary at my studio, which I had always found a little odd, them being together.
So that was weird, too.
So I was glad he'd called.
Way more then I should have been.
"So... I'd like to maybe see you sometime, if that's okay," Xaviers voice was very hesitant. "Not in a weird I wanna date you way or anything, but just to check up."
"You know me and Andy got married, right?"
"I heard about it. Kind of rushed, wasn't it?"
"No," I said defensively. "It would have happened eventually; it just got pushed a little closer with the baby."
That's what I was telling myself.
"If you say so, babe. Which should let you know I'm not trying to hit on you or anything, I don't do married women."
"Like you could even get a woman," I chuckled, and I knew he was grinning.
"Ah, now there's the Leah I know! I was starting to wonder if motherhood and the married life had already turned you into a bitch."
"Hey, that's not fair!"
"It's not, but you know it happens. So how about that date?"
"Uh, I can't." I frowned, irritated with how much it sounded good to me. "I'm on bedrest, I can't even leave my apartment. Hell, I'm not technically supposed to be out of the bed right now. But I can't stand to sit down or lie around so much, it's driving me crazy."
"I know, you were always a squirmy little thing. You must be going crazy there. I could always come over." He sounded bright.
I shouldn't even be talking to him; I should hang up right now and not ever talk to him again.
So why wasn't I doing it?
"I moved in with Andy, and you know he'd blow a gasket if he ever saw you here," I glanced at the front door. "He hates you."
"He feels threatened by me," Xavier corrected. "That's all. And he's lucky you're locked up in that tower; pregnant women are a real turn on."
"Don't be gross," I chuckled, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I look like a whale."
"Probably a sexy whale! I bet Andy can't keep his hands off."
God, if he only knew.
Well, since we were talking...
"Hey, if I sent you a picture of these two paint schemes, could you tell me which one you liked better?"

Notes

Xavier is back!
But will he be a problem?
And I know it's a longer chapter, but It's the weekend and I'm not sure when next I'll be able to update.
So enjoy!