I sniffled softly, trying not to cry so loudly that I would wake Andy up.
He'd come to bed a couple hours ago and had fallen right asleep, his arm curled around my waist; my overly large, still expanding waist.
That was incredibly unattractive.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop crying like a big baby over something I couldn't help. I was being ridiculous over this, and I knew that, but I had been insecure before and this was just making it worse.
I never looked good in anything I wore, and I couldn't stand the fact none of my jeans fit me; I always looked so slouchy and slobby in my sweat pants and all I did was eat and I felt so disgusting.
And I wasn't making myself feel any better, either.
I wiped my face on the sheet, glad I hadn't worn makeup today; honestly I hadn't worn makeup in weeks, which was odd for me.
I just felt so tired and didn't have the energy.
I shuffled, my side growing uncomfortable now that I'd been laying still and tense for so long.
I couldn't sleep, but I didn't want to make Andy suffer this with me.
I was pretty sure he had an early morning tomorrow with the guys, I'd overheard Ashley mentioning it.
None of them seemed to upset with me over messing up their touring, their careers, basically their livelihood.
Because thats what I did.
I sighed, and rose into a sitting position, running a hand through my messy hair. Even my dye at this point was starting to look run down, the roots needing touch ups here and there.
But I'd read somewhere it wasn't safe to use chemicals on your hair during pregnancy, because somehow it got back to the baby and I didn't dare want to do anything that could endanger Gracie.
Or Christopher.
Whichever.
But I was leaning more toward a Gracie.
I glanced at Andy where he stirred; he was such a light sleeper it was hard to do anything in the middle of the night.
I tried to slip out of bed silently, but being the size of a whale, that proved impossible.
"Leah?" Andy mumbled, and I cringed.
He needed his sleep.
"It's okay," I whispered, and cleared my throat. "I just can't sleep."
"Oh." his eyes were still closed, so I didn't know how awake he was. I could probably escape ---.
Andy opened his eyes, and I sighed.
He was awake now.
He rose up on his elbows, the sheet tangled around his waist like usual.
He said I kicked, but he rolled around like he was trying to swim the length of the bed.
"You feeling okay?" he asked, reaching over for my hand.
The room was blessedly dark, so he couldn't see my face and tell I'd been a snot machine for the last hour.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine."
I rolled my eyes; like he would know the difference.
"I'm just... crabby." I muttered, leaning back against the headboard. I'd never even made it to the end of the bed.
Andy rose to his knees beside me. "Are you sure? You're not in pain or anything?"
"No," I sighed; he asked me this every time I had the wrong facial expression or I had a fit.
And I had a lot of fits lately.
I glanced over at him, barely able to see anything; the moon was behind the clouds tonight, so there wasn't anything but vague streeetlamps coming through the bedroom windows, which had curtains blocking them anyhow.
Why did Andy have to be so perfect? I wondered, seeing his slim outline.
I felt like a cow.
I felt tears well in my eyes again, thinkin about what Ashley had asked earlier. No, we didn't have a sex life, he wasn't even attracted to me. There was nothing even remotely attractive about being married to a whale.
I started to cry.
"Leah?" Andy sounded startled, and quickly crawled to my side, slipping his arms around me. "Baby, what's wrong?"
"I look like a whale," I wept, turning my face into his shoulder. "All the time! Nothing looks right on me!"
"Leah, you look beautiful," he murmured, and I could tell he wanted to sigh. He had to be tired of hearing me freak out all the time about my weight and how I looked; I had never realized how vain I was until this pregnancy.
"I'm so big!"
"You're not that big. It's only from your angle," he told me soothingly, stroking my hair. "Stop worrying so much, angel. How you look doesn't matter to me."
"But you don't even want to touch me!" I blurted, and then my face flamed in embarrassment. Why had I said that? Now he was going to think I was a total idiot who ----.
"Why would you say that?" Andy pulled away from me, and held me at arms length, his eyes lightly glowing in the darkness of the room.
"B-because," I mopped at my face with the sheet. "You.... you never want to touch me."
"Leah, I touch you all the time!" he looked frustrated. "Is this because of what Ash said earlier? He was just joking around."
"I know," I sniffled. "But... you haven't... we haven't since..."
He shifted uncomfortably. "I thought you wouldn't want too."
"Andy, I'm pregnant, not celibate." I snapped, abruptly irritated.
He gave me his familiar frown, dropping his hands from my arms. "I didn't mean it like that. You just never seemed in the mood."
"Of course not, I look like a balloon! And I'm tired, and sick, and I fucking hate looking like this!"
"Then why are you so upset?" he sounded confused. "You're on bedrest anyway!"
This was going downhill quickly.
I pressed my hands against my face, taking in a shaky breath.
Don't freak out on him, he's just a poor, innocent idiot.
Fuck.
"I'm so frustrated," I sighed after a moment, rubbing my face. "I can't sleep, and I'm going crazy."
"Can the doctor prescribe you anything?" he sounded so concerned.
He was trying, but I was mad at him.
I was always mad at him and I wasn't sure why.
"I don't know, I'll have to ask." I muttered, dropping my hands from my face.
I wanted to have sex, dammit!
I was in my second trimester, and I could remember being overly horny in the very beginning before the morning sickeness had caught up with me, now that I knew I had been pregnant then.
I bet it was the sex against the couch that had gotten me in this condition.
Angry sex.
Dammit Andy.
"This is all your fault!" I muttered crossly, turning my head sharply to look at him. "You just had to get me pregnant!"
"It takes two to tango, sweetheart."
And now he was being a smartass.
I scowled at him.
"Look, Leah," he sighed. "Do you want me to sleep on the couch? Would that help?"
"What? No!" I didn't want him to leave. "I just can't sleep. It has nothing to do with you."
"Are you sure? Because ----."
"Don't leave me," my voice sounded small, and Andy paused.
"I'm not going to leave you," he said softly after a moment, reaching out to caress my face. "I would never leave you, Leah."
He pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me tightly, reassuringly, and I sighed, my face hot as I pressed it against his cool neck.
"I'm sorry I'm so mean," I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. "I don't mean to be."
"It's alright, love," he kissed my temple. "I know you don't mean it."
I'm glad someone did.
I closed my eyes, starting to feel considerably calmer as he rocked me slightly, humming under his breath.
I felt my shoulders relax, and he nuzzled my throat, pressing light kisses against my skin.
"Andy, don't," I mumbled, squirming.
"The doctor said we could, didn't she?"
I hesitated; she had said that once we'd gotten home and I'd become settled in my environment, we could try... but that if it proved to be too much she highly suggested against it.
But I'd read in so many places that if you were on bedrest or gone into pre-term labor that it was dangerous, and I was barely six months along and....
I needed him so badly.
Fuck it!
I pulled his lips to mine hungrily, my fingers knotting in his hair. I felt his surprise, and then he grinned slightly, kissing me back just as passionately. His tongue delved into my mouth, and I moaned, literally already throbbing.
He pressed me down on my side, curling my body up against his as he kissed me, his fingers running lightly down my back to my waist and back again, sending tingles down my spine.
He tugged on my shorts, easily getting them down my hips, and excitement rippled through me at the motion.
He had no idea how badly I wanted this.
I gasped as his fingers curled between my thighs, everything sensitive and heightened, and my nails dug into his arms as he gently slipped a digit inside me.
"Are you okay?" he whispered, and I nodded quickly, biting my lip so I wouldn't be so loud.
"Yes," I managed, my nails raking across his skin.
I moaned again, unable to help it, and he chuckled, kissing my chest.
I had almost forgotten how good he was with his hands.
I gasped again, ridiculously turned on; I didn't even know it was this possible to ----.
"Andy!"
He pulled out of me immediately, stopping me on the peak of my climax, and the look I gave him could have melted steel.
"You're not the only one who's going to enjoy this," he murmured in my ear, crawling over me until his chest was against my back. He nuzzled my neck, pressing more light kisses against my skin, and I sucked in a breath as I felt his hardness against my back.
I was going to combust.
"Andy," I whimpered as his hand cupped my breast beneath my shirt, the skin sore and sensitive.
"Are you ready?" he murmured against my shoulder, driving me absolutely up the wall with every touch.
"God yes!"
He chuckled, scooting down slightly on the bed, and I groaned as I felt him nudge my entrance before slowly slipping inside, my nails digging into the sheets.
"Jesus, Leah," he gasped, his fingers digging into my hips as his chest pressed against my back, his pace starting off slow as he tried not to hurt me.
It felt better now then it ever had before!
It didn't take me long to be close to climax, my body hypersenitive and aching, and Andy was groaning softly, his lips pressed against my throat as he tried not to go too fast, to keep everything gentle.
He'd always had a hard time with gentle.
I bit my lip, raking my fingers down the sheets as I felt myself start to peak, my muscles tightening immediately, Andys fingers digging painfully into my skin as he tried to control himself, his teeth grazing my skin.
I gave a cry as that sent me over the edge.
"Fuck!" Andy gasped, pushing deep inside me as I rode out my orgasm, forcing him with me.
Good thing I was already pregnant, I thought, panting at the effort.
And I hadn't even done anything.
"Jeez, Leah," Andy breathed, kissing my shoulder. "You're so responsive."
"Shut up," I muttered, a little embarrassed.
He'd barely had to touch me and I'd practically came.
Andy grinned devilishly as he leaned over me, smothering my cheek in kisses. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun with this."
"So you say," I mumbled tiredly ash he crawled back to face me, pulling me against him. I pressed my lips against his throat, letting my fingers trail down his ribs.
So he was at least a little attracted to me then, I told myself.
And it wasn't the fact both of us were starved for sex, either.
That's what I wanted to believe.
"Leah," He murmured, catching my hand. "You have no idea how much I want to ravage you right now."
"Trust me," I snorted against his throat, "you have no idea how much I want to be ravaged."
He chuckled, a little caught off guard, and groaned as I nipped at his skin, making sure I would leave a hickey; I was feeling a little possessive.
I might look like a whale, but he was my freaking fisherman and no one bitch in the sea was going to miss that fact.
And why the hell was I using sea metaphors?

Notes

I just have to say how much I HATE THIS FREAKING WEBSITE AND ITS SHITTY GLITCHES AND TEMPER-TANTRUMS

okay, now I feel better.

And maybe this will help out Leahs self esteem as long as they keep it... easy.

Make sure you guys check out my other fan fiction! I also write Motionless in White
Self Destructive
Time to Survive