Accidents Don't Just Happen Accidentally

"Thank you so much, you guys were fucking awesome! We love you guys so much. Thanks for a fucking amazing show, BVB Army!" I yelled into the mic right before heading off stage. I was covered in sweat and ready to drink a gallon of water.

The guys handed over their instruments and I met up with John. He was waiting with five bottles of water for all of us. I graciously took one and headed for the dressing room. We didn't have a signing tonight, we were on a tight schedule and it actually made me sad that we would only get to do a small meet and greet, but I guess that means I get a night to rest my hand of scribbling down my name on a poster or CD.

I decided I needed a quick smoke, so I grabbed my pack, a lighter and my phone. I've been checking it for the past two days to see if Alex has tried texting me. I'll give it a few more days before I decide that she's not going to contact me, until then, I'm constantly wanting to check my phone. It's as if I'm anticipating her communication, but at the same time, it makes me feel more and more like an ass.

I sign and head to a window and crack it open before lighting up. I take a drag and click on my home screen button to light up my phone. After entering my pin, I see that to no avail, there's no text or missed call from Alex. I guess its better that way, it isn't fair to Juliet.

Speaking if which, I text her after taking another drag and blowing the smoke out the window. I let her know that we just got done with the show and our meet and greet was in about five minutes. I then continue to tell her that I'll call when the meet and greet is over.

She texted back within seconds.

K, love ya babe. Crow misses you. I miss you

I want to text back telling her I love her too and that I'm sorry, that I made a mistake a few nights ago. I want to tell her everything, that it meant nothing. That there's no excuse for it, that it makes me a horrible person. But I don't, instead I tell her I have to get going and that I miss her, which is true, but its not all that I have to say.

I finished my cigarette and put it out in the ashtray and set my phone down with my pack. I'll be back later to get he rest of my stuff with the guys. I run a hand through my damp hair. One thing I love about my job, is that it let's me be free if anything that's going on in my real life, even for a minute. When I do meet and greets, its a time I get to connect with the fans and not have to be stuck in my mind.

I head out to the meet and greet. The guys are already waiting there, and I see fans lined up, ecstatic. I smile. It's nice to see the army, and it still blows my mind that we have an army.

The meet and greet goes along smoothly. We took a lit of pictures and gave a lot of hugs. It was a typical meet and greet, but every fan is different, making ever expierence unique.

When we were coming to the end, I could tell we were all getting pretty antsy, and just wanted to get on the bus. Right before we were done, I noticed a girl crying. Her eyeliner was running and I couldn't tell if it was tears of sadness or joy. I found my answer when she came up to me, speaking through her sobs.

"I can't t-tell you h-how much you m-mean to me. You're music has saved my life so m-many times. I don't think I'd be h-here if it wasn't for you g-guys."

I felt my heart drop. I love to know that we've saved people, but it breaks my heart knowing that our fans need saving. We're just human, we make music, and there isn't much we can actually do.

She individually gave us hugs. She came to me last, and I held her tight and whispered she was strong. I didn't except her to respond.

"You're music makes me strong. You're some of the best people I know." She let go of me and smiled through her tear stained eyes.

I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't feel like a good person, not anymore. Not after what I did. But I smile anyways, because I do care. And as she walks away, I realize how empty I feel knowing what I've done.

We walk back to the dressing room in silence. I know that expiernce was emotional for all of us. I grab my things and head for the bus by myself. I don't feel like talking to the guys right now. I just want to call Juliet and call it a night.

I'm the first on the bus as I climb into my bunk and dial Juliet's number. She answers after two rings and I realize how much I've missed her voice. We haven't talked on the phone for a couple of nights, and it was heaven to hear her voice.

"Hey, Andy." She sang.

I grinned like the Cheshire cat and sang a helloe back. I felt my phone vibrate in my hand and recognized it as a text. Immediately I thought it was Alex, but I didn't check it. I was talking to my girlfriend, the woman I love, I needed to not think about Alex.

"How was your day, Dragonfly?" I asked, ignoring the guilt creeping in my mind.

"Peachy, Crow decided to miss the litter box this morning and pee in the kitchen. Then I got some hateful tweets for dating you, but you should have seen the grammar, it made me laugh; still though, it's nice to know your army hates me."

"They don't all hate you." I replied. This topic comes up a lot, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I'll never get it through to her that as long as we're together, there are going to be the ones that love us together and the ones that despise us together.

"You know what, Andy? It's alarming how many of your fans send me Barry tweets and hate mail, compared to the amount that are sweet. It seems the majority that have contactwd me hate me."

I rolled my eyes. It sounded like she was asking for an argument tonight and I want in the mood. "What about when you meet them face to face? They're always so sweet."

"That's because they're the small majority that actually like me, not the ones that don't."

"Juliet, can we not talk about this again?"

"Fine, if you just want to let your fans hate on me because we're happy then yea, I'll drop it."

"That's not what I mea-" She cut me off in the middle of a word.

"That's exactly what you meant."

"Juliet, please, can we not fight tonight? I want to be able to go one week without a stupid fucking fight."

"Well, then maybe you shouldn't start them." She stated with vile lacing her words. This just pissed me off.

"I start them?"

"Yes, you never take my side anymore, and it pisses me off, Andy. I'm sick of it." She seethed, causing me to be further enraged.

"Name one instant where I haven't taken your side." I stated. When there was silence for a while, I replied to the thin air, "That's right, there isn't one."

"Andy, you know what I mean. You never defend me anymore."

"Because I'd rather leave the haters alone than fuel the fire. I still love you, I just don't see a point in telling people how wrong they are."

"Did I not mention how some of them are telling me to kill myself?"

"Juliet, I can't contr-"

"Andy don't fucking start that. You cou-"

"Juleit, I cannot in any way stop them from speaking. I can't chan-"

"Don't start with that bullshit again!"

"Julier, why are you getting so pissed at me?" I hollered right back. I hate getting into these fights, but they just seem to happen a lot more lately.

"Because, Andy, I'm getting so fucking sick of you defending your fans more than me!"

"I'm merely stating a fact, I'm not defending them over you."

"It sure as shit seems that way."

"You know, I don't want to deal with this tonight. I'm fucking exhausted from fighting with you all the time."

"Yea, just walk away like a real man."

"Juliet! What's wrong with you?"

"Just goodnight, Andy. I'll talk to you tomorrow." With that, she hung up.

What's with her lately? Why is she constantly in the mood to fight? Does shesomehow know what I did and this is my punishment? Yet, there's no way she'd know, and besides that, the fights started weeks before what happened.

I signed and set down my phone. I vigorously rubbed my eyes. Maybe if I came clean she'd stop and we could focus on working this out, but then again, I'd lose her. I just want the fights to stop and the guilt to go away. Maybe if I hold onto it for so long it'll not affect me as much. Or it could eat me alive and consume me until I told her.

I picked up my phone to see a text from an unknown number. This was it, this is what I've been waiting for, I was certain. I felt relieved that I wouldn't be wondering whether or not she'd contact me anymore.

I unlocked my phone again and went straight to the text. Something seemed off, though. It wasn't a regular hello.

Hey, I'm really horny, can you come over?

I replied, utterly confused.

Who is this?

The unknown number turned out not to be Alex, bit instead a girl named Kendra, looking for someone named Matt. She then apologized after I told her that this wasn't Matt's number.

I was slightly disappointed. I wanted to talk to Alex. She seemed like a cool girl, and I think I'd like talking to her.

The scene of the last time I saw her ran through my mind. I saw her trying to sneak off my bunk, bare back facing me. Her hair was tossled, which strangely set off a feeling of satisfaction in me.

Thinking about her made little Andy stir. Goddammit, that's not supposed to happen. I am not supposed to get a boner over her.

I tried thinking about anything other than her, but whenever you try to not focus on something or someone, it fails. At least with me it does. It seems to be the only thing that's on my mind when I'm trying to avoid it.

As my mind wouldn't get her out of my thoughts, I couldn't seem to get little Andy to settle down. I drew the curtain to my bunk. I know I shouldn't be getting off at the thought of Alex rather than Juliet, to me it's like cheating on Juliet again. It just seemed right in the moment as I was groping myself.

When I was done and felt myself explode, I instantly felt horrible.

Notes