My Fallen Angel

"Can we at least talk about this?"
"No, there's nothing to talk about!"
"Yes, there is, and you can't keep putting it off!" I hissed, standing my ground. "We need to talk about what I'm carrying ---."
"What's there to talk about, hmm? You're getting rid of it."
"No, I'm not. I'm, I'm keeping it."
Ashlandils body went rigid, and I saw the glamour immediately flash off his eyes as he straightened, clenching his fists tightly by his sides.
"You're WHAT?"
I flinched.
We were upstairs on the bus, everyone below getting ready to leave for the hotel. The plane left tomorrow morning, and we would all be returning to the states, and hopefully they wouldn’t be taking anymore tours for a while.
I'd been meaning to bring up my decision to him for a couple days now, but it had never seemed the right time, or he blew me off like he'd started to do this time. But I had to tell him before we returned home, before he tried to make an appointment and I informed him I wasn’t going to go.
I wasn’t going to get rid of my child.
"I'm, I'm keeping it."
"Why the bloody hell would you do that?"
I wished he'd stop yelling at me.
"Because I don’t want to get rid of it, that's why!" I snapped at him, crossing my arms defensively. "I want to keep it."
"You can't KEEP it, Kenali! If you birth that spawn then you'll have to give it up anyway!" He scowled at me, running his fingers through his dark hair. "Don’t you think it's easier just to go ahead and end it now, not deal with all the aggravation later? You'll just want to check on it constantly."
"Well, that's the thing," I hesitated, knowing this is where the major issue was going to come in; he wasn’t going to be happy about this, "I'm, I'm not, not giving it up, either. I'm keeping it, permanently."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm not giving it away to the humans," I shook my head, keeping my eyes averted to the floor so I wouldn’t have to look at him. "I'm going to raise it. Like, like it should be."
There was silence.
I bit my lip, then slowly glanced up at his face, knowing --- and there it was.
"YOU CAN'T FUCKING KEEP IT. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN SHIT TO THE LITTLE SHIT? NO, NO FUCKING WAY!"
I sighed. "I'm going to tell it the truth, Ashlandil. I'm not going to lie to it."
"You can't tell it the TRUTH," He hissed, his eyes flaming brighter. "Have you gone completely stupid? Kenali, you know better then this! you'll just be putting it in danger!"
"How is it not in more danger if I give it away and the others find out about it?" I demanded, glaring up at him; I refused to let him make me cower down anymore, I was done with that. "I can't protect it if I'm not near it! At least then it can be cautious, it can learn to protect itself, it ---."
"Shouldn't even be born!" He bellowed, throwing his arms into the air, and I flinched at the sharp motion. "Fucking get rid of it and not even bother with the rest of that bullshit!"
"NO! Why do you want me to get rid of it so badly?" I demanded, my hair slipping off my shoulders as I stepped forward, stabbing him in the chest with my nail. "Why the fuck is your damned bastard child so much more important then mine? You didn’t make Kacy get rid of it, now did you? NO! YOU SET UP A TRUST FUND FOR IT!"
He looked like I'd punched him, and he took a step away from me, grinding his teeth together, not saying a word.
Yes, I'd been waiting for days to throw that up in his face.
He couldn’t pretend that child didn’t exist.
"Do you want me to get rid of it too?" He said after a moment, his voice deathly soft, and my eyes flicked over to his.
"What?"
"Is that what this is about? You're upset about the accident?" He sighed, shaking his head. "I can get rid of it, if it'll please you. I'll make Kacy get an abortion, and then you can get rid of ---."
"No, Ashlandil, that's not what I want at all!" I gasped, staring at him. "No!"
"Well then, what the hell do you want?" He huffed. "How can I convince you?"
"You can't," I shook my head. "Nothing you say will make me not want it. I'm keeping it. That’s it."
I clenched my hands nervously, feeling them get a little sweaty as he eyed me, obviously trying to find a way to break me down. But I'd been preparing this since I'd been sensible to think again, and I'd already gone through all the possibly hurtful things he could say to me to convince me.
I was prepared.
I was ready.
Though him saying he'd get rid of his own child I hadnt expected.
Dammit, maybe this conversation should have waited.
"No." He finally said, and I blinked at him.
"No?"
"No. you're not keeping it. I forbid it."
Oh really?
I rolled my eyes. "Ashlandil, you can't forbid me from having a baby."
"I damn well can too!" He huffed, starting to pace back and forth between the bunks, staring down at my stomach like he wanted nothing more then to exorcise the defenseless child growing there. I placed a hand against it protectively, eyeing him warily.
He wouldn’t hurt my baby, I wouldn’t let him.
I knew I should have waited with this conversation, the doctor had even said that if I did want to get rid of the child, I would have to wait a couple months until my body was strong enough. he'd told me not to get overly stressed, and having this talk with Ashlandil was the most stressful thing I could currently think of.
"Stop looking at me like you want to throw me out a window."
"I DO want to throw you out a window," he muttered, running his hands through his hair again, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. He finally stopped pacing, stopping completely in front of me.
"I'm serious, Kenali. You can't have that thing."
I bristled. "And why not?"
"Because it's not right!" He stared me down, his eyes refusing to leave mine. "You're too new to this world, you're sick with the black veins, and if you have that child, you're going to be enlaved to it and all of its descendents, do you understand that? And the only bloody reason you want to keep it is because it's from HIM, don’t think I don’t realize that! If it was just some other mortals child, you wouldn’t think twice about removing it."
Well, he was partially right.
I did want to keep it because it was Andiels, technically, and because we could never have anything else together like this. But he didn’t have to know it was his, and I doubted he would ever know about it if he didn’t Fall.
"I'm having it," I muttered stubbornly.
It was my child, I couldn’t, I had to do the right thing.
This was the right thing, right?
Ashlandils eyes glimmered dangerously, and he stepped closer to me. I took an involuntary step back, feeling the bunks press against my shoulders, and I stared up at him, my eyes flicking to the sharpness of his teeth.
"You're not keeping it," he said softly, his voice dark, and my entire body tensed. "I won't allow that spawn into this world, do you understand me?"
"You won't harm it," I snarled, clenching my hand against my stomach. "I won't let you hurt my baby, Ashlandil!"
My skin was starting to crawl with the darkness that I could feel off of him, his body so close to mine his chest almost brushed mine. I hated it when he was like this, so out of control with himself he let the darkness loose too much --- that's what had happened before when he'd forced himself on me, but this time I wasn’t as weak.
I wouldn’t let him control me like that.
I wouldn’t let him do anything to me!
My fingers were suddenly pressing against his chest, which felt like I was pressing against a solid rock for all the good it did.
"Get away from me!"
"No," his fingers curled around my wrists, nails sharp. "Not until you agree to get rid of the bastard."
"NO!" I shoved at him, but my arms trembled, refusing to have the strength I needed them too.
Okay, I REALLY should have waited to have this conversation until I had my strength back.
"Ashlandil, please, stop!"
"Get rid of it!" He hissed, and I shook my head, pressing my lips into a tight line.
"No!"
His grip tightened. "Either you get rid of it, Kenali, or I will!"
"You'll do no such thing, and you can't force me to either!" I cried, feeling my eyes start to burn. "Get off of me!"
I'd told myself I wouldn’t let him make me cry, but here I was, big tears seeping into my eyes because I was so weak I couldn’t even stand up for myself. This always happened --- he always ended up bullying me, and I didn’t want it to be that way this time!
I wanted this baby, he couldn’t take it away from me!
"You're just mad it Isn't yours!" I hissed, the words clawing their way out of my throat. "That’s all youre concerned about! You're mad because you can't get me pregnant, but HE CAN!"
His hand slammed into the bunk beside my head to hard he broke through the wood, and I shrieked, dodging automatically, my hand flying up to protect my face from the flying debris.
I cringed away, and he growled low in his throat, his entire body hovering in place.
"Don’t you ever fucking say that to me again," he said softly, his eyes such a bright red I couldn’t seem to look away from them. "Don’t you ever ---."
"Ashley, what the fuck? Get away from her!"
I jerked, and we both looked over, seeing Andy staggering away from the stairs and towards us, CC and Jake hot on his heels.
I felt Ashlandils hand go lax around the wrist he still held, and he slowly took a step away from me, his face mottled with anger.
Andy to the rescue.
I sniffed, and hastily wiped at my face before they got close to us, my hands trembling.
I had hoped this would go differently, that he would come around to my side, want to help me raise it and not make me do it on my own. I had hoped he would, he would...
But of course he wouldn’t.
I was naïve to think he would want to raise another mans child.
"Are you okay?" Andy demanded, stepping up to my side immediately, his hand going to my shoulder. "Are you hurt?"
"N-no," I stammered, shaking my head quickly. "It's, it's not like what you're thinking --."
"Stop protecting him," Andy's blue eyes swept furiously to Ashlandil where he stood, almost vibrating in place he was still so angry with me. "He doesn't deserve it."
"LIke you do?" Ashlandil hissed instantly. "You fucked around on her when ---."
"You did the very same!" Andy hissed back. "You got someone pregnant ---."
"It wasn't on purpose though!"
I grimaced, wishing I could just press my hands against my ears and not hear them argue.
"Enough of this, you too!" Jake suddenly interrupted, glaring at the two of them. "Now isn't the time to start another goddamned fight, do you hear me? I am sick and tired of this! Kenna, come here," he huffed, reaching for me.
I started to step forward automatically, but Ashlandil's hand snapped forward, grabbing my arm and jerking me back.
"Not until we're done talking," he snapped, his grip severely painful on my arm. I hesitated, staring up at him, feeling my heart start to thunder in my ears.
He wasn’t going to let me keep it, I realized, staring up at him.
He would find a way to make me lose the child.
I made a split decision.
"I'm keeping it," I said quietly, my gaze not wavering from his. "With or without you, do you understand?" I was speaking between my teeth, and every word was clear. "I don't care what you want anymore, but this is mine, and I'm going to take care of It, no matter the cost. Now Let. Go. Of. ME."
His gaze wavered on mine, and he slowly peeled his fingers off my arm.
"You shouldn’t," he muttered, eyeing me warily. "You can't."
"I can and I will!" I hissed back, and turned sharply, refusing to look at him anymore.
"Keep what?" Andy demanded, stepping between us as I walked over to Jake, making sure my eyes were on the carpet. "What are you talking about?"
If they figured out I was pregnant, maybe it would deter Ashlandil from some evil plan that he was cooking up. Maybe if they knew, my child would be safer. That was the only reason I'd spoke, the only reason I'd said anything about it in front of any of them.
They would figure it out.
"Kenna?" Jake was staring at me too. "What are you talking about?"
I didn’t respond, and just shook my head quickly, my curls hitting me in the face.
There was a tense silence.
"Guys? Hey, where is everybody?" I heard CCs voice suddenly call from downstairs, and I winced as I heard him coming up the stairs. He paused at the top, glancing at all of us.
"What's going on?" He asked hesitantly. "What happened?"
"Kenna?" Andy demanded, and I huffed, crossing my arms over my stomach as I half-turned to glance back at him. My eyes went from his to Ashlandils, and he was glaring at me, daring me to say something in front of all of them.
I narrowed my eyes.
Fine.
If he wanted to be like that ---.
"I'm pregnant."
All of them stiffened.
Ashlandil looked like he was going to explode.
My eyes flicked to Andy's, and his entire body was tense as he looked at me, his brain clicking. I could see it all over his face, wondering if it was his, how that would mess up his career, he couldn’t have a child ---.
I couldn’t look at him anymore.
"Oh." Was all Jake said, gazing at me. "Well, that's a surprise."
"Not a welcome one," Ashlandil grumbled, and I winced.
"Ashley!" CC hissed, and he strode over to where all of us were huddled. "What the fuck! Don’t say that to her!"
"Is that what you two were fighting over?" Jake asked after a moment, his calm eyes roving to where the angry devil stood. "Her pregnancy?"
Ashlandil shrugged.
"How... how far along are you?" Andy asked, his voice sounding strangled.
Ashlandil actually rolled his eyes.
"It's not yours," he muttered after a moment, taking the decision away from me, and my eyes went to his. "Don’t worry your pretty little head over it. You're not the one who's fucked."
"Says the guy who already has a girl pregnant on the side," I snapped, clenching my hands.
He actually winced.
"Holy shit," CC stared at the two of us. "Is that why you had to go to the hospital, Kenna? Was something wrong with the baby?"
"It's... it's when I found out," I mumbled, flushing. "I didn’t know."
"Well that explains a lot," CC rubbed the back of his head as he looked at me. "What are you going to do about it?"
"I’m keeping it," I said immediately, shrugging. "I'm not getting rid of my child."
"Kena ---."
"I'm not!" I hissed, and Ashlandil ground his teeth as he looked at me. He couldn’t throw a fit with all of his band members standing around, now could he? I felt a little more triumphant as I stared him down, daring him to show them how he really acted when he wasn’t playing the mortal.
He couldn’t do anything now.
I'd taken that away from him.
"Well, so are you having two kids now?" CC glanced at Ashlandil, who was now looking like he was going to be sick. "That's kind of intense."
"I'm not having any fucking kids," Ashlandil snapped, running his hands over his face. "God dammit."
I pressed my lips into a thin line.
"If she doesn’t want to get rid of Iit, she doesn’t have to," Andy spoke after a moment, clearing his throat. His relief was so palpable I could almost taste it as he looked between the two of us, and it brought an awful taste to my mouth.
It was a good thing he didn’t know it was his, then. He wouldn’t have wanted it, not when he was supposed to be with Kennedi anyway. This would have messed up his human plan too much.
It was messing up everything.
And it was only a few weeks old.
I hesitated, pressing my hand tightly against my stomach.
Ashlandil wasn’t going to help me with this.
When we got off that plane tomorrow, I would need to leave, get as far away from him as I possibly could to make sure this baby made it to term, make sure that he didn’t do anything to try to hurt it.
This child was going to be the only thing I had left.

Notes

So, I still have this god-awful head cold, I officially sound like a man who's been smoking for forty years (even though I dont smoke at all), my nose has not stopped running, I'm coughing my lungs out, and I think I'm dying a little.

but on the plus side, i managed to get you guys an update.
great, right?

yeah.

I'm still dying.
I'm gonna go die a little bit more in the corner now.