My Fallen Angel

I watched as they performed, my arms crossed.
My body was buzzing with health, and I felt the best I had in months. But I also felt so guilty.
And sad.
And I shouldn't! Ashley had told me that Andy and Juliet were broken up by the time we slept together, so he hadn't cheated on her with me, which had been such a relief.
But I hadn't wanted it to be that way, for it to just be meaningless drunk sex that I'm sure had been good but I could barely remember.
Maybe that's what bothered me.
I sighed, turning away from the stage and wandering back to their dressing room, thinking about Theda.
Ashlan had told me he'd had to kill Raza, and I believed him. But I felt so awful for her as well; his death really bothered her. And Cronus had run off.
Or had Seraphine gotten to him?
I was terribly worried.
I felt like something bad was going to happen.
I sat down slowly in one of the chairs, gazing at the messy makeup tables.
Everything had escalated so quickly, and I was irritated that Ashlan hadn't removed Andys memory; now he would just think I was some kind of harlot with no loyalty.
And I felt so guilty, like I had smacked Ashley in the face by sleeping with the one I actually cared for... As if everything he'd done for me didn't matter, when it really did.
I appreciated everything he'd done for me so much.
And why did CC keep looking at me so strangely?
I glanced over at his table where his black hat sat.
He just looked so worried whenever he looked at me, and I wasn't sure why or what... Did he know that I'd slept with Andy?
I stared down at my hands.
Did he think differently of me now?
Oh no.
I pressed my hands over my face.
Why had it been that way?
I felt like all the specialness of being with the one you loved for the first time had been stripped away.
We'd just... Just fucked and it hadn't meant anything to him, where it should have meant the world.
I felt my eyes dampen, but I blinked them hastily, tired of sniveling about everything.
God why did I do such a foolish thing?
I sniffled, and then wiped at my face quickly as I heard the music end. I hopped to my feet and bustled out of the dressing room where I could see the guys as they left the stage, making sure there wasn't any trouble.
I couldn't even look at them, so I kept my gaze to the side, scanning the crowd.
"Ken?"
No no no, I thought, stiffening. Leave me alone!
"Kenna, can we talk a moment?" Andy mumbled, looking uncomfortable. I sent him an anxious glance, and then back at where Ashley was pretending not to notice us talking.
"I'd rather not," I muttered.
"Please." he insisted, reaching for me, but I jerked, stepping quickly back from him.
I didn't need him enamored.
He looked hurt, and let his hand drop.
"There's nothing to talk about," I told him stiffly, crossing my arms.
He glared at me.
"If you don't want to talk about it in private we can talk about it right here," he snapped, and I felt Ashleys eyes shoot over to us at his tone.
I wavered, then shrugged, taking a few steps away from the door.
I didn't want them fighting again.
Andy frowned, and his fingers latched around my sleeved arm as he began to drag me down the hallway, and up a flight of stairs to one of the extra rooms.
"What are you doing?" I snapped, pulling away from him.
"I wanna apologize," he said quickly, taking a step away from me. "For what happened the other night. We were both drunk, and I ... Might have taken advantage of the situation," he muttered, rubbing his sweaty hair.
I pressed my lips together.
"But Juliet and I broke up," he added, "and I was pissed off and hurt and ---."
"I was a convenient rebound, I get it," I mumbled, staring at the floor.
It had been meaningless.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Kenna, not like that. Or Ashley. I know how much you guys care about each other, and I'm so sorry."
My eyes flicked up to his.
He didn't know ANYTHING.
I clenched my fists, feeling angry all of a sudden.
He had no idea what last night meant --- or shouldve meant to me! He didn't know how Ashley and I felt about each other, he didn't know why I was even here!
"You don't know anything," I found myself hissing at him. "You have absolutely no idea!"
"What?" he blinked at me, taken back.
"You know what? It doesn't matter how sorry you are, Andy, because you'll never be as regretful as I am!"
His eyes darkened.
"You can't be that regretful, Kenna, because it's not like you didn't enjoy it," he muttered, and I felt my face flush.
"It could have been the most mind-blowing sex in the world, Andy, but that didn't make it the right thing to do!"
"It WAS the most mind-blowing sex ever," he stated, glaring at me. "And now I can see why Ash is so hung up on keeping you around."
That stung.
"That's not the reason ---."
"Do you know that he's cheating on you?"
"Andy ---."
"Remember Kacy? Yeah, that's who he was with last night, Kenna. You shouldn't feel bad for sleeping with me when he's not been faithful to you for one moment!"
"Stop, I ---."
Why was he telling me this? Was he trying to hurt me? I knew Ashlandil couldn't be faithful, it wasn't in his nature --- like it wasn't in mine, I realized. I would never be able to deny the temptations of this world, no matter how much I wanted too, and it wasn't fair.
I didn't want to be like that.
"How can you be so fucking forgiving of him?" Now Andy was shouting at me.
I cringed, wanting to cover my ears like a child. I didn't want to listen to him, everything he said stung. I knew it wasn't Ashandils fault, just like it wasn't mine, but how could I explain such a thing? And why did Andy even care? Was because of his human nature, or was Andiel trying to tell me something?
I could never tell anymore.
"Stop," I whimpered, not wanting to listen anymore. "Please stop, Andy. I--- I don't want to hear anymore!"
"You have to listen to me, Kenna!" Andy grabbed my wrists, pulling them away from my face. "I don't want him to keep hurting you --- or for you to keep letting it happen. He won't ever be faithful, not to you, no matter how deeply he feels for you."
I frowned; how deeply he feels for me?
He didn't feel anything for me.
"Let go," I mumbled, straining away from him, my back pressing against a bunch of old boxes and containers. "I don't want to talk about this."
"Well you're going too!"
"Stop yelling at me!"
"It's the only way you seem to listen!"
"Let go!" I shrieked, and jerked out of his grip; I was so afraid to use any force on him right now, especially when I wasn't sure of my strength.
It would kill me if I accidently hurt him.
He glared at me again, huffy.
"Andy, it's none of your business, our relationship!" I hissed at him, losing my temper. "And just because we slept together accidently doesn't give you any right to tell me what to do or anything else! We're friends, that's it, got it? And the way you're acting, we won't even be that for long! What is WRONG with you lately? You're not even acting like yourself!"
"Because of you!" He hissed, interrupting me. "Because I can't stop fucking thinking about my best friends girlfriend!"
I stiffened.
"What?"
Andy looked frustrated. "Ever since you got here, it's like everything has changed. I hate to see him touch you, cheat on you, be with you; it makes my blood boil because in my soul I know he's not good enough for you; you can't settle for him!"
"I can do whatever I like! I don't need your permission!"
"Why do I feel like you do?" he snapped, and I frowned up at him, irritated. "I can barely stand the fact that after this you'll just go running right back to him like everything is fine, when you know it's not!"
This was getting out of control.
"I'm not discussing this with you," I muttered, side-stepping him. "We can't be having this conversation, not here. Or anywhere."
"Yes, we can!" He grabbed my arm and whirled me around, pressing me back against the boxes, his grip tight. "We're going to have this conversation right now and you're not getting out of it! This is driving me crazy!"
"Stop freaking out so much!"
He was starting to worry me.
He glared at me again, but then his gaze seemed to soften, as if he realized how unreasonable he was being.
"I'm sorry," he said after a moment, grip slacking. "But I can't stand the thought of watching you leave. Not when I haven't had a chance."
"A chance for what?" I mumbled, trying to gently pull away from him.
"To show you I can be better then him."
I froze, staring at his chest.
Oh no; what was he talking about?
Slowly, I let my eyes drift up to his face, his deep eyes determined as they gazed down at me.
"W-what are you ---?" I couldn't even manage my sentence; I knew exactly what it meant and that scared me more.
"Leave him, Kenna," Andy said after a moment, his thumb rising to graze my cheek. "Just leave Ashley and ... and be with me instead."
Oh.
"Andy, I --- what about Juliet? You two just broke up!"
"I know," he looked frustrated again. "But I don't even care. I honestly haven't cared in months... Not since you come back. I can't stop thinking about you, Kenna."
He curled a strand of my hair around his finger, tugging gently.
"I dreamt of you... before I had ever met you," he murmured, and I swallowed. "You were always the red headed girl in my dreams, flying with me like we were angels. I've been dreaming about you since I was a kid. And now you're here --- that has to mean something, doesn't it?"
I stared at him.
Oh.
I.... I didn't even know how to feel, how to think.
I just felt stunned.
He shouldn't have been dreaming of me, that part of him was supposed to be completely locked away, almost erased until he became an angel again.
And at this rate, it was becoming very unclear if he would.
Which was why I had come here.
I hadn't come to increase his sins, but try to lessen them.
And I wouldn't do that by falling into temptation and sleeping with him.
I pulled my hair from his grip as I turned my face away, my chest aching painfully.
I could do this.
I could DO this.
"Andy, we can't be together," I managed, my voice strangled. "Please stop this. Please."
"I won't. I won't stop until you admit that there IS something to this! It's no coincidence you're here, is it?"
"Please," I begged, refusing to look at him. "Just stop it. You have no idea ---."
"You keep saying that!" he snapped. "But you won't explain! I've been hearing that from Ashley for years and I'm not going to listen to it from you too!"
I winced.
He abruptly cupped my face, forcing me to look up at him, and his eyes were glittering with anger.
"I have waited my entire life for you to get here, Kenna, I'm not gonna let you leave me now," he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. "You're the girl I've been dreaming of since I could remember. You're not meant for Ashley, you're meant for me."
"But ---."
He didn't let me finish, but pressed his lips against mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth, claiming what he thought was his.
And how I wanted to be his.
For a moment, I let myself pretend it could be, kissing him back, my hands tightening in his shirt. His hand swept into my hair, anchoring itself there as he kissed me, his other hand slipping to my waist and beneath my shirt, skimming the skin of my hips.
I pulled my lips away with a gasp.
"Andy, no ---."
"Yes," he mumbled, pressing his lips against my throat, nibbling at the hickeys he'd already left.
"But I can't ---."
"Why not? What's stopping you?" he breathed, and I caught my breath as he pressed against me, his body meeting mine perfectly; my heart thumped painfully in my chest.
At the moment, I couldn't think of anything.
I tightened my grip on his shirt, trying to think desperately of a way out of this --- but my brain was a traitor, because my body wanted him so much I was already starting to ache.
"Andy, please stop," I begged; he was the only one who could stop this at this point, because my control was completely gone.
"Make me stop," he whispered, his breath hot in my ear. "If you don't want this so badly, make me stop."
It was like he knew my weakness.
"Andy."
"You want me too, Kenna," he murmured, and he tugged lightly on my jeans, pulling my waist against his. "I know you do. We're supposed to be together, I can feel it. I've felt lost for a long time, but when you came, it was like things started to come together," he pressed his face against my neck, "I finally started to feel at home."
He was making this personal.
"You don't care about me," I insisted, my heart in my throat. "You don't. You only think you do because you're enamored right now."
I'd let him touch me, and that was where all of this was coming from; he didn't know what he was saying.
I felt tears race to my eyes.
This must be my punishment for Falling. To be with whom I loved so desperately and hear him say all these things, only for it to be ripped away from me.
A tear fell down my cheek.
"Don't cry," Andy looked stricken as he noticed the tear stain. "Oh, God, please don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Just stop it," I wept openly. "Please. I c-can't do this. I can't."
"Why not? I don't understand, Kenna!"
I just sobbed, burying my face in my hands. I felt his arms wrap tightly around me, and he held me against him, murmuring soothing words as he tried to comfort me, but he was the source of my turmoil, and nothing he did could make it better.
He was so warm, and his scent was so comforting; I wrapped my arms around him, my fingers bunching in the material of his black vest as he rocked me, stroking my hair.
"Don't cry," he whispered, "I never meant to make you cry."
I shook my head, burying my face against his chest.
This had to be one of the worst punishments imaginable.
I pulled away from him, turning my face away.
I couldn't endure this much longer.
Andy cupped my face again, brushing away my salty tears.
"Kenna," I raised my eyes to his, seeing the deepness of the galaxy again, "I love you."
My eyes widened.
"N-no, you don't," my voice wavered.
I had messed up so badly.
I had ruined his mortal life.
What had I DONE?
Sleeping with him had been the biggest mistake I had ever made!
I jerked away from him, hitting the boxes behind me, desperate to get away.
He couldn't love me; he had to love someone else!
We couldn't be together in this world!
Or any world, I realized.
I had blown that chance completely.
I would never be allowed back to Heaven's gardens, no matter how true my Fallen intentions had been.
I should have just followed His orders and waited patiently above, though to my downfall I had never been patient.
I had ruined everything for myself, and now for Andiel.
I whimpered, covering my face as I sunk to my knees.
Oh god.
I sobbed, curling in on myself as everything started to crash.
"Kenna!" Andy fell to his knees in front of me, alarmed. "What's wrong? What is it?"
"I've ruined everything!" I wept. "Even for you! I'm so sorry, Andiel, I'm so sorry. I never meant --- I never meant for it to be this way. I'm so sorry."
Andy pulled me into his arms, rocking me, his grip tight.
"You've not ruined anything," he whispered, "I promise. Kenna, look at me!"
I shook my head, refusing; I couldn't stand the thought of looking at him and letting him see my shame.
"Kenali!" he ordered, his fingers firm on my skin as he forced my chin up. "Look at me!"
My eyes flashed open.
"You've ruined nothing," he told me fiercely, eyes glittering. "Do you understand me? I'll come back for you, I swear it. I won't leave you here by yourself."
"Andiel."
He nodded, his face serious as he stroked my hair.
"You Fell to keep me safe, to let me have this chance, and I won't let you suffer for it."
"Don't," I managed, clutching desperately at his shirt. "Don't, Andiel, don't come here. Don't. Nothing is worth this world."
"You are," he whispered, pulling my forehead against his. "You are worth this world and all of Hell, Kenali. You're heart is so pure. I love you," he stroked my cheek. "There is no doubt inside of me. I loved you before I came here... I would have become Fallen eventually."
I stared at him, searching his eyes.
"Why do you keep waking up?" I whispered, touching his face wonderingly. "You're not supposed to be able too. Or even dream of the past."
"I never forgot you," he murmured, kissing my fingers. "Even when I forgot the rest. I did dream of you. And being with you, it wakes me up, makes me feel like home is near."
"But it's not," I croaked. "I'll never be able to go home, and if you Fall, you won't either!"
"Home is wherever you are, my dear," he told me, pressing his lips against my nose.
I squeezed my eyes closed. "This can't be real."
"Do you feel this?" he tugged my hand against his chest. "Do you feel these human heart beats?"
I nodded.
"When these stop, wait for me," he whispered, kissing my cheek, nuzzling closer. "I will come for you, do you understand? Just wait for me."
"I would always wait for you."
I felt him smile against my skin, his breath warm and comforting.
"No matter what happens in this world, remember how I feel about you. As a human, I'm obnoxiously ignorant," he sighed. "It's almost pathetic how much they miss. They have no idea the gift they're given."
He loved me.
"I don't want you to have to go," I whispered after a moment. "I don't want you to sleep. I don't know how to handle ---."
"You're not ruining my human life, Kenali," he told me, leaning back to look into my eyes, "You're making it better. You make my pulse race, my heart beat strong --- you excite me. It's strange to feel such things like this," he mused, stroking my hair, "but you're the only one who has done that among all the beings I've come across here as a mortal."
I couldn't believe this; was I dreaming?
I caught his face, staring into his eyes, and then desperately pressed my lips against his, wanting to kiss HIM for once.
He kissed me back forcefully, pulling me completely against him, and I breathed in his scent, able to smell his angelic aura, the cool scent washing over my skin as he kissed me, his hands resting on my hips.
He turned, pressing my back against the dusty floor, his fingers gliding slowly over my skin.
"I don't have long left," he whispered, kissing me gently now. "Only a few more moments. Don't forget what I've said. And stay with Ashlandil, let him keep you safe; he loves you too, Kenali."
"No," I shook my head, "he doesn't. It's just ---."
"He loves you, Kenali," Andiel said again, his voice firm, and I hesitated. "He feels for you now what you feel for me. You've reminded him he does have a heart to use."
"But I never meant ---."
"It's not your fault," Andiel murmured, trailing his lips along my jaw, breathing in my scent deeply, as if he would never smell it again. "You're easy to love, my little rose."
I clung to him, more tears seeping from my eyes as I watched his consciousness drain away, the blue lightening immesenly as he returned to his human form.
Andy blinked down at me groggily. "What did I say?"
I stroked his hair, sighing.
I sat up, and slowly climbed to my feet, turning and helping him up as well, he staggering; his human body weakened instensly when his angelic side took over for any length of time.
"What happened? I feel..." he looked around in confusion. "Why are we up here?"
He didn't remember a thing.
I gazed at him sadly, but I couldn't make myself speak, and I turned away, heading for the stairs.
I heard him call after me, but I ignored him, hurrying down them so quickly I almost fell, and I stumbled as I reached the first floor, grabbing onto the wall for support.
Wait for me.
His words ran through my mind.
I would wait, Andiel. I would wait as long as I had too.
I heard a noise behind me, and I turned to glance back, but there was suddenly a searing pain in my head, and I shouted, falling hard to my knees, gripping my skull.
I could feel my blood sizzle as it met the air.
My vision blackened, and I looked up, seeing a flash of hair and teeth as pain suddenly blossomed in my ribs, and I hit the ground, gasping.
Everything went black.

Notes

"Home is wherever you are, my dear" --
that has to be my favorite line out of this chapter.
And yeah, I know, major feels, right?
But is it really fair to Ashlandil for her to be with him only to wait for Andiel?
And who attacked her at the end ;)
Keep your feels intact guys ~


And sorry about the lack of update, weekends are hectic for me, so I gave you an extra long chapter to tide you over.

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