My Fallen Angel

"Dance party, whoo!" Bryan threw his hands in the air as he tossed himself around the living room to the beat of the music coming through the TV speakers. He danced around in circles, narrowly missing the coffee table where it sat littered with plastic cups and what pizza boxes that weren't open on the kitchen counters.
I chuckled as I watched him, wiping the grease from my fingers as I leaned against the counter, feeling overly full.
CC was still eating, though where he was putting it was beyond me. He was watching Bryan dance around, while Jake and Jinxx sat upon the couch, their hands moving as they talked, the three of them relaxed and content. Andy had stepped outside a few minutes ago for a smoke break, but even he had seemed more.... at ease.
This was the first time I think they'd been so relaxed since I'd met them.
Probably because this was the first time since I'd been around that everyone wasn't fighting, that everyone was actually getting along and not at each others throats.
Namely Andrew and Ashlandil, but that was my fault.
I'd come to help, but I was afraid I'd made matters worse.
I felt Ashlan's hands slip around my waist, and I tilted my head back, giving him a weary smile.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, pressing his lips against my forehead briefly.
"I'm fine. A little tired."
"I'm not surprised," he chuckled, his fingers interlocking over my stomach. I leaned back against him, enjoying the warmth of his skin against mine. "It's been a big day for the two of you."
Two.
I nodded, my eyes flicking to the ultrasound photo placed crookedly on the fridge.
He was so excited now, excited to raise a child that wasn’t his.
But, I suppose, in every sense it would be his, just not by blood. He had contented himself to raise this child with me, provide for it, watch it grow up and then watch it die. He was in every word going to be its father, and I didn’t doubt he would do his best to be a good one.
I felt that warmth for him swell in my chest, and I turned in his arms, biting my lip as I looked up at him, his soft red eyes meeting mine.
Oh, Ashlandil.
He really was sacrificing everything for me.
When he was devoted, he really gave it his all.
"What?" He asked, and I flushed as I realized I was just staring at him.
"Nothing," I said quickly, shrugging my shoulders as I linked my fingers behind his neck, still gazing up at him, my head tilted slightly. "I'm just thinking of all the reasons I care for you."
His face lit up at my words, and a slow smile spread across his soft lips, as if my admittance had just made everything more exceptional for him.
"You already know why I love you," he chuckled, tucking a curl behind my ear. "You're perfect. there's nothing I can think of that I don't love about you. Except when you throw things at me."
"It's not as though you don't deserve it," I teased, and then lifted on my toes, pressing my lips against his; I liked being affectionate towards him, and not just because of my sin. I knew it made him feel better when I was, and I wanted him to feel good, feel uplifted.
I didn’t want him sad or upset anymore.
He sighed, only pulling away from me when Bryan made a comment that we should probably get a room.
I grinned as I leaned back on my heels, and I heard CC laugh.
"It wouldn't make a difference, man, you can hear them regardless."
"Okay, so I didn’t need to know that," Bryan flushed.
We both grinned.
"Man, what's taking Andy so long out there?" CC suddenly asked, sprawling out of the arm chair, long legs stretched in front of him. "Is he finishing off his pack?"
He had been gone an awfully long time.
"I'll check on him," I offered after a moment, leaning away from the counter. "See if he got lost or something."
Ashlandils eyes shot to my face, his body telling me he had suddenly grown wary.
I know, I didn’t really want to be around Andy, either. But I figured it would be quickest if I went, found him and brought him back, so that the entire band could be relaxing together and happy. I didn’t want anything to ruin their happy moment they were sharing.
"Are you sure?" Ashlan murmured, his voice so soft none of the others could hear. "The last time you were alone with him ----."
"I'll be fine," I told him, squeezing his hand as I stepped away from him. "I'll be back in a few moments."
The last time I'd been alone with Andy, he'd basically forced himself on me thanks to Cronus, which wasn’t something I was understanding.
Cronus had took off as soon as we'd all gotten off the plane, bidding us farewell and good luck. He hadn't stuck around, but I hadn't expected him too. I wasn’t sure if he knew that I knew what he did to Geneva, he had never made any inclination he had and I hadn't either.
I'd just stayed as far away from him as I could manage.
I quickly stepped to the door and outside, my senses expanding immediately. I started for the stairwell, hearing Andy's voice, though muffled and indiscernible.
Who was he talking too?
I hesitated as I opened the door, and glanced down, seeing he was at the bottom, three stories below.
"Andy?" I called, and his head lifted, eyes roving up to mine. "Are you okay? You've been gone a while."
"Oh... yeah, I'm good. Smoke break," he shrugged, turning towards the steps. I saw his phone in his hand, so had he been on a call?
I wasn’t sure.
I waited patiently for him to finally reach the top of the stairs, giving me an absent smile as he walked towards me, smelling strongly of cigarettes and cologne.
"It's been twenty minutes, the others were starting to wonder," I explained, trailing behind him as we walked down the carpeted hallway to Ashlandils apartment, the only door on that side of the building. There was a door opposite his, some neighbor I had never met and he had never mentioned. He wasn’t that friendly, so I guessed that the other residents respected his want for privacy.
Or just didn’t like him because he was cranky.
My steps faltered as Andy suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway, his shoulders tensing before he whirled around to face me, eyes blazing a deep intense of blue I had never seen before. His nostrils even flared.
I stared at him, feeling the hair on my skin start to rise.
Why did I suddenly feel threatened?
"Andy?" I stared at him, uncertain. What was wrong? Why was he looking at me so angrily?
Had I done something?
I didn’t think so.
The evening had been going smoothly!
"Andy?" I demanded, frowning at him when he didn’t answer, just stood there, hands clenched at his sides. "What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?"
He frowned, and looked down a moment, a muscle in his jaw ticking. He flexed his hands before he looked back at me, burning eyes meeting mine.
"How can you let Ashley announce you're having a baby with him? When it's not even his?"
"But it is ---."
"Stop lying to me, Kenna. I'm fucking sick of it. it's mine and we both know it." He snapped, his hand cutting sharply through the air and making me jump.
What the hell?
Where had this come from?
Of course it was his, but it couldn't be... no.
"I'm --- what does it matter, Andy?" I sighed, brushing my hair out of my eyes in frustration. "It's Ashley's. End of discussion. I don't know why you want to keep bringing this up."
His brows furrowed. "When did I bring it up before?"
Oh, oops.
I crossed my arms unhappily, unsure how to even respond.
"Why don’t we go back inside?" I suggested, my eyes darting to the door. "The others are waiting---."
"No, we're not going back inside. We need to talk about this. I can't fucking let Ashley claim my baby, Kenna. It's just not going to work like that. it's not what I want and its' not right."
Not what he wants.... that again.
I scowled at him.
"It doesn't matter, Andy. You made it perfectly clear to me that you didn’t want me. Why should I assume you want anything to do with me now?"
"Because!"
"Because why?" I challenged, clenching my hands. "Because you feel guilty? Because you think you care? Well, you don't! We had a nice run, the sex was great," I waved my hand dismissively, trying to pretend my heart wasn’t trying to jump into my throat at every biting word, "but its over, its done. You made sure of that. So just --- just drop it already! I'm with Ashley now, this is OUR child, and that's how it's going to be!"
I think I was yelling at him now.
No, I was yelling at him, and I'd never done that before. We had never talked about how our relationship had ended, never cleared the air.
It had just ended between us.
But I wasn't in the mood for this, this wasn’t the time to argue about it, and I didn’t have it in me to have an all out fight with him.
Not anymore.
I didn’t see a point.
"But it's not fucking his!" He bellowed, taking a step toward me, his hands flinging into the air. "He couldn't get you pregnant, we both know that!"
"Wh--- how --- why would you say that!?"
"Because if he could, it would have happened long before me," he snarled, now barely two steps away from me, and I could feel how unnaturally angry he was from where I stood. It was like the hot, molten rage was in the air around him, radiating from his chest. I could feel it against my skin, making it crawl with an awful sensation.
"He would have gotten you pregnant on purpose as soon as he realized he was in love with you ---- just so he could trap you to him! Don't you see that? So you can't tell me that its his. I fucking know its not. Why won't you let me own up to my mistake?"
Mistake.
Mistake!?
"Because It's not a mistake, Andy!" I hissed, bristling. "It's a baby! It's a living, breathing being! Not a mistake --- not something you can just erase or, or 'own up too'! This isn't even about that! It's about, about ---," I started to flounder. What was it about?
I wasn't even sure.
"You don’t even want it," Andy stared at me, his brows furrowing. "You and Ashley, neither of you wanted it. I could tell it, we all could. But you never would have talked to me about it, would you? If Ashley hadn't known, you wouldn’t have told any of us. You would have just gotten rid of it, wouldn’t you? Or disappeared again?"
"No! Of course not, I ---."
"You weren't going to give me a choice in the fucking life of my own child, and you're still not!" He practically squawked at me, flailing his arms again in a manner that was starting to set me on edge; I didn’t understand why I felt so threatened by him all of a sudden, like I was in some kind of danger. He was a mortal, he couldn’t harm me, so I didn’t understand my body's hostile reaction.
Was it just overprotective because of the baby?
"You didn't want ---."
"Of fucking course I don’t want it!" I wished he'd stop yelling at me. "It's going to ruin everything! We're on tour all the time --- how can anyone expect to raise a kid when they're never around? Ash isn’t going to be around for you, either! And you can't come with us, not in your condition! You're the one who's gonna be stuck here raising a bastard child that no one even wanted!"
I hit him.
I didn’t think about it, the notion never entered my mind, it was like it was automatic.
My palm connected with his cheek, the sting immediate and painful to my own skin, so I know it had to hurt his. He jerked, having to take a step to the side at the force of it, a look of shock on his face.
Probably mirrored mine.
But how could he say that about our --- my baby?
How could he think it wasn’t wanted?
"I want this baby, Andy," I said softly, my hand lowering to my side. "Very much. I want to have it, and raise and it show it as much love as I can muster. It doesn't matter if I'm on my own doing it, if anyone else is there to help or not. I don’t expect you to have any interest or dealings in its life, I never asked that of you. I've never asked anything of you," I could feel the tears rising steadily to my eyes. "So you don't have to worry about your career being r-ruined or, or whatever! And even if Ashley isn't here all the time, he's already being the best he can to me, which is a lot more then I can say for you! This isn't his baby, but at least he's man enough to stand up for it, to want to take care of it and me!"
I was screaming at him, my voice high and tight and absolutely furious. I wasn't going to cry now, I was going to wrap my fingers around his neck and wring it so tightly he would never be able to sing again. I was furious at him for acting so selfish, for blatantly attacking me out of nowhere over this --- it was completely uncalled for!
The afternoon had been going so well, and he was ruining it!
"Do you seriously think I don't fucking care?" He shouted back at me, matching me tone for tone. "Are you fucking kidding me? How the hell could I not care about you? You're perfect --- perfect to look at, and you're sweet and genuine --- I care a lot about you! I just don’t think that having that baby is ---."
"Are you trying to get me to get rid of it?" I shrieked, losing every pretense of calmI had. "ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, ANDREW! How DARE you!"
"Don't how dare me, goddammit! It's not like I knocked you up on purpose! And it's mine, so I figure I get a say in how you deal with it!"
"YOU DON’T GET ANYTHING FROM ME!"
How could he want rid of it? How could he ask that of me? I didn’t understand, and I felt so hot, like my mind was literally bubbling and boiling ---- it was a baby! Our baby! And he wanted me to get rid of it? He didn’t even have to be in its life --- he didn’t have to be anything to it!
He could go to hell first!
For the first time, I think I hated him.
I hated him so much.
I had given up so much for him, Falling from grace and being tortured and suffering and having to live here for the rest of eternity.
I had given up so much for him, but I wouldn’t give this up.
I wouldn’t give up this life just to make him feel better.
I couldn’t.
I could feel it settle in my chest, a seething, dark feeling I had only ever associated with Seraphine, and even then it had never felt so strongly. And as I looked at him, I think he could see it. He could see how I felt, how much I absolutely despised him. It disgusted me to even look at him --- how could I love a being so selfish as he was?
Who wanted to get rid of a life just because it was inconvenient to him, when he had certainly enjoyed creating it?
How could he?
How COULD he?
My chest hurt so badly.
"Kenna ---."
"Don’t touch me," I jerked away from him as he reached for me, unable to stand the thought of his skin on mine. "Don’t you ever touch me again!"
"You're overreacting ---."
"I'm doing no such thing! You --- you disgust me!" I hissed, the words rolling off my tongue like flames. "You want rid of an innocent life so you can feel better about an --- no, no, Andy, just no! Go to hell first!"
"Kenna ---."
"I hate you!" I cried, feeling the tears abruptly returning to my eyes, spilling over my lashes and down my cheeks. "How could you make me hate you like this?"
"I ---!"
"I said don’t touch me!" I practically shrieked as he reached for me again, smacking his hand away from me when it tried to grab mine.
A furious look swept over his features, and he moved quickly, his hands suddenly clamping around my upper arms and whirling me again, slamming me so hard against the wall it actually knocked the breath out of me, causing me to gasp.
"You're going to listen to me!" He hissed down at me, his blue eyes so dark and burning they didn’t even look like his own anymore. "You're not going anywhere until we talk!"
"Let go of me!" His grip flexed on my arms, painful and biting to my skin through my sleeves, and I felt that threatened feeling sweep through me again, cold and frightening.
It settled in the pit of my stomach.
"Andy, stop ---."
"Shut the fuck up and listen to me!"
"No!" I tried to shove at him, my eyes flashing in panic to the apartment door ---- Ashlandil!
I needed him --- again!
I couldn’t handle Andy on my own, I wasn’t sure why he was so out of control --- or why I was so weak compared to him!
"Kenna ---."
"Get off of me!"
"Just listen ----."
"Youre hurting me!" I hissed, glaring up at me, able to see swirls of color start to glow against my skin as my temper raised my darkness. "Let go!"
I didn’t want to hurt him, but at this point, I wouldn’t mind.
He glowered down at me, and my eyes flicked to the door again, as if I could will Ashlandil to step out. I could hear the TV blaring, a little louder then it had been before, which meant he might not even be able to hear us arguing out here --- I would have thought one of them would want to come check on us, though!
I wasn’t even sure how long we'd been gone.
"Get rid of it!" Andy barked at me, shaking me slightly, cutting the circulation off his grip was so tight. "Don’t have the fucking thing!"
"No!"
"If you won't get rid of it, I will!" He snarled.
I froze.
It was like my entire body shut down.
All the heat in my veins suddenly went arctic, a cold, horrible feeling settling there instead.
"You would harm my baby?" I whispered, my eyes on his, not a muscle moving as I waited for his answer.
"If --- if I have too," he suddenly floundered, frowning, his grip starting to go lax on my arms. "I mean, I.... I..... no, I wouldn’t do that, I ----."
What was wrong with him?
"Let go, Andy," I said quietly, his grip loosening even more, an uncertain expression overcoming his sharp features. He took a step back from me, looking like I'd punched him.
He suddenly looked sick.
"Kenna, no, I --- I didn’t mean that," he gasped, clenching his hands. "I didn’t mean ---."
"Go fuck yourself, Andy!"
I hated him.
I hated him so much.
I had never felt it as strongly until now, and it was all I could do not to scream at him and curse him to hell where he belonged!
I should have let him Fall!
"Ke---!"
"Don’t talk to me!" I shrieked, flinging myself away from the wall abruptly, rushing for the door. "Leave me alone!"
"Goddammit, NO!"
His fingers curled around my arm, jerking me around so forcefully I staggered. I turned to look at him, furious, a biting remark rising to my lips ---- I would tell him exactly what I ---.
I yelped in pain, the sting to my face forcing me against the wall.
Shit!
I gasped, and sunk immediately to my knees, my hand rising to my face.
Did he just ---?
My arms curled around my middle immediately.
"Kenali?"
I heard something smash against the wall, and my head turned to look back at the apartment door.
The door was thrown open so hard I was surprised it stayed in tact, and Ashlandil stepped out, his eyes roving to us.
"KENALI!"
I pressed my hand over my mouth and nose, feeling blood start to drip.
he'd hit me really hard.
I wasn’t even sure he knew he had.
"Kenali --- what the fuck? Are you okay? Are ---?" Ashlandil sniffed, suddenly kneeling in front of me, his hands roving my body.
"Kenna? What happened?" I heard Jake demand, the rest of the guys suddenly stepping out into the hallway.
I started to weep worse.
I couldn’t keep it in.
"Did you --- did you fucking hit my girlfriend?" Ashlan suddenly bellowed, wrenching himself to his feet to face Andy.
Andy stood there, his face bloodless, his eyes the widest I had ever seen them, a startling light blue. His mouth was open, but no words were coming out, as if he was stunned himself at what had happened. He stared at us, looking back and forth, and just shook his head in disbelief.
"You fucking piece of shit!" Ashlandil shouted, and he lunged forward, his fist hitting the side of Andy's face so hard I heard something crack. I flinched as Andy staggered back, landing hard against the ground and sliding several feet.
"Ashlan, no!" I gasped, seeing him step forward, but Andy wasn't moving, he was unconscious, he couldn’t do any more! "Ashlandil!"
Ashlan growled, and his fists clenched before he turned to look down at me, and I could see the red of his eyes glowing demonically, the nubs growing out of the skin on his forehead.
And then it was like he deflated.
I saw the anger leave his body as his eyes centered in on my face, and I realized I'd removed my hand to reach for him.
"Oh, Kenali," he murmured, dropping to his knees beside me, his hands rising to cup my face, which was starting to ache now.
I felt his thumb brush the skin beneath my nose, and when he pulled away, it was stained red.
Red.
I was bleeding human blood.
The baby!
My hands went down to my stomach immediately, panicked.
"Guys, what the --- Kenna!" Jake was suddenly crouching beside us, and I winced as Ashlans thumb brushed my lip, making me aware it was busted. "God, did Andy --- did he---?"
"Goddammit," Ashlandil pulled me against him, forcing my face into the crook of his neck. "Its okay, Kenali. it's okay, you're safe. You're safe. You're okay," he whispered, rocking me back and forth as I wept against him, my body starting to tremble. "I got you, love. I got you."
"Jesus Christ!" I heard CC gasp. "What the fuck? So he's the one who's been ----?"
"Shh, shh," Ashlandil continued to rock me, rubbing soothing circles into my back, and I realized I was basically wailing against his shoulder like a child. I tried to control myself, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t make myself do anything, I couldn’t even move.
I just wanted to disappear.
I felt so devastated.
I loved him so much, how could he --- he ---?
"I think you broke his nose," I heard CC's anxious voice, a little farther away, probably checking on Andy. "Do we need to call 911? How bad is Kenna?"
"Kenali?" Ashlan whispered, forcing me to pull away from him. "Are you ---?"
"F-f-fine," I managed, moping at my eyes, and then running my sleeve against my lips and nose, trying to remove the drying red blood, my face feeling sore and eyes puffy. "N-no ---."
"I'll break his neck, "Ashlandil snarled as he looked at me. "I'll fucking destroy him for this!"
"It, it w-was-snn-t--t---" I couldn’t even speak.
"Get her inside," I heard Jinxx murmur. "Get her away from him, Bryan ---."
"Here."
"Help Jake and CC with Andy, okay? See if you can wake him up. Ash, let's get Kenna inside, okay?" Jinxx sounded so practical, his voice calm and soothing, and we both kind of looked at him, netiher of us moving.
"Up," he cooed, gently letting his fingers touch my back. "Can you stand?"
I had absolutely no idea.
Ashlan scowled, and then he was rising from his knees slightly. He pulled me against his chest, and his arm swept beneath my legs as he stood, holding me tightly against his chest, my blood smearing across the white collar of his once nice shirt.
I ruined everything.
Did Andiel truly not want this child?
Did he hate me for conceiving?
It hadnt been on purpose!
I'd never meant for this to happen!
I never ---.

Notes

*leaves this here and walks away*





(Psst, also, i started up a blog on tumblr called writingismyhappytime where I do imagines, BVB, MIW --- Supernatural, just a little bit of everything! I have one Andy imagine up so far called Handprints (very dark), and I would love it if you guys could check it out ^^)