Leaving Hope To Bleed *May Be Triggering to Some*

I jolt upright in bed, gasping loudly, making my lungs ache even more. I grip the sheets, refraining from screaming. A bead of sweat rolls down my face as I continue to pant. It was a dream, but it felt so real! After a minute I slowly start to calm down, my breathing gradually going back down. I look around, my dad is passed out in the visitor's chair and Jacob is no where to be seen. So much for being here when I wake up. I lay back down, shutting my eyes tightly.

Without warning the tears flood from my eyes and I sob loudly. The images wont stop flowing through my mind. His grip on my wrists wont leave, the heart wrenching sobs that came from Amber are still loud in my ears. It's all my fault, everything. It all could have been prevented if I would have just been smart. I had to be stupid, I wasn't thinking, I never do. It's all my fault! I failed, I failed her and I failed me. I am a failure, a worthless failure. I've failed my friends, my father and my mother. My mom has been waiting for me, waiting to take me with her, and I'm keeping her here. She needs to leave and be happy, but even I'm stopping her from doing that. I can't do anything right.

I curl up on my side, making every bone in my body scream in pain. The tears drip from my face, soaking the pillow. After minutes and minutes the tears slowly start to subside. I sniffle, pulling the sheet further up on me. I feel so broken, so empty. My heart is aching so bad I'm having chest pains. I feel so exhausted, so tired. My eyes slowly droop and I fall into a restless sleep.

I open my eyes, the familiar beeping filling my ears. I've heard it so much that I've gotten used to the sound of my heartbeat on a monitor. But I don't need the monitor to hear how much my heart is aching, I can feel it. It feels so heavy in my chest, I just wish it could stop beating. I deserve to die, a slow and painful death. I don't deserve to live, not after what I let happen to Amber. I hear footsteps and glance up. Andy comes in and sits down. "Who are you?" My dad asks. Andy glances at me before answering him. "I'm a friend of hers, I'm one of the ones who found her." My dad looks at me. I glance at Andy, then back at my dad. I nod, "Hey dad. Can we talk, for just a minute." He nods. "Sure sweetie."

I try to smile, but I can't. All I feel is rage, he shouldn't be here. It's all his fault, if he would have never brought Andy to my house, none of this would have ever happened. My dad leaves the room, shutting the door. "Get out." I growl to Andy. "Summer...I..." "Andy, I said get out!" Tears well up in my eyes. "I just came to see how you was doing." He says.

"How do you think Andy? I was beat, I was raped, and I was almost killed! How do you think I'm doing? And not only me, but my best friend also, and I could do nothing to stop it. And why did that happen? Because you brought Ashley to my house. You thought it'd be fun to bring him there, make me get drunk, burn me with cigarettes, try to rape me? Did you enjoy the show? Do you enjoy knowing that I'm hurting to the fullest extent, to the extent of wanting death? Is this what you was aiming for? Because that is now what you have. You didn't come here to see how I was doing because you cared, you came here because you just want to see how hurt I am. Well now you know, so you can leave. I don't want you here, and I never want to see you again."

My tears are not of hurt, they are of rage. Rage that I've had for so long, rage that I've wanted to let go. An anger that was planted with my mother's death and has rooted from Andy and his friend's abuse. These branches have grown so long, have became so thick over the years, but now, now this tree has burst into flames. I will no longer take anything from them, I will no longer feel any kind of pain because of them. They can no longer hurt me, I will not let them.

"Summer, that was never my intention. I never wanted him to go that far, How was I supposed to know he was going to do that? I may be mean to you every once in a while but never would I do something like that."

"Yeah? What about the day in the bathroom? The day y'all ganged up on me, The day you knocked me out by kicking in my face. Did I do something? Was I just extremely ugly that day? Hmm? Did I provoke you and your friends?" He shakes his head and rubs his temples. "No, that morning, I was just...I was just really frustrated and I took it out on you. I'm sorry." Saying sorry will not make me forgive him, I will never forgive him. "Imagine....imagine that was your sister. What if your sister was in my position. In just one week, was beat and then beat again and then raped. What would you do?"

His eyes grow dark, he snarls loudly. "Don't you fucking dare bitch!" He growls stepping closer. "Don't bring her into this." "But what if that did happen to her?" "I'd fucking kill them. They would die a slow and horrible death, I would show no mercy." His eyes look like ones of a rabid animal.

"Then that..." My voice drops to a whisper. "Is what shall happen to anyone who has ever done me wrong. And I wont stop, until that happens." They, have created a moneter, that they might not be able to stop.

Notes

Ok, I can't even begin to say how sorry I am. I know that I haven't updated in 22 days. I'm scared to tell y'all why, but I owe y'all an explanation

Warning: This might be triggering to some

The reason I was gone so long is because, I had a relapse and my anorexia got the best of me. I had been stable for almost four months but I don't know what happened. It wasn't too bad for a while but, I started dropping weight again. My period had stopped, my hair was starting to fall out and I was feeling so weak. The day after the last time I updated, I fainted. That was the day I was admitted to a hospital. I'm still here, I do not like it, but I know it's what's best for me. I'm not saying this to get pity, or attention. But I want every one to know, if you ever, feel not good enough, or feel bad about your self, talk to me. I've been through a lot and I know how it feels. If you ever self harm, and this includes: Cutting yourself, burning yourself, starving yourself, making yourself throw up, or hurting yourself intentionally in any way, talk to someone. And if you feel you have no one to talk to, talk to me. I love all of y'all, I may not know you, but either way, we are in Black Veil Brides Army, which makes us family. Please don't let this make you think any less of me as a writer. I know that some day I will fully recover, but right now, I'm am trying. Please, love yourself and who you are, no matter what anybody says.