The Broken One

The first thing I hear when I start to wake up is the dreadful beeping, droning on and on. Am I dead? Heaven shouldn’t sound like this should it?
I struggle to open my heavy lidded eyes and instantly regret doing so, the bright white lights above me are blinding. I shut them tight again, trying to think of where I am. After a few seconds I realize I must be in a hospital.
I open my eyes again, trying to adjust to the light. Since I'm in an upright position, I can see around the room and see that my guess was right, I am in the hospital. I look toward the window and see Andy standing there, looking out at the night sky. His back is turned to me so he doesn’t know yet that I'm awake.
I know I should let him know I'm awake but I'm scared that he’ll be mad at me for what I did. Andy suddenly turns around and walks back over to the chair. He glances at me for a second before looking away, not expecting me to be awake. He snaps his attention back to me, his eyes going wide when he realizes I am.
“Oh my god, your awake”
He says, sounding quite relieved. He comes over and sits down beside me on the bed. He leans down and hugs me tight.
“God, Cynthia you scared me so much, I don’t want to lose you, sweetheart”
He murmurs against my hair. My eyes fill with tears as a wave of guilt pulsates through me. I never meant to hurt him. I start to cry, my shoulders shaking. Andy feels this and holds me tighter, gently rubbing circles into my back.
“I'm sorry”
I sob against his chest as he tries to comfort me.
“Shhhh, shhh”
He hushes me as he rocks me slowly back and forth. He kisses my shoulder softly as I cling to him like a small child would a parent.
Eventually my sobs turn to quiet tears and my tears turn to sniffs.
Andy takes me by the shoulders and sits me back up so he can see me. I stare at his shoulder, too guilty and embarrassed to look him in the eye. He studies me for a minute before a nurse walks in.
“She's finally awake!”
The nurse says cheerily, smiling and walking towards us. She comes over and checks my vitals.
“Everything is looking fine. Do you feel ok? Is anything hurting?”
She asks me. I shake my head, afraid that if I talk then I’ll burst into tears again.
“That’s good. Let me send someone in who would like to talk to you”
She says to me before turning to leave.
A few minutes later a middle-aged women comes in. She’s short, probably only about 5’2 and is wearing a fuzzy purple sweater. Her short brown hair is messy and she isn’t wearing any makeup. She seems like a person that I can feel comfortable around.
“Hello, Cynthia. I'm Kelly Henderson . I'm a physiatrist here.”
She says as she pulls a chair over to the side of my bed. Andy is on the other side of me also sitting in a chair.
“I just have a few questions to ask you and then I will need to talk to you, Andy”
She says to me and then moving her gaze over to Andy. Neither me or Andy say anything so she continues.
“So, Cynthia, would you say this was a suicide attempt?”
She asks, gesturing to my bandaged up arms. I hesitate before nodding slowly.
“That’s a good sign that you admit to that, a lot of people deny it. OK, my second question, how do you feel about the attempt failing, do you still wish it had worked?”
She asks, her voice calm and caring.
“Yes”
I whisper, tears filling my eyes again. Mrs. Henderson pats my hand when she notices them.
“It’s ok, I just have a few more questions to ask you darling. I know that you have been cutting for a while now, do you feel like that’s the only thing you can do to make things better?”
She asks.
“Sometimes”
I say quietly.
“OK, last question and then I’ll leave you alone for a little while. If you had the chance, would you attempt suicide again?”
I think about it for a minute and then nod. Mrs. Henderson gives me and sad look before standing up.
“Ok, Andy would you please join me in the hallway, there’s some things we need to talk about”
She says. Andy nods and stands up. I watch as they both leave the room.

Notes

ITS ALMOST FRIDAY :D
I hope everyone liked this chapter.

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~becca