My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov (one month later):

I groaned as the hangover I had for the past month hit me forcefully. I opened my eyes and I saw Ashley sleeping with an arm around me and I carelessly pushed it away.

I was tired of this! For the past month that's all we did. Ashley would get drunk first thing in the morning. He wasn't talking to me, he wasn't fighting with me and the only times when he would touch me was when we were too drunk to notice it. Ashley was a wreck. Since Colleen's miscarriage he looked like he just turned of his emotions. He wasn't talking to anyone.

After Warped started, he became even more depressed. He would be the last to walk on stage and the first to get out. Somehow, I ended up doing the same thing. Colleen got better and she wanted to go back to Seattle. I refused angrily and I told her that just because she lost the child doesn't mean she's not my friend anymore. She looked at me thankfully in that moment and I was relieved that she wasn't in a depression after the miscarriage.

Ashley was right, she was kinda happy that it happened, even though I knew that the experience left a mark on her. Colleen decided not to come with us at Warped and I agreed on one condition: when I'll get back I wanted her to have another dress collection ready. She accepted laughing and I handed her my house keys. She promised that she will take care of Jack and I knew that she was safe with Chase.

I was a mess. I could barely eat and all my body craved was alcohol. I lost almost 7 kg in the past month and everyone worried. I didn't care and it seemed like neither did Ashley. What hurt me the most was the silence. It seemed like we lost everything we ever had. We weren't even fighting with each other like we used to. The only words spoken between us were 'where's the whiskey?' and 'we need more whiskey'.

Everyone actually left us. Risen Demons had now their own bus but only Ashley and I lived in it. Everyone else moved to the BVB one because they claimed it was depressing to stay around us. I couldn't blame them. After two weeks of trying to get Ashley to talk to me, I gave up. I was tired of trying. I shut myself just the way he did. Now, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't wanna see him. I didn't wanna be around him but it was useless. I knew that Colleen's miscarriage affected him. But his behavior affected me.

Every time I saw him wasted it made me wanna do the same thing. And I did. I wasn't drinking coffee in the morning anymore. I wasn't drinking water anymore. I was in the point where I could swear that whiskey was running through my veins. I wanted to feel nothing. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Somehow, Ashley and I always ended up in the same room but this time it was painful. It hurt me to be near him.

John yelled at me a few days ago and lectured me about it. Tired of burying my feelings, I lashed out at him.

"As long as I still can get on that damn stage and as long as the fans keep screaming my name, don't you fucking dare to tell me what to do! I'm still doing it right! I can still get up there and pretend that my fucked up life it's all sunshine and rainbows! Mind your own damn business and leave me the fuck alone, John!"

He sighed and left shocked by my outburst. I didn't care in that moment. I didn't want anyone near me. So I ignored everyone. I couldn't even feel bad about it. Jinxx and Jake were deeply disappointed by my behavior. CC and Andy were pissed that I refused to talk and Ryan, Troy and Kaylie knew that I just needed time.

However, I got a lot of help from Chris. I didn't expect him to be so kind. He took me out to dinner one night and made me talk about it. I ended up telling him everything while I was staining his shirt. He comforted me and he told me that he was sure that Ashley will snap out of it soon. I desperately wanted to believe him but my own mind didn't let me.

Everything was falling apart. My relationship with my friends was almost destroyed. My engagement with Ashley was gone. I knew my inspiration was gone too when I realized that I couldn't even write what I was feeling. The fans didn't make me as happy as they used to. Hearing their screams wasn't giving me goosebumps anymore. But I still faked it. I still pretend that I was okay even though I expected my career to end any day.

I knew I had to snap out of it but I didn't know if I was strong enough. Ashley stiffened as soon as I left the bunk and I walked towards the coffee maker. I tasted the warm liquid for the first time in a month and it tasted weirdly so I threw it in the sink. I grabbed the whiskey bottle and I took a gulp, feeling ready for what I was about to do.

Ashley limped towards me with dark circles under his eyes and he took the bottle from my hands. He was already drunk from last night and now he was back at it again. He swallowed two gulps and handed me back the bottle as he mumbled 'morning' and turn on his heels, heading for the shower.

"This is not working anymore." I said and he stopped.

"What?" Ashley answered confused.

"This! I can't do this anymore!" I said and I placed my engagement ring on the counter.

"You're breaking up with me?" He asked staring at the ring.

My heart cringed when I realized what I was doing. I was... I was breaking up with him. After all the shit that this fucked up relationship has been through, this is what it ended?! The silence?! Not the fights, not the cheating, not the kids that we almost had with other persons but the silence?!

"Look at us, Ashley. We've lost everything. We're empty. There's nothing left between us." I whispered and I felt the tears burning my eyes.

He met my gaze and for the first time in one month I saw a feeling. I saw that his eyes were filled with pleading and regret.

"You're leaving me..." He whispered looking down.

"I don't want to. But I just can't keep destroying my life like this!"

"Don't do this, Nikki. Don't leave me like that. I just need some time." He said sadly.

"It's been a month, Ashley!"

"Then I need more time! Why are you doing this to me?" He asked raising his voice.

"Maybe I'll knock some sense into you! You're not doing anything to snap out of it! You keep drinking and you look like crap!" I yelled, suddenly feeling angry.

"Don't give me this shit, Nikki! You're doing the same thing! Did you even looked in the mirror?! You look like a fucking dead woman walking!" He yelled back.

"But I wanna get better!"

"Nikki-"

"No, shut up!" I screamed pissed. "This is not you. All you do is shut yourself from everyone, even from me and I'm fucking tired of it. You're not talking to me, you're not screaming at me, you don't even touch me, you son of a bitch! And you dare to accuse me that I'm leaving you?!"

"Nikki, shut up right now!" He screamed warningly.

"I'm tired of it! You're too weak to admit it! You still have your fucking feelings buried under all the Jack you drank this month! But you're just to coward to let it out!"

What happened next sent me into shock. My body flew to my left and I landed on my knees and hands, feeling a burn on my right cheek.

Ashley just slapped me!

Notes

Hate me!!!

I love you! Xxxxx