My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov (one month later):

I groaned when the sun shined on my face. I turned in the other side of the bed and checked my clock. It was already 6 pm. I did a mental math and I realized I slept almost 13 hours. I sighed as I got out of the bed and stumbled through the empty bottles of alcohol that were sprawled all over my bedroom floor.

I headed for the shower and turned on the cold water. I shivered as it hit me and I clenched my teeth. I was completely awake as I was drying my body and heard voices downstairs. I looked in the mirror and watched at the disgusting image of myself. My left arm was almost healed. I wanted to keep my promise and I stopped cutting. But I looked awful. I couldn't eat properly and I lost in weight most 8 kg. I was always skinny but now I looked like a skeleton. My face was white and my eyes were shallow. I was a shadow of what I used to be.

Everything I did for the past week was write, get drunk and sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. I was a complete wreck, emotionally and physically. Kaylie, Andy and I returned to my house after the tour ended. Jake went in England to see Ella, Jinxx, CC, and Troy returned to Los Angeles, while Ryan was in Chicago to see his parents, who moved there.

Ashley also returned back to LA. He said that he needed a week to finish his new clothing line and that after that he will come back to San Francisco, at my house. That didn't happen. In the first week since I got back home, we talked everyday on the phone and skyped with each other. I was still feeling like shit, but at least we were talking. Until that stopped too. It's been a week since the last time I talked to him.

He wasn't returning my calls and my texts and no one knew anything about him, or they didn't tell me. However, his activity on Twitter remained unchanged. I realized that he moved on and that he forgot about me. Other than that, I can't explain why he didn't send me a damn text to tell me at least that he was alive.

My suicide thoughts were haunting my mind every day. However, I felt to weak to do it. That's why I got drunk every night for the past week. To fall asleep before even thinking about death. I was struggling with myself and I knew that my sanity was on the edge. I was broken. Everything was gone.

The only thing that made me smile sometimes, was Kaylie and Andy's growing love. At least, someone was happy in this house. They went out public last week. I was surprised how many fans were actually happy for them. The hate was almost zero! The fans weren't hating Kaylie as much as they hated Juliet. They loved her actually. I was happy knowing that at least, they managed to sort things out, something that me and Ashley will never get the chance to do.

I decided. This was my last day. Things were okay now. Everyone was happy, more or less. The tour was over and the fans were pleased. Ashley was history. He didn't love me anymore, he didn't even remembered me. I was thinking cold, I know, but I had no tears left to cry and no more pain to feel. I was just numb. I sighed as I got out of the shower and got changed in some pjs since I wasn't going anywhere. I walked downstairs and I found Kaylie and Andy, watching cartoons. I laughed and they turned their attention to me grinning. What the hell was going on?!

"Why are you two look at me like that?" I asked cautiously.

"Are you going anywhere tonight?" Kaylie asked as she stood up.

"No, why?" I asked confused.

"Just asking. Can you give me the keys to the Corvette? I need to do the groceries." She said smiling.

"No way-" I stopped before unleashing a chain of profanities at her for wanting to take my baby. What the fuck?! I'm gonna die anyway!

"You know what? Take it! You can have it for good!" I said giving her the keys.

She was shocked and I had to lift her jaw up. I gave her a big smile as she shakily grabbed the keys.

"Nikki, are you okay?" Andy asked concerned.

"Yep! She loves that car and I'm bored of it anyway." I said taking another bottle of Jack from the bar.

Just as I managed to grab the bottle, I was tackled. Kaylie was hugging the living shit out of me and I couldn't breathe.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love you, love you, love you!!!!" She screamed ecstatic.

"Jesus, Kaylie! You're suffocating me!" I said as I felt my eyes popping out of my sockets.

"I'm sorry! I'm going to the store! Be back soon! Bye! Oh my God! She gave me the Corvette!!!" She screamed in her way out, completely ignoring me and Andy, who looked scared shitless.

"I've seen her pissed but I think this is the last time when I wanna see her happy!" Andy said terrified.

"She's gonna be like this for at least a week!" I said and I realized that I was lying.

Kaylie will be crying in the next few hours. She will cry over my dead body along with Andy. I shook my thoughts away as I drank a few gulps of whiskey.

"Did you talk to Ashley?" I asked him.

"No, he's still not answering." Andy said and looked away.

In that moment, I knew that he was hiding something from me but I didn't insist. I shrugged and I smiled bitterly. Guess that's it with the 'I love you more than I can ever scream'....

"I'm gonna take a bath." I said and I started to climb the stairs, with the Jack in my right hand.

"Nikki? Are you okay?" He asked worried.

I took one last glance at him. His dark hair, his pale face, his beautiful blue eyes, his lip ring... I remembered everything that we've been through... The good and the bad. How he was always there for me. How he refused to leave me, even if I asked him to. How broken he was when he broke up with me. I remembered that we conceived a child from our untold love. A child that I lost saving the man I love...

"Yeah, Andy, I'm fine. I'm just not in my best mood." I lied simply.

"Okay. Try to calm down." He said as he smiled at me once again.

"I will." I whispered and I entered my room.

I took my phone and my earbuds, the bottle of whiskey and some pills that had almost the same effect as ecstasy. I got inside the bathroom and I filled half of my tub with warm water. I stripped of my clothes and I placed the bottle on a shelf after I swallowed 4 pills.

I plugged in my earbuds and I hit play on We Stitch These Wounds album. I played first Perfect Weapon, remembering how I first found out about Black Veil Brides. I smiled as I pulled out a razor from my phone case. Carolyn started playing and I lost my courage for a second. I stepped inside the tub and sat on the edge, only with my feet in the water.

The pills started to mess with my head as I looked around and everything was blurry. I took the razor with my left hand and for the first time, I cut my right arm. A thick line of blood formed as I drew the first cut. Sweet Blasphemy followed next and tears started to fall from my eyes as I drew another cut.

"When darkness is all you see, This is our sweet blasphemy..." I sang softly as I drew 3 more cuts, watching the drops of blood falling into the water.

When Knives and Pens began, I quickly skipped it because I would've stopped in that moment and I didn't want to. I hit play on Heaven's calling and I thought how true it was that song in this moment. I'll sleep forever, I thought as I kept cutting myself until I reached my palm.

The water in the tub was turning pink as the blood was falling from my wounds. I was starting to feel even more dizzy as I took a break and drank a few more gulps of whiskey. Beautiful Remains started playing and more tears left my eyes as I drew the first line on my left arm.

"Gently rest your weary head,
What you lived for now is dead...
Goodnight, goodbye... A soul surrender ...
This love will set you free, from thoughts of the yesterday.. Now, death has come to claim your beautiful remains..." I sang as I reached to the half of my arm.

We stitch these wounds started next and my heart crashed in my chest as I started to sing every single lyric while I was angrily cutting what was left untouched from my arm.

"The tears we've cried, this love has died..." My voice cracked and I remembered everything Ashley and I have been through.

We cheated each other, we fought, we screamed, we hurt and we loved each other. And still, we reached an end. I remembered those days when Kaylie dreamt about marrying Andy and I dreamt about marrying Ashley.

How silly... Who could've imagined that I will fall so hard for him? Who could've imagined that I will take my life because I felt worthless without him?

I sighed as I remembered the first time when I told him that I love him. I smiled, thinking about how fool I was for ever thinking that it will work out between us. In this moment, the only thing I wished for was that he wouldn't forget me. That I will always be there, in a back corner of his mind.

"It's what we hide with every lie, and stitch these wounds with me tonight..."

I felt my body becoming limp. My eyes were closing as I saw that the water was a light red now. I took one last gulp of whiskey and some tears kept falling from my eyes as I still hummed that song. I dropped the razor on the bathroom floor just as it reached the end.

"Liar! Liar! Liar, say goodbye!" I mumbled before I felt myself falling.

Notes

Okay! My eyes are swollen as fuck right now and I can't even think properly!

the next chapter will be even worse than this one.... I'm really sorry, but for some reason, I'm drowning my emotions in this story...

tell me me what you think... Love yaaaa