My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

I felt hot and I tried to get away from the strong arm that was around me. I rolled on the other side and unfortunately, I ended up on the floor with a thud.

"Care to tell me what the fuck are you doing on the floor?" Ashley's sleepy voice groaned.

"What it looks like I'm doing?" I groaned, holding my forehead.

"Hunting elephants?"

"Very funny, dickhead." I laughed as I stood up.

Ashley was on his right side, smiling at me widely. Events of last night replayed in my head as he reached for my right hand and pulled me back into the bed. We made love countless times last night and we fell asleep in each other's arms after we watched the sunrise.

I was happy and I was feeling that my heart would burst any minute. He kissed the top of my head and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I felt him inhaling deeply and I chuckled.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Can you believe that I missed even your fucking scent?" He asked grinning.

"Am I that addictive?" I said playfully.

"You have no idea." He answered and pecked my lips.

I heard the front door of the bus opening and someone got inside.

"Nikki? Ashley?" I heard CC and Jake calling for us.

"Pretend you're asleep." Ashley said and pulled the blanket over us.

"Why?"

"They're gonna yell in happiness and my head still hurts." He said pouting.

"But you didn't got drunk last night." I said confused.

"My head is fucked up. It doesn't need a reason to torture me."

"Then stay here. I need a coffee."

"Hmmph! I hate you!" He said as he covered his face with the blanket.

I laughed as I heard Jinxx calling our names and I stood up. Ashley gave me a questioning look as I exited my bunk after I got dressed in a red bra and matching underwear, a white hoodie and some black shorts.

"Oh, hey Nikki!" Andy said awkwardly as soon as I got out.

"Morning Andy!" I said and I noticed a love bite on his neck. "Tell Kaylie not to bite so hard the next time."

"I-" he said blushing a crimson red.

"You had a great night, I know!" I said winking.

He gave me a shy smile as I headed to the coffee maker. Jake and Jinxx looked at me weirdly and CC grinned.

"Did you finally had good sex?" He asked and I stared at him dumfounded, sipping my coffee.

"What?"

"You always seemed pissed after you walked the guys out." Andy explained.

"So we figured out that you weren't pleased by their performance." Jake joined.

"Guys!! She's not walking any guy out!" Jinxx yelled happy.

"That's because there wasn't any guy. It was me!" Ashley said as he was lipping towards me.

He kissed my temple and he poured himself a cup of coffee, smiling pleased at its taste.

"Are you guys back together?" CC asked and I blushed.

"No." Ashley answered simply.

I almost dropped the cup on the floor when I heard his words. We... We weren't back together? Than what the fuck last night meant to him?!! Was he too bored to pick a slut and he decided to have me?!

"Why not?" Jake asked surprised.

"We're taking things slowly." He answered shrugging.

I felt sick. He was back at 'this is all my fault' thing. He still blamed himself and doubted my feelings. I noticed that he was now, a few feet away from me. He kept his distance and I didn't like it. One time!!! One time in my life I wished that he would be the heartless, selfish dickhead that doesn't care about anything, except his desires!! But noooo, he was now the selfless son of a bitch who was afraid to fucking kiss me because he thought that he might hurt me!!

"Well, that's good. Maybe we can finally be in the same room with you two without being scared that something might hit us." Jinxx commented.

"Nothing flew in your direction, Daddy Jinxx!" I said playfully.

"Not yet." He grinned.

We laughed and the guys said that they just wanted to check on us. They left back to the hotel to grab their stuff and then we will head to Arizona. Once Ashley and I were alone, I glared at him.

"What?" He asked confused.

"What are we, Ashley?" I spat pissed, pouring myself a glass of whiskey.

"Nikki, don't go there. I don't have any idea." He said as he took the bottle from my hands, drinking straight from it.

"What was last night to you?"

"Torture!" He yelled.

"What?!" I asked shocked.

"It was torture! I almost flipped every time I saw your arm. I felt desperate, trying not to touch it and hurt you. It was torture because I knew that your arm was chopped because of me!!" He screamed, slamming his fist on the counter.

"You didn't cut me." I whispered as I downed the glass.

"But I made you do it! And you're so stupid for still giving a shit about me! Why the fuck you always choose what's bad for you?!"

"Because I want to! Stop blaming yourself! This is not you! I don't like to see you... Like this! You look at me like I'm some fucking porcelain doll that will break if you touch it!!" I screamed as I grabbed back the bottle.

"I hurt you too much, Nikki!"

"And I hurt you more! Why can't you just forget it and start over?" I said feeling the tears burning my eyes.

"Because I don't wanna make you suffer anymore!! The only way I can do this, is if I leave!!!" He spat and his voice cracked.

"No, it's not! This is not fucking Twilight! Or maybe it is! Leave me and I'll find you wherever you'll go! You make me suffer right now! Just talking about this bullshit makes me sick!" I yelled and tears started to fall from my eyes.

"You'll get over it! You're still young! You'll forget about me! You'll find someone else who can make you happy without hurting you 90% of the time! You have your whole life in front of you!" He said sadly.

"It would be a worthless life if you're not in it..." I whispered.

He looked at me and his eyes were a little watery. I wiped away my tears and I took a few gulps of whiskey, wanting desperately to feel nothing. He stepped towards me and took the bottle from my hands and placed it on the counter. He caressed my cheek and gave me a small smile.

"You got over Damon, Nikki. You can get over me too." He whispered and I slapped him hard.

"I had to get over Damon!! With you, it's a whole other thing! I don't want to get over you! I don't want to be away from you! Because I fucking love you but you're to blind to see it!" I spat as more tears escaped my eyes.

"You think it's easy for me?!" He growled grabbing both of my arms.

I clenched my teeth in pain when he tightened his grip on my left arm but I said nothing as we were glaring at each other.

"You think I like what I'm doing?! You think that I don't want to be with you again?! You think that I don't wanna start over?!" He yelled in my face.

"Then why don't you fucking do it?!" I yelled back.

"Because I'm scared!" He said exasperated as he let go of my arms as started to walk back and forth through the bus.

"Why?!"

"You know why!"

"Just forget about it! I'm over it! I forgave you! I want you back! I don't care if you'll hurt me again! I will always want you back!" I screamed and my voice cracked.

"But why-"

He stopped when he looked at me. His eyes widened in horror as he was staring at my left arm. I followed his gaze confused and I saw that my sleeve was soaked in blood. Great! The fucker opened my cuts! Just when I was about to convince him!

I sighed and I headed to the sink as I took of my hoodie and turned on the faucet. I placed my arm under the cold water and hissed a little.

"Can you get me the bandages? They're in the third drawer." I said not looking at Ashley.

He returned with them in less than a minute as I pulled my hand out of the water after cleaning my wounds. I ripped the package open and I wanted to wrap the bandage around my arm but Ashley stopped me. I looked at him questioningly as he took me by my arm and helped me sit in a chair. He took some paper towels and dried my hand as he sat down in front of me.

He said nothing as he carefully bandaged my arm and I looked at him petrified. He was so gentle and so soft that I didn't even know when he was done.

"I'm sorry... I wasn't thinking when I gripped your arm." He whispered looking down.

"I don't care about it, Ashley." I said tired of fighting with him.

He gave me a thoughtful look as he threw my hoodie in the laundry basket. He led me to his bunk and pulled out one of his Outlaw hoodies and placed it over my shoulders. I turned away and I met his chocolate brown eyes and my heart melted. I didn't think as I leaned in and I pressed my lips against his own. He remained still not moving his lips as a few tears escaped my eyes.

"Please..." I whispered.

"Don't make it any harder, Nikki." He said pulling me against his chest.

"You're making it!" I spat sobbing."Why can't we be together again?"

"You really want that?"

"Yes!!" I screamed and I met his gaze.

"I want that too, Nikki! With all my heart! But I just can't risk again. I'll never leave you, like I promised but I won't take any chances at hurting you again." He whispered and kissed my forehead.

I couldn't say anything as I buried my face in his chest. I cried for what felt like eternity. I wasn't capable to convince him. My depression took over me as I felt again that urge to kill myself. I lost Ashley, why would it matter anyway? I have nothing to lose.

My mind thought about the fans and I realized that I couldn't let them down. I needed to finish the tour at least. Two more weeks. I felt a strong determination when I thought about it. Two more weeks and then I'll leave this world for good. Everyone will be better off without me. Ashley will stop blaming himself, Andy won't think about me anymore, Kaylie won't feel like she's living in my shadow and Ryan wouldn't suffer because of me. Troy would be devastated but he'll get over it eventually. Jinxx will be disappointed for sure and Jake and CC will be angry because I was so dumb.

But I will finally be dead. I will finally end everything for good. All the pain, the sorrow, the misery and the despair. It was cowardly but I couldn't help it. It was too much. I made up my mind as Ashley pulled back and kissed my forehead once again and wiped away my tears. I thought that I might as well, spend the time I had left with him. So I could remember him even after I die....

Notes

I wanna say a huge sorry to everyone who thought that they were back together!

The bad feelings are not over yet!

Let me know what you think In the comments!

Love yaaaaa