Lost it all.

"Pass me that." I hand the tech a drum part. He puts them in order and then stands up and wipes his forehead. I stand in the middle of the stage and then sat down.
"How can Andy do this?" I asked to whoever was sitting next to me.
"It's nerve wrecking." Ashley says. "It takes a lot of time to get use too."
"I bet... But all those fans, staring at you with makeup ruined or their hands up and reaching to touch yours... How those that feel?"
"Like you're the answer they've been waiting for." Jinxx said. "They tell us everything. Like we're their diary... We don't mind it... Because we see them fight whatever they are fighting... It hurts when we receive the news that they decided to leave, and we dedicate the shows to them..."
"But when they tell you that they overcame it... It's a gift to us." CC says. I look down at my own scars, and how they almost littered my forearm.
"Can you guys be my diary?... I really want you guys to know the truth, I think it's time." They all nod. CC sits up straight and moves to be infront of me they make a half circle around me... Interested in what I was going to say. "When I was 10... My mom was diagnosed with cancer.. She had been smoking ever since she was pregnant with me... Stopped for eight months because they told her too, had me and then continued, so she didn't breastfeed me. My biological dad had left us when I was around 4, saying that he actually never felt ready for a family... Last time I saw him was in a coffin, dressed in a tuxedo, a green tie and his green eyes closed. My mom fell into deep depression. Her with Cancer, thinking she was going to die and additionally to be diagnosed with depression was the worst. But She stopped smoking, because she wanted to see me achieve in life. And I did. I graduated high school, being in the top ten students of the school. My mom's cancer was gone when I was 18. My mom was a survivor of lung cancer. She was the happiest woman alive, she would listen to music, and we would dance like lunatics around the house. We didn't give a fuck in the entire world, we thought we conquered it, or at least we did. The songs went from some opera, to some hardcore shit. We would sing into spoons, stand on the amazingly strong coffee table... But I guess she was a great faker. A year and a half ago, I was coming from my job as a barista in Starbucks. I had just gotten fired because I messed up an order... By messing up the cup size. I opened the door to our house and my mom wasn't there...," I pause and took a deep breath. Gracie held my hand and I gave it a light squeeze.
"The songs that she always said she wanted to die with were playing... Panic filled my body, I ran up to her room... To find my young 41 year old mother, hanging from the ceiling fan..." I looked at Gracie, who's eyes were red and she sniffed. "I took her down and held her... I didn't call the cops. I held her to me... Tightly, cause that was the last time I would ever do so. I sang to her 'When You Can't Sleep At Night.' By of mice and men as it was playing in the background. It was her lullaby. She slept and cried to it. When we had her funeral service.. My aunt, my uncle... My cousins all were there. People that never visited her when she was sick.. Or when she needed someone. They were all hypocrites... Just like me." I whispered. "She left me a note saying that she was proud of me, that I was the best thing that happened in her life, and that she knew she was selfish. My mother showed me love. She showed me when she was proud.. I would take her to get her nails and hair done. We went to parties... We were best friends... When she died... I shut my self down... No music, no social communication... No food.. Nothing." Gracie wraps her arms around my shoulder as i took another deep breath. "As months passed, I met Gracie in the internet... I needed one reason to die... She gave me one reason not too... She became my rock, my inspiration." I hug Gracie back, CC smiling. "That's when I decided to come here... To leave the past, take the memories of my mother with me, and start new... That's when I found my family." I look at the guys, who's eyes were red and smiles formed on their lips. "That's me... That's the life of Samantha Zara, I ain't no happy little hippie." They all chuckle... "I'm a fighter, just like my mom was for so many years. And I'm proud to say, that thanks to the Black Veil Brides Family..." I look at every single of their faces.

Saving my favorite one for last.

"I'm still here."

Notes