Ash
Ash
Hard without you. Very much. Too bad you could not understand it. Did not understand how I need you. Sorry.
And I so wanted to be your doll. Completely yours. So that you commanded me, as you wanted. That you finally found out about my love. And maybe - affection?
The ash falls down on the tile. Behind him is flying heavy drop color setting sun, breaking away from opened veins on the wrist. Too late to change anything. Too late.
Andy, you know - sometimes it seemed to me that you feel nothing. As long as you have not found in the room crying with opened veins. It was only then that I realized that you do not know how to feel "moderately" - your ambitions are too strong for that. You could just feel the extremes - or an incredible sweetness, or wild pain. No middle ground.
At the moment I am more in love with you. It seemed to me that you need me. Silly. As silly as to savagery. I was wrong.
"I do not need anyone. If someone loves me - he knows all the nuances and transitions pain. He learns that it means to suffer. His life will be hell...
…And as we would like, so I needed someone...».
These words awakened something in me that had dropped to that. I realized that I just do not want you in the sense of satisfying my lust. I realized that I was too attached to you. What love you. Most of my boring life. You suddenly became everything to me. I could not without tears, thinking about life, which would not be you. And let - you do not know what I feel, do not you feel me, I still enjoyed every moment spent with you. My heart comes in a terrible run, when you looked at me and smiled at me. Inside the warmth spread all incomprehensible and I smiled in response.
Soon it became a disease. I paced around the apartment at night, I want you to hug me, kiss. But no - you're convinced heterosexual, and I know it. It was just a silly naive dream gone mad grown children.
Ashes. In the ashes turned into my heart when you no longer were there. I myself became like ashes - I do not feel anything.
Andy... Thy name is too sweet on the lips. And at the same time - like blood mixed with tears. You are attracted - and repulsive. In your eyes too much pain - there, inside, under a thick crust of ice.
All I wanted to say - "I'm sorry." This word would be able to change everything. I guess...
"I'm sorry for what I have loved you"
And you would say - "Not to forgive. We are not free to choose - to love or to hate. "
And we would have gone on it. The story would end.
But we do not want that. I would submit - you did not want to command. And both of us are doomed to suffer forever because they loved not. You - because did not feel anything, I - because too fond of you.
I shake ash from the cigarette. It is strange that I am smoking. Maybe I just want to be so close to you?..
And you know - I, too, do not feel. I no longer have. It remains only the body. I died. Irrevocably.
You're so foolish die. You had to die as a god - but it turned out all too silly.
Who or what made you leave in the evening at a speed of 140 km / h in a deranged state of the deserted highway leading out of Los Angeles? And nothing would have happened, would not have met you on the road such as inadequate, like you, mister on a yellow convertible. He and you - both to bits. At that same uncle - even some of the insides torn. Did you ever stayed safe. Almost. Unknown way - along your back huge in size, deep scratch. The skin on his hands peeled off. A broken arm. The forehead split, face scratched glass fragments. And everything else intact. You've always been lucky...
Ashes, ashes only around me, on the tiles. It seems I'll scatter the ashes now. So empty inside. I do not even feel like I hurt because you're not around. I do not feel anything.
I finally understand you. How much were you difficult feel this emptiness inside. This nagging, non-transferable pain. Poor ... You, too, would like to feel. And could not you... I am sorry... Andy.
All living things in you was constrained by cold. You yourself as if he were a statue of ice. Inside it - no heart.
Ashes, ashes inside. Burn with a blue flame that day when I am so attached to you that I understood - I can not live without you.
…Because I love.
Another drop of crimson with a crash, gave the bells in the ears, falls on the tile. How hard it is to hear that. With the same sound of blood fell on the pavement when you pulled from the wreckage of the car.
So strange, but I do not regret. I do not regret that I loved you. Very, very. It was the best time of my life worthless gray.
I just want to get out there in a different world, we have always been close to where you could feel.
Ashes, ashes around. I'm showering ash on the cold tile, I dissolve in the pain. And I'm not sorry that things happen that way. I do not pity myself.
I'm dying for nothing. I know that. But there was nothing to return.
In your eyes last really Antarctica.
It’s true that all living in you is contained an ice in you?
In trying understand love in Theory and Practice
I find about you a lot of new.
I want to numbly bow down before thee
For order to you as you can and want commanded me.
I want – to howl in pain and wild resentment,
Because it seems to me like you’re from the cement.
Tell me, can you hold my hand tightly-indulgently
And to take away out of here on a black “Bentley”?
It’s true that my heart – ash, and there’s no more bravery,
And you already do not you’ll be able to save me?..
And I so wanted to be your doll. Completely yours. So that you commanded me, as you wanted. That you finally found out about my love. And maybe - affection?
The ash falls down on the tile. Behind him is flying heavy drop color setting sun, breaking away from opened veins on the wrist. Too late to change anything. Too late.
Andy, you know - sometimes it seemed to me that you feel nothing. As long as you have not found in the room crying with opened veins. It was only then that I realized that you do not know how to feel "moderately" - your ambitions are too strong for that. You could just feel the extremes - or an incredible sweetness, or wild pain. No middle ground.
At the moment I am more in love with you. It seemed to me that you need me. Silly. As silly as to savagery. I was wrong.
"I do not need anyone. If someone loves me - he knows all the nuances and transitions pain. He learns that it means to suffer. His life will be hell...
…And as we would like, so I needed someone...».
These words awakened something in me that had dropped to that. I realized that I just do not want you in the sense of satisfying my lust. I realized that I was too attached to you. What love you. Most of my boring life. You suddenly became everything to me. I could not without tears, thinking about life, which would not be you. And let - you do not know what I feel, do not you feel me, I still enjoyed every moment spent with you. My heart comes in a terrible run, when you looked at me and smiled at me. Inside the warmth spread all incomprehensible and I smiled in response.
Soon it became a disease. I paced around the apartment at night, I want you to hug me, kiss. But no - you're convinced heterosexual, and I know it. It was just a silly naive dream gone mad grown children.
Ashes. In the ashes turned into my heart when you no longer were there. I myself became like ashes - I do not feel anything.
Andy... Thy name is too sweet on the lips. And at the same time - like blood mixed with tears. You are attracted - and repulsive. In your eyes too much pain - there, inside, under a thick crust of ice.
All I wanted to say - "I'm sorry." This word would be able to change everything. I guess...
"I'm sorry for what I have loved you"
And you would say - "Not to forgive. We are not free to choose - to love or to hate. "
And we would have gone on it. The story would end.
But we do not want that. I would submit - you did not want to command. And both of us are doomed to suffer forever because they loved not. You - because did not feel anything, I - because too fond of you.
I shake ash from the cigarette. It is strange that I am smoking. Maybe I just want to be so close to you?..
And you know - I, too, do not feel. I no longer have. It remains only the body. I died. Irrevocably.
You're so foolish die. You had to die as a god - but it turned out all too silly.
Who or what made you leave in the evening at a speed of 140 km / h in a deranged state of the deserted highway leading out of Los Angeles? And nothing would have happened, would not have met you on the road such as inadequate, like you, mister on a yellow convertible. He and you - both to bits. At that same uncle - even some of the insides torn. Did you ever stayed safe. Almost. Unknown way - along your back huge in size, deep scratch. The skin on his hands peeled off. A broken arm. The forehead split, face scratched glass fragments. And everything else intact. You've always been lucky...
Ashes, ashes only around me, on the tiles. It seems I'll scatter the ashes now. So empty inside. I do not even feel like I hurt because you're not around. I do not feel anything.
I finally understand you. How much were you difficult feel this emptiness inside. This nagging, non-transferable pain. Poor ... You, too, would like to feel. And could not you... I am sorry... Andy.
All living things in you was constrained by cold. You yourself as if he were a statue of ice. Inside it - no heart.
Ashes, ashes inside. Burn with a blue flame that day when I am so attached to you that I understood - I can not live without you.
…Because I love.
Another drop of crimson with a crash, gave the bells in the ears, falls on the tile. How hard it is to hear that. With the same sound of blood fell on the pavement when you pulled from the wreckage of the car.
So strange, but I do not regret. I do not regret that I loved you. Very, very. It was the best time of my life worthless gray.
I just want to get out there in a different world, we have always been close to where you could feel.
Ashes, ashes around. I'm showering ash on the cold tile, I dissolve in the pain. And I'm not sorry that things happen that way. I do not pity myself.
I'm dying for nothing. I know that. But there was nothing to return.
In your eyes last really Antarctica.
It’s true that all living in you is contained an ice in you?
In trying understand love in Theory and Practice
I find about you a lot of new.
I want to numbly bow down before thee
For order to you as you can and want commanded me.
I want – to howl in pain and wild resentment,
Because it seems to me like you’re from the cement.
Tell me, can you hold my hand tightly-indulgently
And to take away out of here on a black “Bentley”?
It’s true that my heart – ash, and there’s no more bravery,
And you already do not you’ll be able to save me?..
Notes
Well, one more fic translated.He - a kind of apotheosis of life and death, mixed with love. The metaphor of the heart drawn on the wet glass.
The title is held parallel with the name Ashley.
http://ficbook.net/readfic/503215 - on russian. Is dedicated to fans of BVB and just good people.
The verse at the end was the most difficult. I had to rewrite it in English, and completely lost his rhythm. By Russian it sounds much better.
Enjoy =)
With love and respect, crazy slasher Sky_in_me ^^
Long and hard to explain, but I still try. In addition, it is unlikely you can understand my point of view ...
In general, you wrote a comment. That is, you may have noticed my work, and even found time to read it. This proves to me that my work has not been forgotten. She called you a sense of what they were not, and it confuses and delights. Here =)
5/1/13