The Wretched And Divine
Who Can Save Me Now?
ALEX'S POV
The weather grew colder and I grew skinnier as the weeks went by. My excessive weight loss seemed to go undetected by everyone, to which I was thankful for. I was growing weaker as well, only allowing myself a handful of grapes or blueberries 2 or 3 days out of the week. I lived mainly on water and powerade to fuel myself. My cheekbones and collarbones stood out prominently and the gap between my thighs was almost frightening. You could easily count my ribs because they stuck out so much. My depression sky rocketed because I wasn't feeling myself and was still haunted by the memories of that night. I was weak, tired, and cold but I did it all to myself and I wasn't ready to get better. I was going to die from this but I've come to accept that. My clock is ticking and every tick brings my insanity higher and pulls me closer to my breaking point.
I also started cutting. The fact that it got colder meant I could wear sweatpants and sweatshirts everyday without any suspicion. They were everywhere. My thighs, my hips, my wrists, and all the way up to where my arm bends. It was a mixture of my self hatred and feeling sorry for myself but mostly because of how much I'm letting Andy down. I'm lying to him and I hate myself for that. He loves me more than anything in the entire world and its tearing him apart slowly. Andy puts on a brave face for me, he smiles and laughs in hopes he'll get some response to indicate how I'm feeling, but he gets nothing. I don't smile, I don't laugh. Hell, I barely even talk. All I do is lay in his bed and sleep. I don't shower regularly anymore simply because I don't care. I don't care about anything.
"You cold?" Andy asked. I nodded and pulled the covers of his bed up to my chin and rolled over onto my side. I felt Andy wrap his arm around my waist and quickly dragged it up so it was resting along my neck. I yawned loudly.
Its going to be a lot harder to hide my weight loss from him and the guys since we were on Christmas vacation. But, like I always do, I'll find a way to conceal my secret.
"Youve been so tired lately, are you feeling okay?" Andy asked, placing a hand on my forehead to see if I have a fever or not. I shrugged and nodded.
"I'm fine." I mumbled before closing my eyes. I heard Andy sigh but thought nothing of it. It's obvious he's getting frustrated with my one worded replies and constant sleeping. I'm not fun anymore, not myself. The old chirpy Alex who enjoyed life because of her amazing boyfriend and friends is dead and gone and I don't think she's ever coming back.
"Are you sure? You've been oddly quiet and you're sleeping more than normal. Everything okay?" He pried. I shook my head, suddenly frustrated that he kept asking me questions when all I wanted to do was be left alone and sleep.
"I'm fine, I said it the first time." I snapped. I swallowed the lump in my throat, not allowing myself to breakdown in front of Andy. It would ruin everything.
"Alright, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you." Andy said, hurt lacing his tone. I shook my head and snuggled deeper into his comforter.
"Don't worry about me." I whispered almost inaudibly. I felt a hand rub my boney shoulder but didn't shrug it off since I was far too weak and tired to do so.
"Of course I'm gonna worry about you, Alex. You're my mate and I love you." I felt tears well up in my eyes at Andy's words. I didn't like hearing things like that, they just made me feel worse.
"Love you too." I whispered. I felt Andy crawl over me and get out of bed, rolling over immediately so he couldn't see my glossy eyes and broken stare. He sighed unhappily.
"The guys are here so I'm going downstairs, come down if you'd like." He said blankly, knowing I'm not going to take up his offer. Andy gave up on trying to get me to get out of bed and go downstairs, like he's nagged on previous days. I didn't bother replying, instead I just nodded my head and stared at the wall next to me as tears traveled down my face. Seconds later the door shut and I allowed myself to cry freely.
I know Andy could hear me crying but to be honest, I didn't care. I've lost my ability to care. And it's not like he'll ask me about it. No, because he's tried and tried dozens of times but I would just shut him out and snap at him. He's sick of dealing with me I know it but I don't blame him. I'm not the girl he fell in love with. I'm not affectionate; I never hug him anymore and when he kisses me I rarely return it or just lack emotion all together. He can see I'm hurting but he's not going to pry more then a few questions. I'm killing him on the inside and that kills me. I hate myself for the hurt I'm putting him through and the hurt he's going to feel when I'm gone.
I've lost my will to live. The days are counting down as my body and stability wither away.
The weather grew colder and I grew skinnier as the weeks went by. My excessive weight loss seemed to go undetected by everyone, to which I was thankful for. I was growing weaker as well, only allowing myself a handful of grapes or blueberries 2 or 3 days out of the week. I lived mainly on water and powerade to fuel myself. My cheekbones and collarbones stood out prominently and the gap between my thighs was almost frightening. You could easily count my ribs because they stuck out so much. My depression sky rocketed because I wasn't feeling myself and was still haunted by the memories of that night. I was weak, tired, and cold but I did it all to myself and I wasn't ready to get better. I was going to die from this but I've come to accept that. My clock is ticking and every tick brings my insanity higher and pulls me closer to my breaking point.
I also started cutting. The fact that it got colder meant I could wear sweatpants and sweatshirts everyday without any suspicion. They were everywhere. My thighs, my hips, my wrists, and all the way up to where my arm bends. It was a mixture of my self hatred and feeling sorry for myself but mostly because of how much I'm letting Andy down. I'm lying to him and I hate myself for that. He loves me more than anything in the entire world and its tearing him apart slowly. Andy puts on a brave face for me, he smiles and laughs in hopes he'll get some response to indicate how I'm feeling, but he gets nothing. I don't smile, I don't laugh. Hell, I barely even talk. All I do is lay in his bed and sleep. I don't shower regularly anymore simply because I don't care. I don't care about anything.
"You cold?" Andy asked. I nodded and pulled the covers of his bed up to my chin and rolled over onto my side. I felt Andy wrap his arm around my waist and quickly dragged it up so it was resting along my neck. I yawned loudly.
Its going to be a lot harder to hide my weight loss from him and the guys since we were on Christmas vacation. But, like I always do, I'll find a way to conceal my secret.
"Youve been so tired lately, are you feeling okay?" Andy asked, placing a hand on my forehead to see if I have a fever or not. I shrugged and nodded.
"I'm fine." I mumbled before closing my eyes. I heard Andy sigh but thought nothing of it. It's obvious he's getting frustrated with my one worded replies and constant sleeping. I'm not fun anymore, not myself. The old chirpy Alex who enjoyed life because of her amazing boyfriend and friends is dead and gone and I don't think she's ever coming back.
"Are you sure? You've been oddly quiet and you're sleeping more than normal. Everything okay?" He pried. I shook my head, suddenly frustrated that he kept asking me questions when all I wanted to do was be left alone and sleep.
"I'm fine, I said it the first time." I snapped. I swallowed the lump in my throat, not allowing myself to breakdown in front of Andy. It would ruin everything.
"Alright, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you." Andy said, hurt lacing his tone. I shook my head and snuggled deeper into his comforter.
"Don't worry about me." I whispered almost inaudibly. I felt a hand rub my boney shoulder but didn't shrug it off since I was far too weak and tired to do so.
"Of course I'm gonna worry about you, Alex. You're my mate and I love you." I felt tears well up in my eyes at Andy's words. I didn't like hearing things like that, they just made me feel worse.
"Love you too." I whispered. I felt Andy crawl over me and get out of bed, rolling over immediately so he couldn't see my glossy eyes and broken stare. He sighed unhappily.
"The guys are here so I'm going downstairs, come down if you'd like." He said blankly, knowing I'm not going to take up his offer. Andy gave up on trying to get me to get out of bed and go downstairs, like he's nagged on previous days. I didn't bother replying, instead I just nodded my head and stared at the wall next to me as tears traveled down my face. Seconds later the door shut and I allowed myself to cry freely.
I know Andy could hear me crying but to be honest, I didn't care. I've lost my ability to care. And it's not like he'll ask me about it. No, because he's tried and tried dozens of times but I would just shut him out and snap at him. He's sick of dealing with me I know it but I don't blame him. I'm not the girl he fell in love with. I'm not affectionate; I never hug him anymore and when he kisses me I rarely return it or just lack emotion all together. He can see I'm hurting but he's not going to pry more then a few questions. I'm killing him on the inside and that kills me. I hate myself for the hurt I'm putting him through and the hurt he's going to feel when I'm gone.
I've lost my will to live. The days are counting down as my body and stability wither away.
@Red Phoenix77 i wrote this back when i was about 13 (im 18 now) but i assume that my thought process was that vampires weren't undead, they were very much alive. also, i was very inexperienced when writing this story so i didn't put too much thought into things. maybe i'll re-write it one day! :)
9/20/17