I smoke. Bite my lipsperiodically flicking ashes with a slightly sodden cigarette. So painful and lonely. Why do I always have to be the one? Maybe it's my destiny - permanently lose those who are dear to me?

No ... It should not be. Rain becomes numb the collar leather jacket. It's cold. I raised my head and breathe out smoke of into the sky. Maybe he will reach you. Maybe you feel like it's hard. Without you - and at the same time with you. How hard it is to always carry your way of into the heart. See your smile in my dreams, black hair, disperse over her shoulders, deep, expressive eyes. How have you been beautyfull ...

I am plagued by feelings such that I had lost myself. And though - why be surprised? The group is no more. It is not possible ... without you. We do not find other such a bass player. Anywhere, ever. You're lost forever. It's time to accept that. You are no more. And the point. Without the group, I - I did not.

This point, this cross - on my life. I want you to show up in my dreams - just so I can see you, just so I can continue to keep the memory of you. I do not want - the heart is torn to pieces, and I can not hold back the tears and screams in the already soaked pillow.

I fall asleep in the morningwith his head on a wet cloth. My head hurts from the constant tears, moaning through clenched teeth, and thoughts of you. I remember you all - from a gentle smile - and to the wild lust of the eyes, when I fall you to the wall and bite the delicate skin on the neck, remember your wheezing knocked down, gently touch my cheek. Remember your cries when you reached the climax. I remember that attracted me down to you, pressed and whispered: "Will not give ...".

How did hurt. Hurt so much that you just want to dissolve, disappear, only to stop feeling the pain. So hurts that I want to scream, howl - as loudly as possible, trying to drown out this mortal anguish, mercilessly cutting into the heart can not stand the dull, empty void in chest. Or - hide in a corner, and once again cry, buried in knees and trying not to howl at the apartment that did not hear the neighbors.

A group soon broke up, you've been away. I just can not bear to sing more. I even came on the scene could not - me at once smothered tears, but in heart ached, and it comes in mortal anguish. And once, the storm, shot in the temple - the memories. In concert, you always stood beside me, as if afraid that I will steal. And I always jammed from the lungs, accidental contact, groin began unbearable burning and voice grew hoarse. And always after that - you smile and sidled moving away a little further. And I - I joined of your movements, of seeing how you torment bass, how was shaken bangs as insidious smile, coming up to me and hot breath in his face. Then I turned away from you, and you wearily leaned his back to me. And sometimes - and I'm leaning arm around you. And no one knew what is going on inside us. And not only inside.

But you gone. Even something stupid happened. We just had a fight that night. I was furious - and hit you. You stepped back and looked at me, startled. And I ... I turned around and left. God, then I cursed myself for it ...

Stupid traitor. Coward. I - nobody. Then - I was afraid of myself. I did not stay with you. I'm afraid you don't love me. It seemed to me that you need to be alone, to understand yourself. And I left. Slamming the door and without even saying goodbye. I betrayed you. Since then, I despise myself, as the lowest, most recently a coward.

Why I needed you? I did not understand what love is. I just felt something warm in the chest, causes me to see you perfect. And - only mine.

But! - I realized I got it! Love - it's indescribable. It is impossible to understand. But it forces us to live, to endure the pain and hatred. She - the lightest and darkest at the same time feeling. After all, it compels us to suffer and fight in hysterics at night. She - leads to hate - and love to the madness, to bury nose in wet hair and inhale his pungent flavor.

All I have left of you - is a chain with a star-pendant. She still keeps your scent - a hell of a mixture of whiskey and expensive perfume. And - spice thyme and juniper branches. This smell haunts me crazy. All the smells you around me. Even now - way you smell the rain.

Cold drop slides on the torso, making me shudder and wrapped in a leather jacket. It reminded me of your touch. You too - always cold, long, thin fingers. Everything reminds of you. So it is simply impossible to live ... When you - everywhere. And most importantly - you're sitting in my heart sharp thorn, not letting me sleep at night, leading to sob again and again, carrying on an apartment sobs and moans. Let go of me! ..

-Let go of me, hear, let me go! - a trembling and hoarse voice screaming in an indifferent dull sky. On it - no stars. No reaction. Though - what did I expect? Only the rain came harder.

When you die, the skies remained deaf to your death. Rain is the first time in this whole agonizing month. Heavens, you're too late. Too late, you began to mourn him. But - nothing. Help me, I can not cope alone. My tears are not enough to grant him peace.

I got out a cigarette. What is the bill? Thirties, forties? Hundredth? It makes no sense. Cigarettes are jamming pain, even a little bit - but it becomes easier.

You did not let me go. You became my curse, my fear, phobia - I'm afraid once again remember about you. But when I think of your smile, it makes me sick - and at the same time at the heart of bottled sweet languor. I'm starting to be afraid of you. Do you hear me?

I know you hear. You also probably hurt. And imagine how I feel? Every day, every hour, minute, second - remember you. This is intolerable.

... I have time. You were then still alive. You're lying - covered in blood, with broken arm, legs and several ribs. You're choking on his own blood, and the doctors could not do anything. It was too late to do something. It was deadly - you can not be saved.

I remember when I was leaning over you. You cried for your perfect face tears flowed, mingling with the blood. Even if you were indescribably beautiful.

The tears on her cheeks. Such hot. Drip on your shirt. Black, with the logo of KISS. I too have such. She, too - a certain piece of memory about you.

I buried you in the chest. You groaned in pain. Poor. It pains me to look at you. You are dying. But even the dead - you will remain mine.

-Forgive me - whispering. Voice breaks. Coughing blood. She runs down the chin, neck, T-shirt.

For what? - Has the willies. Ready to howl in the street on what you - you die in a pool of his own blood. I can not, there is no way to see you like this. I know - you're going to die. Even then, I know. It's inevitable. Why, why did I leave? Maybe then you would not have jumped from the eleventh floor apartment with a balcony. What do you want to accomplish? I did love you you know. Why were torturing yourself and me?

-I'm sorry, - repeat, and dramatically, as you exhale: - My ... my only ...

This is the last word you say. Your eyes are still open. A look glaze over and rests in a lifeless, cold sky.

-I love you - quietly whispered, kissing his lips have cooled down quickly, feeling them salty taste of your blood. Painfully sweet.

You're still slightly warm when you are loaded onto an ambulance. But ... - too late. I get up from my knees. Where do I? Without you, life has lost all meaning ...

Month. Month I do without you. How do I live? How do I keep? I don't know. Only one thing is clear - I can not go on like that.

-Let go of! - Painful whisper in the cold, indifferent sky. He does not care about me and my pain. It is the same - as then. Only if it does not cry. It is crying out for you now.

I throw down a cigarette butt. I will die the same way - like you. Even the floor is the same. On this floor is the end of - of him no more hope.

-Let go of .... - The tears on cheeks. It hurts. Unbearable. Step forward. How painfully long, as if in slow motion. Finally all the stops. Wait for me, Ashley.

***

Cries techs, howling sirens. Burning pain in the whole body. I'm alive?

-Andy, why? - Who is it? So familiar, plaintive voice to the pain. How I can turn my head, despite the pain, trying to find out who said it. Strange. No one around. Only medics.

Oh, it's you .... Well, I finally heard your voice again. On my cheeks - salty tears.

-Because I love you - quietly, breaking at the hissing whisper.

The rain had stopped. Even the stars are visible. When you're dying, they were not. And then there was more blood. You're dead in the blood - I will die in the water. Symbolic, is not it?

It seems to me, or ... Yeah ... you look at me from there. Among the stars - your face. I clearly see it. But - the stars have faded, and your face is barely distinguishable.

Last gasp. I'm trying to breathe, and do not care about the pain - so long to see your face to keep every line, every curve. But - once everything comes to an end. And - I'm coming to you.

Notes

It was my first fick in this fandom, so do not throw slippers, I beg you =)
I hope you enjoyed it, and fick on the left you the slightest impression ^ ^
Write for:
-Mors- (http://ficbook.net/authors/-Mors-), my best friend;
and Alexandria Biersack (http://ficbook.net/authors/Alexandria+Biersack), fan of BVB, yes.