I am In love with A sadist (sequel to I am In Love With my Teacher)
15
Life has tricky ways on creeping up on you; you think it would be awesome to be in love with a teacher, he is sweet, fun and a lot of handsome if you catch my drift but than... well than threw a huge brick in my face and left me with a broke nose... note to self. I should stop using life as a literal sense, expect when it comes to Mr. Andrew Biersack. Where was i? oh yes. Life. Life through me a massive curve-ball and i did not see it coming, see as in i was blind and i needed a damn walking stick.
I never intended to marry the damn man, led alone carry his fucking children, i just thought i going to be a 'ah well fling' but it turned into something so real even i had to slap myself to make sure i was not dreaming, and trust me when i say i did slap myself several amount of times.
"Uh...." i look to the doorway seeing Andy with soft expression. "You are thinking really hard, that face you make."
i cock my head to one side not sure what he meant, i mean yeah i do faces when i like think really, and i mean really hard but i did know it became worse over the course of these few months, led alone the only thing i am thinking about is how i got here and where i was suppose to be; or right yeah in England. "I am just thinking about the babies."
"Right," he nods sitting on the edge of the queen size bed. "So after the birth we are moving to LA?"
"Yes." i mummer placing my book down. "If its okay with you?"
"Yeah, its cool." he whispers removing his shoes. "I wanted to ask you something."
"No i am not going in the playroom." i say dryly flipping to page 65 of vampire dairies.
"I know," Andy groans. "But on that topic Sam i-"
I held out my hand shaking it to and fro. "Like i said," i breath. "After i push these children out of my vagina you can have sex, but no sex till than... kay? good. now leave me alone and go take a shower. You stink." i pull my book up to my face again and bury myself in the large chair across from the bed.
I heard grumbling as Andy make his way to the bathroom.
In the course of these few months i changed dramatically, Andy said i became a aware of the word 'bitch' and that he missed the nerdy girl who rambles and who was weird. It is true i am-was- whatever past or present tense you wanna use- i am a bitch, is not the environment who changed me but non the less the man himself who possessed me.
And to be true to me and who i am, i miss that girl as well; with the nerdy glasses, baggy pants who smoked behind the school dumpster with her best friends. I hate being a grown up, now i have to start early cleaning up poop and vomit and well Andy.
I need to find myself again, and what better way to do it, is to go back to the place where i lost myself... high-school.
"Dancing brings joy to me, when i dance it seems the whole world can go screw itself, same with singing or writing. So for today's lesson i want you to write me a three thousand word essay on 'what makes you smile' its really important to see yourself not the way others see you but the way you see yourself in the mirror, what affect have dance or sing or any creative genre have on you, begin." i mummer sitting on the edge of my desk.
"Sam?" i turn my head to door seeing my old English teacher. "Gotta minute."
i nod walking up to him with a small smile. "Hey Mr. Charlile, what's up."
"here," he hands me a paper and smile. "i found it in my files last night and i thought you want to have it,"
i seize the paper scanning it through. "my poem?" i ask confused.
"Yep." he shrugs putting his hands in his jeans pockets. "I still don't understand it but maybe you will, seeing you are a grown woman with two babies on the way."
I giggle and nodded. "Thanks."
he nods and walks away. i turn around and stroll with the paper in my hand to my desk. "guys, wanna read you something, put down your papers, i think this will give you a bit of an open mind."
Everyone placed their pens down looking right at me with confuse expressions. "I wrote this in senior year, it was one of the final moments. I had to express my feelings on a piece of white paper," i giggle jumping on my desk. "In the beginning of senior year i had a dark phase, it seemed i cannot fit in, as some of you know i had been bullied and i was just a nerdy little girl who wanted to fit in, so here and now, i want you to know that life is hard, and this was my way of putting in words."
I straighten myself and began:
"She is fear, she knows that the end is near. Not the world or this day. But her love for pain will soon be stained. All around the room as blood spills dry. A single tear falling down her eye.
she never wanted this pain, she never wanted this life. She thought to herself its better to run to a knife. Her wrist were bleeding feeling joy as she cuts. Just one more cut. it will be enough.
But she can't stop because the pain removes the fear. The fear of dying alone. A fear of turning to stone.
So one last cut should be enough, to was a away her trouble, drop by drop. She just want to stop but she can't . She don't want to feel empty like she is drowning in sand.
One last cut is enough, to end her life and say i can't anymore, my life is just to rough. She never saw the sun again, because one cut was just enough."
I look up to my students and smile. "You may go on with your essay."
I never intended to marry the damn man, led alone carry his fucking children, i just thought i going to be a 'ah well fling' but it turned into something so real even i had to slap myself to make sure i was not dreaming, and trust me when i say i did slap myself several amount of times.
"Uh...." i look to the doorway seeing Andy with soft expression. "You are thinking really hard, that face you make."
i cock my head to one side not sure what he meant, i mean yeah i do faces when i like think really, and i mean really hard but i did know it became worse over the course of these few months, led alone the only thing i am thinking about is how i got here and where i was suppose to be; or right yeah in England. "I am just thinking about the babies."
"Right," he nods sitting on the edge of the queen size bed. "So after the birth we are moving to LA?"
"Yes." i mummer placing my book down. "If its okay with you?"
"Yeah, its cool." he whispers removing his shoes. "I wanted to ask you something."
"No i am not going in the playroom." i say dryly flipping to page 65 of vampire dairies.
"I know," Andy groans. "But on that topic Sam i-"
I held out my hand shaking it to and fro. "Like i said," i breath. "After i push these children out of my vagina you can have sex, but no sex till than... kay? good. now leave me alone and go take a shower. You stink." i pull my book up to my face again and bury myself in the large chair across from the bed.
I heard grumbling as Andy make his way to the bathroom.
In the course of these few months i changed dramatically, Andy said i became a aware of the word 'bitch' and that he missed the nerdy girl who rambles and who was weird. It is true i am-was- whatever past or present tense you wanna use- i am a bitch, is not the environment who changed me but non the less the man himself who possessed me.
And to be true to me and who i am, i miss that girl as well; with the nerdy glasses, baggy pants who smoked behind the school dumpster with her best friends. I hate being a grown up, now i have to start early cleaning up poop and vomit and well Andy.
I need to find myself again, and what better way to do it, is to go back to the place where i lost myself... high-school.
"Dancing brings joy to me, when i dance it seems the whole world can go screw itself, same with singing or writing. So for today's lesson i want you to write me a three thousand word essay on 'what makes you smile' its really important to see yourself not the way others see you but the way you see yourself in the mirror, what affect have dance or sing or any creative genre have on you, begin." i mummer sitting on the edge of my desk.
"Sam?" i turn my head to door seeing my old English teacher. "Gotta minute."
i nod walking up to him with a small smile. "Hey Mr. Charlile, what's up."
"here," he hands me a paper and smile. "i found it in my files last night and i thought you want to have it,"
i seize the paper scanning it through. "my poem?" i ask confused.
"Yep." he shrugs putting his hands in his jeans pockets. "I still don't understand it but maybe you will, seeing you are a grown woman with two babies on the way."
I giggle and nodded. "Thanks."
he nods and walks away. i turn around and stroll with the paper in my hand to my desk. "guys, wanna read you something, put down your papers, i think this will give you a bit of an open mind."
Everyone placed their pens down looking right at me with confuse expressions. "I wrote this in senior year, it was one of the final moments. I had to express my feelings on a piece of white paper," i giggle jumping on my desk. "In the beginning of senior year i had a dark phase, it seemed i cannot fit in, as some of you know i had been bullied and i was just a nerdy little girl who wanted to fit in, so here and now, i want you to know that life is hard, and this was my way of putting in words."
I straighten myself and began:
"She is fear, she knows that the end is near. Not the world or this day. But her love for pain will soon be stained. All around the room as blood spills dry. A single tear falling down her eye.
she never wanted this pain, she never wanted this life. She thought to herself its better to run to a knife. Her wrist were bleeding feeling joy as she cuts. Just one more cut. it will be enough.
But she can't stop because the pain removes the fear. The fear of dying alone. A fear of turning to stone.
So one last cut should be enough, to was a away her trouble, drop by drop. She just want to stop but she can't . She don't want to feel empty like she is drowning in sand.
One last cut is enough, to end her life and say i can't anymore, my life is just to rough. She never saw the sun again, because one cut was just enough."
I look up to my students and smile. "You may go on with your essay."
Notes
hey guys.
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12/4/14