Wretchedly Divine (Gasping for Air)

“What do you mean you can’t find her, it’s been three days!” I screamed at Ashley as I paced my bedroom floor. If I kept this pace up there’s be a hole in the floor soon.

“I mean that she keeps moving. If you’d tell her to stay in one fucking place we’d probably be able to find her faster!” He shouted back, probably equally as frustrated as I was.

“I told you, every time I try and contact her she shuts me out! I didn’t even know that was possible! I have no way to work around it! It’s like she cut the line!

“Well figure out a way to put it back together or we’re never going to find her!” He yelled at me before blowing out the door and slamming it behind him. I picked up a random object and threw it at the door in a fit of rage. I was surprised when I heard a shattering noise. I looked at the desk where I’d taken the object from. Juliet’s glass statue was missing. I looked at the floor to see small pieces of colored glass littering the area around the door. It was Juliet’s glass statue. I’d just broken my last link to the love of my life.

“Shit.” I muttered, picking up the pieces carefully by hand, even though using a broom would’ve been the smart thing to do. I placed the small pieces in my large a hand and a familiar unwanted flood of emotions came onto me with strength and speed that couldn’t be matched.


“I love you Andy,” Juliet whispered in my ear as we sat outside, watching the sunset for what would be the final time. I was surprised by her confession I’d been thinking the same thing, but had been nervous about admitting to it. I smiled down at her and pulled her a little bit closer to me.

“I love you, too,” I said just as softly, letting the thoughts of Ashtin drift away from my mind as I enjoyed this moment.

“I want to be with you forever Andy.” She smiled, snuggling deeper into my side; I took her hand and gently rubbed circles into her palm.

“I would definitely like that.” I kissed her forehead.

“Andy, if something happens tomorrow…” She started, and then looked up at me. The moment was shattered as I realized what was happening. This was her saying goodbye.

“No, Juliet, nothing is going to happen tomorrow. You’ll be back in the morning and I’ll be there to greet you, just like every battle we’ve ever had with the Rebel Camp.” I assured her, but I wasn’t sure. Lately fewer and fewer people had been coming back from the battles. I should’ve told Mom not to let her go.

“I know, Andy, but if, on the off chance something does happen, I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart, and I want you to be happy, even if I’m not around, alright?” She took my face in her hands. “Even if I can’t be the one to give you happiness, I want that for you.” She whispered, and then kissed my lips with the same gentleness.

I pulled away from her kiss to look at her. “Don’t talk like that, Jules, nothing is going to happen.” I smiled at her and then leaned back in to kiss her again. She was my whole world, well, my whole physical world…


I forced the memory down, feeling the familiar hollowness in my chest. I looked down at the pieces of glass in my hand and felt nothing, until the guilt set in. I was supposed to love her, why was I not torn apart? I knew it was a bad thing, that I shouldn’t have done it, but… time had made me numb to the pain that should come with destroying the only object I had left to remember her by. It’d been three years since that happened. Three years since Ashley came to tell me that nobody I loved was coming home, and that I was left all alone in the world. I still missed my parents, so why didn’t I care that Juliet was gone. Why wasn’t I missing her anymore.

Because you’ve found someone to take her place. The ever wise voice in my head told me. I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t want to replace Juliet, it felt like abandoning her when I thought of it like that. Not replace, just focus on. I had someone else to focus on, so the pain of losing Juliet wasn’t as prominent as it should’ve been. I wasn’t replacing her. I’d never do that, right?

Then why did you work so hard to make sure Ashtin didn’t forget you? The wise voice questioned, and I didn’t have an answer for it. I just didn’t want her to forget. I didn’t know why, I just couldn’t stand the idea of losing her as well as the love of my life and my parents. That wasn’t completely horrible, was it, not wanting to lose her? It was in my nature. No one wants to lose the things that they love.

Love? So you’re saying you love her?

I didn’t know what I was saying. Was I saying I love her? If I was, did I mean it? Did I love Ashtin, in all her stubbornness and strength and pride. Did I love her sharp mind, and quick wit? Did I love her sarcastic nature, and her beautiful willingness to laugh at anything and everything?

I didn’t know. I was sure I loved her to an extent, as much as I loved all the members of the Legion, and the Wild Ones, but did it stop there? Did I love her like a sister, like a friend, like a… lover?

I didn’t want to think about it. I gently set the broken glass on the top of the desk and then left my room, intending on going straight to my white room. I needed to meditate, I needed to not think. I was tired of thinking, and worrying. I needed to just be alone.

And contact Ashtin. My subconscious reminded me and I sighed.

“And that.” I said to myself.

“And what, Andy?” Ebe asked, coming up beside me. I sighed, not in the mood to deal with her. I didn’t have any mixed emotions about her, honestly I could barely stand her, and I was completely certain of that. The only reason I even talked to her was because she was a good fuck. It makes me seem like a pig, but when you’re depressed, trust me, fucking is actually quite distracting.

“Nothing.” I told her, and she seemed put off, but she put on that smile that she thought was attractive soon enough, and then she was clinging to me as I walked, running her hands over my chest like I didn’t think she was disgusting.

“Oh, well, can I come to your room later tonight, after everyone’s asleep?” She asked quietly, and I sighed.

“I’m not in the mood, Ebe. I have a lot on my mind right now.” I said, irritated.

“I can put you in the mood, I bet.” She said, running her hand down to my crotch and playing with my flaccid groin through my pants.

“Honestly Ebe, I am not up for company, I just want to be alone.” I told her, pushed her away gently.

She looked offended, but then put a smile on her face. “Alright, well, if you do feel up to it, you know where to find me.” She said before walking off, swaying her hips in a way meant to be enticing. It wasn’t that I wasn’t up for company, a distraction would’ve been pleasant, I just wasn’t up for her company. I had just put my hand on the knob to my white room's door when Jinxx decided to make an appearance. He put his hand on my shoulder and I turned to face him.

“What’s up Jinxx?” I asked him, noting the frown that was already on his face, and the messiness of his hair.

“Andy, I guess you already know this, but you need to try and contact her again, at least find out which direction she went in, because we’re exhausted.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his face, “Not only that, but with the amount of food and water you said she took I don’t think she’ll last much longer.” He told me and I shook my head.

“Seven days, I told you, she’ll go seven days like this, that’s how long we have.” I told him, and he looked at me skeptically.

“How do you know that?” He asked, and I sighed.

“I don’t know, I just do.” I told him. “I’m going to talk to her right now.” I explained before going into my white room without another word to him.

I sat in the middle of my white room and slipped into my trance easily, but what I found made me very unhappy. The connection was blocked, half the line was there, the half on my side, but the half on her side had become an angry glowing red. She was blocking the connection again, but how! If I knew how she was blocking it, maybe I could unblock it. I took hold of the strand that connected us, and as I felt my consciousness fly up it I waited for the familiar blunt feeling of running into a wall when I got to that red half of the line. I tried to push through the connection anyway, but after five minutes I ended up with a headache that was absolutely massive. I laid down on the floor, not caring that it was hard and uncomfortable, and just meditated in the unusual position.

I slipped into another trance, this one invoking my own memories, rather than hers, and I let them play out in front of me like a movie.


“Hello,” I said to the unresponsive girl in my head. “Hello?” I asked again, and she finally answered.

“Who are you?” She asked me softly. She couldn’t have been more than ten years old, I wanted to ask my mother about it, but I couldn’t risk slipping out of the trance.

“I’m The Prophet.” I told her, and she seemed puzzled.

“Why are you in my head?” She asked. It was late, around ten in the evening, and luckily, maybe unluckily, she had been awake.

“I had to establish contact with you.” I told her, and she seemed skeptical.

“Why?” She asked, wondering if I was working for F.E.A.R. She didn’t trust F.E.A.R. and that brought a smile to my lips. This had to be the girl.

“Because, we’re going to help you escape one day.” I told her, and she got excited immediately.

“Really?”! She asked and I smiled.

“Yes, but not now, you’re going to have to wait a while. Do you think you can do that?” I asked her, and she seemed excited.

“Yes!” She said loudly, then I felt her embarrassment as she realized she’d done that aloud, quite loudly. She lowered her voice to a whisper “But, how are you in my head?” She asked me, and I just smiled.

“I’ll explain it to you another time. I have to go now, okay?”

“Alright.” She said, seemingly hesitant. She was afraid she was dreaming, and that if I left I’d never come back, because dreams don’t repeat themselves.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow night, alright?” I assured her.

“Alright.” She said, putting up a strong front, but with the connection to her mind I knew it was just a front.

“Good night, Ashley.” I whispered to her.

“Call me Ashtin.” She said suddenly, and I smiled.

“Alright, good night, Ashtin.”

“Good night, Prophet.”

And with that I slipped out of the trance.

“How did she take it?” Mom asked me, and I smiled.

“She took it really well. She was excited when I told her we were going to get her out.” I relayed, and she smiled at me.

“That’s good. Now go up to bed, you must be tired.” She laughed, mussing my hair. I grumbled and fixed it before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Good night, Mom.”

“Good night, Andy.”


I came out of the memory and was plunged into another one without my consent, this one still about Ashtin, but much more painful.


I was seeing things through her eyes, and like every time I popped in on her dreams she didn’t know that I was there. I watched as she turned around to look at the monster who was chasing her. I didn’t recognize it, but it was big and scary looking, and I knew by watching through her thoughts that it was intending on killing her.

She was running so fast she tripped over her own feet, not that it mattered. She was running straight for a pool of dark and thick liquid. The thing that had been chasing her took the form of one of her best friends, Jacob Jawskins, a punk if I ever knew one. He was laughing at her as she fell into the water, but it wasn’t water, it was too thick and sticky to be water, and had a current moving down, dragging her into it's deepest depths. I could see myself, standing to the side, looking at her with uncaring eyes, and a blank face.

“Prophet!” She cried out to me, reaching out as her face was nearly pulled under.

“PROPH-!” Her scream was cut off as the rest of her body was dragged beneath the surface and the last thing she saw was me, not caring about her, and letting her drown while she gasped in vain for air. This was the first time I’d ever seen this dream though, and I struggled to comprehend exactly what was going on. She couldn’t see, she couldn’t move, she was unable to breath, and she started panicking as she was dragged deeper down, and the pain in her lungs became to much to bear. She gasped in vain, hoping for air, but instead got a lung full of whatever sludge was surrounding her. Her last thought before the dream ended was.

“I knew he didn’t care about me.”


I was pulled out of the memory with so many questions, only to realize that it wasn’t my memory I was going through, it was hers. I slipped back into trance to find myself seeing through her eyes, seeing complete darkness that was slowly but surely lightening. She’d stopped to rest, probably not long ago, but her nightmare had woken her up.

“Get out of my head!” She screamed at me, and the next thing I knew I was slammed back into reality and the connection was blocked.

“I’ve never seen that dream before.” I whispered to myself while the question circled itself in my mind. Was she talking about me, or Jacob?

We both abandoned her.

We both told her she could trust us.

We both proved ourselves untrustworthy.

Maybe she was talking about both of you. That annoying subconscious told me, and I hated to admit it, but it was probably right. She thinks that I don’t care, that I never did. I felt my heart break a little bit at the thought of her believing she was all alone and always had been. If only she would listen to me.

But why should she? You’ve given her every reason not to. You abandoned her, and you let her suffer. Why should she listen to anything you’re saying?

I shook the voice out of my head and stood, going over to the door.

I hadn’t even left the room yet when Jinxx pounced. “Did you find out where she is?”

“No, she blocked the connection again.” I told him, not willing to go into detail. I knew he knew there was more to it than that, but hopefully he’d be smart enough not to ask. As I started back towards my room and he said nothing I figured he was smart enough not to ask about Ashtin, but did ask about something else.

“Why are your hands all cut up?” He questioned, and I looked down at my hands to realize they were covered in tiny cuts. It took me a second to register that it was probably from Juliet’s statue.

“I broke Juliet’s glass elephant, I must have cut myself picking up the pieces.” I said without looking at him. I continued walking without another glance at him. I could feel his sympathy rolling off of him in waves, but I didn’t want sympathy, I didn’t know what I wanted.

~~~
Four Days Later
~~~

This was it, the seventh day, I had to find her today, or she’d die. I’d spent all day in the white room, trying to push past the barrier between us, and the angry red line had gradually faded to a soft and lovely pink, and receded to nearly her side of the connection. I kept pushing, but it wouldn’t budge any further. I was tired, but I had learned the hard way that if I stopped pushing the block came back quickly, and after a fifteen minute break it had come back nearly full force. I continued to press against the pink that blocked our connection, and suddenly it broke and I fell into her thoughts.

“I’m going to die here.” She said with a croaky tone, collapsing on the cracked desert sand, no, this couldn’t be happening, she couldn’t die, not yet. We were going to find her, we had to find her. I hadn’t worked for the last five hours to open the connection again only to watch her die. She couldn’t die. I would never forgive myself if I let her die too.

“Ashtin,” I called out to her, not sure if she’d be able to hear me. “Ashtin where are you!?”

“I’m dying Prophet, it doesn’t matter where I am.” She said to me, and I started to panic, but I tried not to let it show in my voice as I tried to urge her to stay awake

“Ashtin, listen to me, you have to stay awake, alright. We’ve been looking for you, and we would’ve found you by now if you had just stopped moving.”

“You’re not real.” Her voice cracked. “You’re a hallucination. I’m going to die.” I felt pain in my heart as I realized that she’d given up. She’d fought as long as she could, and she had given up. I couldn’t let her give up. We had to find her, she couldn’t die, not like this.

“No, Ashtin, you aren’t going to die, now sit up, we’re looking for you, Ashtin, just sit up and wait for us, we’re coming.” I told her, begging her to stay awake, to stay with me, to let us find her.

“No one’s coming.” She was talking to herself, not to me, she was ignoring me, just like she had for the last four days. “I’m going to die.”

“Ashtin don’t give up! Just tell me where you are!” I screamed at her, and I heard the door of the white room open, but I forced myself to concentrate on her and ignore it. No one came in my white room, this could be a threat, but oh well, Ashtin was more important.

“I’m in the desert, surrounded by cracked sand, and I’m going to die.” She laughed. This was it, I was going to lose her. “There’s nothing left to do. At least I’ll die free.”

“Ashtin!” I screamed at her. “Ashtin listen to me! Ashtin, wake up, wake up damn it WAKE UP! ASHTIN!” I screamed as her tiny voice spoke for the last time.

“Goodbye.” She whispered gently, “It’s over.” And just like that the line disappeared.

I was pushed out of the trance and back into reality. Jinxx and Jake were standing over me looking concerned.

“She’s dead.” I said softly, tears in my eyes, I held them back, not wanting them to see me like this. “She’s dead.”

Jinxx looked at me with his face set into a hard line, and Jake looked sympathetic.

“You managed to push past the block?” Jinxx asked me and I nodded.

“At the last second it broke, and I watched her die.” I told him. “She was so tired. I- I couldn’t stop her. She just fell asleep and died.”

“There’s nothing you could’ve done, Andy.” Jinxx said, trying to comfort me, but he was wrong. If I had been stronger, had I managed to push past the block, I could’ve saved her. Had I told her I was still alive a long time she would’ve believed me, and I could’ve helped her escape, I could’ve sent someone to get her, she could be here right now! But she wasn’t and it was all my fault.

“I need to be alone.” I told them, but neither of them moved.

“I said I need to be alone!” I yelled at them, standing to my full height so I towered over them.

Jake moved back, and his face blanked, but Jinxx stood this ground.

“No, that would be a bad idea.” Jinxx said simply.

I pushed passed him and out the door, and I went the one place I promised myself I’d never go, not until she got here. I stepped into the room that should’ve been Ashtin’s and was surprised to find it clean, but I brushed it off and collapsed onto the bed that would’ve been hers if I hadn’t fucked up so majorly. It was my fault she was dead. It was my fault she was even in that situation. It was my fault that the plan was completely ruined. After years of planning the entire scheme had fallen apart in my hands, and it was my fault.

There was a soft knock on the door, but I ignored it as I cried silently into the pillow that would’ve been hers if I hadn’t fucked up.

When the knock came again and the door opened I looked up to see a tentative Amy poking her head inside.

“Prophet, someone’s trying to contact you on the satellite phone. They said to mention The Deceiver.”

I sprung up in and instant and made her point the way. She took me out to the Great Hall, through the kitchen and to the door that lead outside. Sitting there with the satellite phone in hand was Ashley, and beside him was CC.

“We’re telling you The Prophet is dead, just tell us what you know about The Deceiver!” Ashley yelled at the person over the phone.

The voice over the phone was cold and creepy sounding as it laughed a bitter and content laugh. “The Deceiver is not dead, though she will be soon, but before that happens she’ll tell us the truth about your Prophet, and everyone in the Legion. She’ll die before you find her, but not before we find you. In fact, I think I’ll let her watch me kill her precious Prophet.” The voice laughed that same bone chilling laugh again before hanging up.

“Prophet.” Amy said, looking at me with trust and determination. “We have to find her.”

“We will.” I told the little girl who I had never seen looking so fierce. “We will find her.” I looked to Ashley and CC. “CC, tell Ebe to get to work tracking the signal for that phone. Ashley, round up everyone that’s still out and convene in the Great Hall by noon.” I told them, and they went off. “Amy, I need you to do something very important for me.” I told her, and she nodded. “Get everyone that isn’t working into the weapons room and tell them to start sharpening blades, loading guns, and preparing magazines. I have the feeling that we’re going to have to fight to get her back.”

She nodded and ran off in search of people while I went to my white room. The connection had broken, I had felt it break, so how could she still be alive? There was no way, was there? Unless they resuscitated her, which I doubt. But she was so important, and they’re using her to get to me-

They’re using her to get to me.

What are they going to do to her? Are they going to hurt her? Torture her? Worse…?

This is still my fault! Everything bad that’s happening to her is because of my mistakes! I felt like tearing something to shreds until the little voice of my subconscious niggled me in the back of my mind.

At least she isn’t dead.

That was true, at least she wasn’t dead, but what if they did something worse to her. That guy on the phone he’d been so… emotionless. How could anyone talk so plainly about killing and torturing someone? He couldn’t have been all there, and even if he was… He’d show her no mercy.

But by the end of this she might wish she was.

Notes

What did I say? Look how long this junk is! Like seriously... And Ashtin is dead...? I don't know, she might be, maybe she's a vampire now, lol. Anyway, tell me what you think about creepy buy on the phone. I was going to introduce you to the character, but then i decided that the creepy monologue I had planned out was better suited for Ashtin than for Andy, so he's going to tell Ashtin all about his crazy plan and then you'll get to meet him. I'll post a picture and a character description when I post the next update, but until then I'll just leave you hanging, because I am the number one biotch XD

Thanks for reading
Stay lovely
♥ Ashtin