Wretchedly Divine (Gasping for Air)

I was never satisfied with the way that things were in our society, not even when I was young. I always held great amounts of apprehension towards F.E.A.R. I never really wanted to have the things that F.E.A.R. said were so wonderful, even as a child. The picture perfect life following F.E.A.R. just didn’t appeal to me, but I never said anything. I learned at an early age as I watched my fellow classmates get beaten for undermining F.E.A.R. that I could do little to stop F.E.A.R., at an early age I came to terms with the knowledge that no matter how much I hated it F.E.A.R. would never change.

I stayed silent about my own hatred for F.E.A.R. and flew beneath their radar. I was always a good child. I went to church and never fussed about it. I ate my vegetable and healthy foods without hesitation. I paid attention when The Voice came on to make an announcement either over the intercom or on the medium sized television in the living room. I was never late for an appointment with my counselor, and I always spoke highly of F.E.A.R… around other people.

My parents thought I was on the road to greatness, and high rankings in F.E.A.R. maybe even the first female Minister, or General, or even Voice. I told them that I’d do whatever F.E.A.R. wanted me to, because F.E.A.R. knew best. I didn’t believe a word of it. I spoke the words so automatically that the lie no longer phased me, and it always came off as truthful, no matter the disdain I felt for F.E.A.R. I attended church, and frequently read from the Holy Book. As far as any of the adults were aware I was one of F.E.A.R.’s biggest advocates.

There was one man who knew my secret, but he was either dead, or long gone.

There was one man who I shared my deepest and darkest desire with, and he left me, stranded me in this desolate prison.

There was one man who I gave my heart and every other part of me to, and he abandoned me.
Of all the people in the world there was only one person who I ever shared my disdain of F.E.A.R. with. There was only one man whose shoulder I could cry on. There was only one man who I could count on, but apparently I couldn’t count enough on him.

Six months ago my secret boyfriend Jacob Jawskins left me in this prison to rot, and escaped to the outside without leaving me as much as a note explaining his actions. I know what you’re thinking. Maybe he didn’t escape, but I knew he did, because we had talked about it the night before, talked about how we would run away together one day.

I still remember the night in perfect detail.

We were sitting on a roof overlooking the Main Complex, where the politicians lived, those who had a hand in F.E.A.R.’s government and their families all lived in the wealthiest and most well-guarded part of town. We sat on the roof of a Mundane building. We were silent for a long time as we looked past the roofs of the Main Complex homes and past the slums to the wall that hid us from the rest of the world.

We stared at it, like we always did, thinking silently what we knew we were each thinking about.
Escape.

It wasn’t impossible; it had been done before, but never by someone who lived in the main complex. People in the slums often escaped, and even those in the Mundane Complex managed to escape occasionally, but escape attempts weren’t even made by those living in the Main Complex. The thought they had it good, living a life of lies and obedience, they thought that the government, the church, F.E.A.R. was good. So few people looked past the traditional comforts and saw what lay beneath. A prison cell keeping captive all creativity, and free thinking. They said that we were creative, but we all created the same thing, different opinions weren’t tolerated, free thinking consisted of having a positive opinion of F.E.A.R. and sharing it with the rest of the city. There was no liberty in the city.

I went along with it, I always played the perfect F.E.A.R. child, because what else could I do? I was left more to my own devices as a lover of F.E.A.R. than I would’ve been as a hater of F.E.A.R., especially considering my father’s position. Had there ever been even the slightest suspicion of my allegiance I would’ve been under twenty-four hour surveillance. I knew this, because when we were thirteen Jacob had expressed doubt in F.E.A.R., and had been under surveillance for the next year.

There was no way to directly defy F.E.A.R., as I tried to tell him. The only way to defy F.E.A.R. was sneakily and underhandedly. That was the only way to take F.E.A.R. down, to get around their laws and restrictions, with deceit.

Jacob had always preferred a blunt approach to things.

I sighed as I fell backwards on my bed, stretching like my muscles were sore, when in actuality I was thinking, and I was not happy with my thoughts. I knew what I had to do the next day. I’d been planning for months, and the next day would be my moment of truth, but I couldn’t help but feel like something was going to go terribly wrong. It seemed every time a good thing happened in my life, or an opportunity for happiness arose it ended up being fate’s cruel version of a sick joke.

I shook my head out, and thought of the only thing that kept me going, the single phrase and set of words that kept me whole when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

“The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you, not in a mansion of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and God is there, lift a stone and you will find God.”
I wanted there to be a God, a being looking out for the poor and wretched, but I knew that if there was a God, it wasn’t the one that we were “worshiping.” I knew better than that, I knew more than that. I had been told by The Prophet himself, that there was no God in F.E.A.R.

Notes

Hi ^-^ this is my first ever BVB fan fiction, just in case you care XD I am notorious for going off the grid, and I'd just like to make a quick statement, this is probably going to have nothing to do with Legion of the Black or Wretched and Divine: The Story of the Wild Ones. If it does it will be very loosely.

I've basically made up a bunch of characters, and put them in a world where F.E.A.R. and The Wild Ones exist, and had at it. I was going to try and base it off the album and tell the story like that but... we'll see how that goes. Anyway, if you read all this, you're the best, and I hope you enjoyed the fruits of my imagination, and if you feel the need to correct me on something, please do. I'll happily accept it. ^-^
Ciao, *enthusiastic wave*
Ashtin