Love And Other Drugs

The mirror before her showed a very made up girl who had a pretty sad look on her face. Luxe placed the cool and waxy lipstick against her lips, the red color being replenished and she rubbed her lips together and then checked to make sure there wasn't a trace of it on her teeth.

Baltimore Maryland was cold-it was December 18th and there was a small bit of snow on the ground outside.

Of course it was nothing like the snowstorm they had gone through just a few days before, but Luxe shivered none the less. Tonight was a strange night-they could all feel it and it was evident as even the other girls in the room were near silent. There would be no partying tonight-no drinking and no laughter. Today had been the day-Luxe's father had been laid to rest and the singer didn't really know how she was supposed to feel.

Sadness

Depression

Anger

Relief

It was all so confusing to her and Andy wasn't really helping. He thought he was helping by hovering over her, making sure she was okay every few minutes and even rubbing her shoulders as she applied her eye makeup. It was sweet and Luxe was more than grateful-Andy was a great guy who loved her after all-but she needed space. She needed time with her thoughts and she knew that tonight she needed to sing.

After her fight with Andy and the girls about attending her father's funeral, Luxe had holed up in the back lounge and didn't leave until she'd had everything perfected. Of course there was still the musical parts that needed to be written and the song would change once they recorded it this summer, but Luxe knew she had the perfect song written to describe her feelings towards her father and the life he had lived.

Luxe finished with her lipstick and turned to face the room before her, sighing as she realized that everyone was staring at her. Their eyes darted around, but she had seen them and Luxe became angry all over again. It was like they were waiting for her to fuck it up-they were waiting for her to fall down and one of them would have to pick her back up again.

She had been tempted, but Luxe had done her breathing exercises, her silent moments and then she felt better.

It just wasn't enough for Andy, Char, Pixie, Lulu or Mads.

They saw her as a ticking time bomb that was going to explode any moment and it was irritating. Luxe only growled as she pushed past Andy, not even bothering to apologize or stop as he called after her. Luxe found herself weaving through the hallways, passing by Alex and Jack who called out to her, but she ignored them too. The venue was cold-they still had the back doors open to load in their things and Luxe rubbed at her arms, her fingers grazing over the still fading track marks.

God, she had been more like him than she had thought and suddenly Luxe found herself biting back tears. No-no you can't do this right now. You are not allowed to fall apart right now, ten minutes before stage time and over a man who never loved you.

Luxe told herself this, silently, over and over again until it became a mantra. She was seated on one of the guitar carriages, her jean clad legs swinging back and forth as she picked at her nails that rested in her lap. Her head was facing towards the floor and Luxe only looked up when she sensed someone standing in front of her.

The shoes were perfect, shining leather-so she knew immediately that Andy wasn't standing in front of her. Luxe's eyes traveled up the legs that were wearing jeans that cost more than her entire wardrobe, a shirt that was perfectly aged and probably wasn't authentically vintage, the smirk on those perfect lips and then there was the hair. Black hair that was perfectly spiked, not one hair out of place.

Alex McFadden was standing in front of her and Luxe tried to hold back her groan.


"What do you want Alex?" Luxe asked as she looked at her music manager and tried to keep her tone level. Alex always made Luxe angry-he probably always would.

"Whatcha doin?" Alex asked, moving to sit beside Luxe. This was strange-Alex was not only being nice to her, something Luxe thought was physically impossible, but he was also sitting beside her instead of hovering near her like a mother hen.

"Sitting here. Probably going to warm up soon." Luxe said as she began to play with one of the many rings on her fingers. Alex cleared his throat, causing Luxe to look up and meet his gaze.

"Oh. Sounds good..." Alex said but stopped as he saw the look on Luxe's face. She knew he was here for a reason, but it wasn't the reason she thought it was. Alex had never tried to get close to these girls-he silently stood by as they damaged themselves and then jumped in with his checkbook and saved the day.

"What do you want Alex? Need to make sure I'm not falling off any wagons? Trust me-I'm not that stupid." Luxe said with venom in her voice and Alex only sighed. He hadn't even thought about that actually, but it made sense why all of the other girls had been hovering over their singer like mother ducks.

"Actually I was just coming to see if you needed anything. I know this is probably hard for you-I lost my dad when I was twenty." He stated, a kind smile on his lips and Luxe thought she had fallen and hit her head. Since was Alex ever this nice to her or this personable?

"O-oh. I didn't know that." Luxe said stupidly. Looking around she could tell that everyone was starting to get ready for the Dolls to hit the stage-she could hear Pixie's laugh getting closer and closer.

"Yeah, he died of a heart attack at work. I remember I was away at college and my roommate came rushing in to my Bio class. All I remember was the look on his face and I knew-my dad was gone." The manager said and suddenly Luxe felt really bad for Alex. Maybe losing his dad at such a young age had made the manager in to the hard ass that he was.

"I'm sure it was rough. My dad wasn't all that great, so I guess it's not the same." She said and Alex only looked at her with pity in his eyes. Luxe was an amazing person and it was a shame that she had gone her entire life feeling so unloved.

"It's the same. You don't feel it now and you may not feel it until you're fifty with your own kids running around, but one day you will realize that it is the same." He said before getting up, patting her on the shoulder and then disappearing around the corner.


Luxe stayed seated where she was, not sure of what just happened but she knew it was probably never going to occur again. While seated, she went up and down in her scales, her voice only cracking once when she thought back to her fifth birthday and remembered how excited she had been when he father had given her a bike.

The memory faded once Luxe realized that her father had given her that bike, but had never sobered up enough to actually teach her how to ride it.

Making her way to the stage, Luxe stopped as she saw Andy standing there, leaning up against a speaker box as he hid in the wings and looked out at the crowd. She knew it was strange for him to be near a stage and not get out there and perform on it, but Luxe also knew he was enjoying the break. The girls were all standing around, their instruments hanging from their shoulders as they all tuned in and waited for the five minute call.


"You okay?" Andy asked as Luxe stood beside him, her eyes darting around to take the crowd in. The room was buzzing with excitement and Luxe smiled as she tucked her hair behind her ears and held her dead mic in her hands.

"Fine." She stated, turning to face him. Her lips were held in a tight smile and Andy knew it was all a lie.

"Luce..." Andy said as the twenty second warning was called out.

"I said I'm fine Andy and I am. I'll see you when I get off stage." She said, kissing his cheek quickly as the other girls rushed past her. Luxe flipped her hair, getting it out of her face as she ran out on to the stage and began to jump around.


Being on stage was like a drug to Luxe and as she ran around, singing until her lungs burned and urging the crowd to do the same, she knew that this was the best medicine. The girls all played their hearts out and Luxe liked to think that they were playing so hard to keep their singer's momentum going.

The hard part was coming and as Luxe finished I Miss The Misery, she knew she needed to think about what she wanted to say to this collected group. How could she express her disappointment in a man who had never been there for her, without bursting in to tears?

Finally the moment had come-Luxe was seated on a three legged stool with Char at her side, an acoustic guitar in her hands.


"How're you guys doing tonight?" Luxe asked, trying to catch her breath as she pulled the mic stand closer to her. The crowd called out to her and Luxe only smiled as she looked to the side of the stage. Andy was standing there, his arms crossed but his smile was an easy going one.

"Awesome. This next song is a new one that we're working on for the album, but I didn't want to make you guys wait that long." Luxe said, stopping as she inhaled a deep breath.

"Now some of you may know, but most of you don't-that I lost my father about a week ago." She said and the crowd all gasped in their grief for her. Luxe only smiled, shaking her head softly before speaking again.

"Don't get all sad on me now. My father was not a great man-he was never there for me when I needed him and even when he was there he was never sober enough to care about me. This song is for him and it's for all of the other father's out there in the world who have let you guys down. If you can relate to this song, then please put your hands in the air and wave them back and forth. This is Let Me Down." Luxe said, her voice wavering but she managed to get the first few words out without bursting in to tears.


I'm sick of the way that you pushed me away
When the times got tough you jumped ship
A disease you couldn't come to grips with
A daughter with dreams bigger than this

You tried to bury me just like the past
But it won't stay dead for long
I wanna hear you finally admit you're wrong
But if I give you the chance
You'll let me down
You'll let me down
Your guilt won't save you now
From six feet underground
You'll let me down
You'll let me down
Maybe it's for the best you don't come around


As Luxe sang, she looked up and out towards the crowd, tears falling down her cheeks as she noticed all the hands in the air. She wasn't alone and she knew she would never be again.

Notes

Let Me Down, by New Years Day, means the world to me and thankfully this past summer I was able to have a private moment with Ash Costello to tell her this. We cried together as we both seemed to realize that even though we feel like we are...we're never truly alone in this world when it comes to tales of abandoned fathers.

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Let Me Down is owned by New Years Day