For Children of Sands

I don’t wanna to breathe I don’t want to die
I can’t feel I’m paralyzed
I’m not taking this tonight
Give me back my life
I can’t breathe I can’t fight
I don’t wanna feel like I’m alive
I’m not taking this tonight
Give me back my life

The stereotypical cliches of romantic movies that as when the light hits them at the specific angle you will fall in love… didn’t seem as ridiculous anymore. Maybe it was just the atmosphere that the setting sun had created on this summers day that it made everything else seem too perfect, too joyful. Every imperfection, even the smallest detail seemed perfect. Never ending.

It must be her voice, Andy thought. The lullaby that should never weather away, the one that should never end. Maybe it was her smile, how honest it is. Like the perfect summers day.

Every time Andy began to lag behind Juliet as if he was drifting away in a dream she would laugh, lace their fingers together and pull him along. “C’mon! We won’t even get there by winter at the pace you’re going!” Juliet chimed in her lullaby voice as she pulled him again.

“Where are we going?”Andy asked. He remembered this park well, just on the edge of Los Angeles, away from the commotion of the city, a precious paradise that he and Juliet found. It seemed so beautiful on this summers day. Too perfect.

“You will see, in time.” Juliet explained. “Or maybe you won’t at all seeing how slow you are.” she teased and smiled back at him. "Aren't you supposed to be a hurry, being my white rabbit and all."

They began to make their way up hill, the wind began to pick up, whipping Juliet’s hair around her, but it was just as warm. Somewhere above, winds chased each other through leaves, somewhere in the distance life rushed by in metal and plastic casings. It felt isolated, but safe and peaceful.

When they finally reached the flat ground atop the hill Juliet clasped her small delicate hands over Andy’s eyes and said: “One moment!” She turned him to an exact position. “On the count of three, tell me that this is not the most perfect view. One… two… three!”

It took a moment for Andy to adjust to the light once Juliet unclasped her hands but when he did the sight of the Los Angeles city in the setting sun shimmering like a perfect diamond took his breath away. This was home; This city, this summer and his Juliet by his side.

“Perfect, huh?” Juliet spoke in awe, but there was something not quiet right with her voice. Something was not quiet in tune.

He turned to stroke her cheek and agree with her, it was then Andy noticed the wash of red over Juliet’s skin. Blood was dripping down the side of her head which was turned away from Andy, it kept on travelling down her neck and over her too perfect skin, soaking into the thin white material of her shirt.

Juliet then turned to him, her full lips still stretched in a smile and her eyes glowing with joy despite that her skull was a shattered mess of fragile bone and blood. A wound that should have killed her. A wound that Andy had caused.

“Perfect. Don’t you think so?” Juliet asked in worry, ignorant to the gore that Andy was witnessing. Still alive, still moving. So innocent and so alive.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to run, but all Andy could do is look down on Juliet and wish that he could beg for forgiveness. Collapse to his knees and beg her to forgive him. Sorry that they couldn’t spend the rest of their lives together, sorry that he couldn’t give Juliet all she deserved, sorry that it all ended this way. Sorry. I’m so sorry.

“Andy!” A voice calling for him, familiar, comforting, but too distant.

Juliet was still there, her expression growing more worried and confused by the moment as she takes a step toward Andy.

“Andy!” There it is again.

“Andy! Wake. Up.” Stern, commanding, familiar. Each word causing the perfect world to lose detail.

“It’s just a dream, Andy.” Ashley? Was it really his Ashley?

Juliet, she is gone. Dead. Three years have passed. Maybe it’s time to let go.

“It’s just a dream.”

With that last word, that last blow, the perfect world fell apart. Los Angeles. Gone. Juliet. Gone. It all fell apart into grey dust, a distant memory of somewhere at some other time. Too far away to touch.

“A- Ash?” He finally found his voice as he struggled to return to reality.

“Wake up, Andy.” It was a stern command, replacing the pleas, the echoing words from Juliet. “Wake up.”

With a final attempt to escape the nightmare Andy forced his eyes open. He fell into a unfocused blurred world, like a child which had just been born. When he looked up he saw a pair of warm brown eyes staring back down onto him in worry. There were gentle hands coaxing through his hair, it was an old familiar comforting gesture.

“It’s okay, you are safe.” Ash murmured again, his warm breath brushing over Andy’s skin.

The realisation in what position the two men were, fell down on Andy like ice cold water. He reeled up from the tangled sheets, wide eyed and confused. “What were you doing in here?” Andy chocked out.

“You were screaming so I came to check on you and then well…” Ashley looked down with a scoff. Andy was clutching onto Ashley’s shirt as if it was a safety line, the only connection to life. “I mean, I get it, we all get scared.” Ash tightened his arms around Andy.

It took a moment for Andy to finally unclench his hands from Ashley’s shirt. He flexed his stiff fingers, his palms became red from the tension. “Sorry, I just-“

“It’s alright.” Ash reassured. “Do you want to talk about it? The dream, I mean.” slowly rubbing his hand up and down Andy’s back.

Andy thought for a moment. The dream. Juliet. The perfect summer day which never came. “No.” Weakly Andy answered. He felt scalding tears stream down his hot skin. Why the tears? Why was he crying over the past? The past is the past. It is made to be forgotten. Why couldn’t he just live in the moment, without regrets, without the need to seek forgiveness and change. Just live in the moment.

Andy was pulled back roughly back out of his thoughts as he felt a soft sure press against his lips, it was Ash, holding him close, kissing him like there was their final day on earth. He wanted to protest, to shift away but behind Andy was only the solid brick wall and in front was Ashley who was blocking his exit from the sides by placing his hands on the wall either side of Andy’s shoulders and who was pulling him closer, kissing him deeper.

Andy felt a war raging between the memory of the dream and the reality of Ash here and now.

As Andy finally began to return the kiss willingly he found himself ready to forget, he forgot the summers day that never came, he began to forget her voice, her pleas. It’s time to move on.

They finally began to unwillingly to pull apart, there was commotion outside and the sun was already high in the sky.

“We better get going.” Ash whispered before pressing another soft kiss and pulling Andy close kissing his head gently then turning to walk out of the room.

I know I’m a walking contradiction
I’m the truth that you wish was fiction
And this heart isn’t known to hate me
I just want to disappear
I’ve been on a self-inflicted mission
To destroy everything I’m given
Thank God that you finally found me
Cause you got to get me out of here

Notes