It was Monday. How I hated Mondays.

Two more weeks until shit went down.

The mission seemed to hang over my head like something full of fright and excitement. I was scared out of my mind yet I couldn't wait for the mission to commence. I sat next to Amy, who was texting Ashley. I once looked over Amy's shoulder and saw some NASTY things. Apparently Ashley really did have a purdy mind.

It was three days after the incident.

I was still with Ronnie.

I remember waking up screaming and Amy hugging me, telling me everything was going to be alright. I had told her everything then, how he had pinned me down and tore apart my shirt. The whole time whispering "my little angel I love you" while I screamed, trying to hope someone would hear me through the soundproof walls.

I had begged and pleaded with Ashley and Amy to keep what he did to me a secret. Besides he didn't remember a thing.

Luckily he hadn't gone all the way before he passed out, or I would be worrying about the possibility of being pregnant.

They probably thought I was just too in love with him to let him go but I wasn't. I couldn't love him. Especially after what he did to me. I lost all respect for him. I hated him! But that couldn't stop my fear.

I couldn't keep the thoughts from the back of my head that if I broke up with him and he got drunk again, well, it wouldn't be a pretty picture.

As for a cover story of how he ended up in my room, I told him I let him sleep there because he was drunk, and I slept at Amy's to give him privacy.

For the past three days all I did at night was cry. I couldn't sleep. Ronnie had told me he loved me every night before I went to sleep and I always replied that I loved him too and resist the urge to vomit.

I looked over at blue-eyes then quickly looked away. For some reason all I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. That I was okay.

But he obviously didn't care about me.

He seemed to have softened up a bit after what happened. I wonder if Ashley told him. If Ashley did tell him then Amy wouldn't have a boyfriend for long.

I had to be strong. I had to fight. I had to be able to cope with the future, and let go of the past.

Frank Iero stepped into the room. Because he was our groups leader we began discussing various battle strategies.

Let go of the past.

I.... Couldn't.

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I just stared at her. She had a beautiful little body, with pale skin. She had perfect green eyes that I just wanted to get lost in. Half of me wanted her to see me stare at her yet half of me didn't. The intelligent part of my brain knew she was in love with Ronnie, even after the things he did to her.

Those...unspeakable things.

I would make him wish he was dead, he just had to wait and see.

Sick fantasies of how I would torture him swirled around in my brain. I smiled.

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I looked at my still bruised body in my bathroom mirror. It was the middle of the night, I looked down.

I stared at the blade and bit my lip nervously.

An old habit.

I had quit the night Andy found me, in the middle of the Gray. I wanted to show him I was strong, and I wouldn't break.

I couldn't break. I would not break.

Before I could make my decision I was on the floor, clutching my head and screaming in agony. Memories of what happened, from when the gray took over, to the recent incident flooded my brain. I re-watched the color of my mother's eyes fade to Gray when the drug took her over. Same with my dad.

Then I remembered my fake brother lying about me to my fake parents, saying that I had been wearing clothing from the "unclean" world. My fake parents had taken me to the living room and then beaten me with a metal bat. I was lucky they didn't break any bones.

Suddenly my mind went to the needle slipping into my arm, and then my vision blurring into pain. Horrible pain with hallucinations of everything I loved dying in the most horrific way possible.

I didn't realize I was now curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth as the hallucinations overtook my brain.

Then it was suddenly Ronnie, smirking at me, saying "you're so lovely my angel" as he stared over my body, waiting to see how he could hurt me the most. His eyes, filled with lust, and....insane.

And then it was quiet. I was laying on the bathroom floor covered in sweat. Apparently I had been sobbing and my throat felt scratchy so I had probably been screaming too. Not that anyone cared of course.

I stood up and walked to my phone. A text from Ronnie was on it.

Ronnie: lol you are gonna hate me 4 this but I can't stop thinking about me...and you...alone..
Me: are you trying to imply something here?

Fear arose in my heart as the realization of what he was asking struck. He thought I wanted him.

Ronnie: yes. I'm implying a lot of things. Wanna guess

I felt sick. He was trying to be sexy.

Me: I need to go to sleep
Ronnie: it's only 5?
Me: oh
Ronnie: what's up babe?

I hated when he called me that.

Me: nothin
Ronnie: is someone on their period?
Me: NOPE
Ronnie: I'll take that as a yes! Jk I love you!
Me: I love you too

I threw my phone across my bed then ran to the bathroom at those words. WHY DID I HAVE TO LIE!!! WHY WAS I STUCK IN THIS SITUATION?!?!?!?

I picked up the blade.

And sliced the words "worthless lying slut" into my arm.

Then on the other I cut "I don't love you".

Then I washed the blood away, threw the blade in the trash, and swore never to do what I just did again.

I had to be strong.

Notes

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