Andy’s point of view

June used to be my favourite month. It used to remind me of warmth, friendship and happiness. Used to. Now, I realised as I stared at myself in my bathroom mirror, it would forever remind me of loss. Loss of love, loss of friendships, Sandra.

Sandra.

It was almost impossible to believe that the night she was killed I had only spoken to her hours before. It killed me to think that I was possibly the last person to talk to her. I didn’t want to believe I was, but who else could have spoken to her after she left us to go home? Sandra only really had us as friends. The realisation that I was probably the very last person to have spoken to her sent a sharp pain searing through my already shattered heart.

A knock at my door interrupted my thoughts and I quickly wiped away a tear I didn’t know had fallen.

“Yeah?” I weakly choked out and went back to fixing the tie I had completely forgotten about. Suddenly warm, sturdy hands wrapped around my waist and I inhaled the smell of my Ashley.

“Your mum sent me up here to see if you were almost ready.”

I just shrugged in response, not trusting my voice. I saw Ashley’s reflection smile weakly before he gently removed my shaking fingers from my tie and turned me around.

I stood in silence for a few seconds as Ashley’s fingers delicately tied my tie.

“Nothing is going to be the same ever again.” I whispered to the ground. Ashley’s fingers froze momentarily before he finished the knot and smoothed the tie down. He took a small step back to admire his work.

“I know.”

“At least your parents are letting you stay for the funeral.” I said, my voice more harsh than I meant to.

“Yeah. Dad’s boss was very understanding when he told him he had to delay the flight.”

I let out a sharp, humorless laugh, causing Ashley to flinch. I sighed and stepped forward to wrap him in a hug.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered into his hair. “It’s just, today sucks. You’re leaving tonight, it’s Sandra’s…” My voice broke off.

“I know baby. I know.” Ash replied in a soft voice.

“Andy, Ashley?” My mum asked from my doorway. I slowly broke apart from Ashley and looked over to her, not even bothering to hide the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. “Are you guys ready? Everyone is here and waiting for us.”

I raised my eyebrows slightly. “Everyone?”

Mum paused. “Well. Sandra’s parents decided to just meet us at the church instead of coming here first.”

I gave a quiet snort as Mum walked out of the room. It wasn’t a secret that Sandra’s mum and dad blamed Jinxx, Jake, CC, Ashley, and, most of all, me for their daughter’s death. Thinking about it though, I couldn’t exactly blame them. After all, if it weren’t for us she wouldn’t have been out late. If it weren’t for the fact that we had more people than seats in my car, I could have driven her home. If I had been able to drive her, she wouldn’t have been walking home. A car wouldn’t have hit her, and she wouldn’t have been dead before the driver even had a chance to call the police.

“Andy?” Ash whispered. I focused my gaze onto his worried face. I reached over and grabbed his hand. I didn’t even bother to give him a fake smile.

“Ready?” I asked.

“No.”

I couldn’t have agreed more.

--------

Ashley and I walked slowly down the stairs, hand in hand, and into the kitchen where everyone was sitting. Jinxx and Jake both sat motionlessly staring at their hands while their parents’ quietly chatted with Mum, Dad, and Ash’s parents. CC was quietly sobbing in the corner, his mum had him wrapped into a hug while his dad awkwardly rubbed his back. Part of me wanted to go over and comfort him, but another part of me didn’t want to interrupt his own private moment of grieving. And yet another part of me couldn’t bring myself to do anything except hold tightly onto Ashes’ hand.

I don’t know how long Ashley and I stood in our corner of protection, but it felt like seconds before Mum checked the time and began to politely usher everyone out the door. There was a bit of confusion about who was getting into what car, and who was driving said car, but I just ignored it all and climbed into the back of Mum’s van, awkwardly trying to keep a firm grasp on Ashes’ hand the entire time. The thought of not having him touching me in someway for even just a second was unbelievably painful. It was him and him alone that was helping me get through this. He was the only thing keeping me together, and I knew that if it wasn’t for him I would have cracked and shattered into a million pieces the moment I heard about Sandra.

Although I would never voice these feelings out loud, Ashley seemed to know exactly what I was thinking. From the moment he awkwardly got into the van and struggled to buckle up, his hand was tightly wrapped in mine, his thumb drawing soft invisible circles on my skin.

A couple of other people climbed into the van, but I didn’t care enough to notice who. I just shifted so that I was as close to Ashley as my seatbelt would allow and rested my head against his shoulder. As he pressed his lips against my head, I allowed a thick fog to wrap itself around my brain, pulling me down into a sea of sorrow, pain, and loss.

--------

When the fog finally lifted I found myself standing next to the hole that was now Sandra’s resting place. I knew that Ashley was standing next to me because I could feel his warm hand in my cold one, but that was all I knew for sure. I had no idea where my friends or parents were; I didn’t even know how long I had been standing next to the half buried coffin that held my dead best friend. The service and the burial were also a blur, and whenever I tried to remember the details, the already faded memories would fade even more. It was like trying to remember a dream upon waking up.

I did remember some things though, but everything that I remembered seemed unimportant. They could have held meaning once, but not now that the memories were all fragmented and jumbled.

I remembered that I had never let go of Ashley’s hand once.

I remembered seeing a guy from school, a guy that Sandra probably had not even known, and thinking, “Sandra would probably really hate some asshole being here” And then realised that it didn’t matter because Sandra was dead.

I remembered walking up to Sandra’s parents to offer words of comfort. Her mother was crying - her eyes puffy and red, her eyeliner running down her face. Her father was silently staring at nothing, his eyes unfocused and his face unreadable. When I had finished talking, Sandra’s mum nodded once without looking at me. Her father hadn’t even acknowledged me. Ashley had said nothing to them the entire time. The entire time I was talking to Sandra’s parents he had been staring at his shoes, his hand holding tightly onto mine to the point of pain.

Most vividly of all, though, I remembered tears. A lot of tears.

I looked around me, the June sun uncomfortably hot against my back. There were a few people who were making their way back to their cars. Others were gathering in small groups to talk quietly or, more commonly, cry. I found myself watching a girl a few years older than me cry opening on an older man’s shoulder. I tore my gaze away and looked at Ashley. He felt my gaze on him and glanced away from Sandra’s grave, his eyes resting on my face.

His eyes were red and extremely puffy, but also dry, which made me uncomfortably aware of the tears still streaming down my face. I used the hand that wasn’t clinging onto Ashley to wipe them away, although I knew all too well that there wasn’t much of a point considering I was still crying. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to stop

I swallowed a sob and looked away, blinking rapidly. My eye scanned the field of graves as I tried to ignore Ashley’s stare.

“You know, things will get better.” He said after a moment, his voice thick with the unshed tears. I let out a halfhearted snort that made Ashley chuckle quietly.

“I said things will get better, Andy. Not that things will be perfect.”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t have anything to say. There wasn’t anything to say because he was wrong. How could anything ever get better after today? They day when I had to not only say a final goodbye to one of my best friends, but also say goodbye to Ashley.

“Andy,” Ashley began, his voice low and even. It was like he knew what was coming before I even did.

“No, Ashley, don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare ‘Andy’ me.” I shouted. “How can things be okay, Ashley? How? Sandra is dead. Do you get that? She’s dead and she’s never coming back. How the fuck can things be okay? And you’re fucking leaving in a few fucking hours! I’m never going to see you again, Ashley, never. Sandra is dead and gone and I’m never going to see her again. And in a few hours, Ash, it’s going to be like you’re dead too.” My voice cracked and I broke down sobbing, finally tearing my hand away from Ashley’s.

Warm, sure arms wrapped themselves around me. I resisted for a moment, but then gave in and sank into him, burying my face in his shirt. Ashley rested his cheek against the top of my head, a little sob escaping his lips. It took me a second before I realised he was crying too.

Standing there, sobbing next to the grave of my dead friend, wrapped in the embrace of my boyfriend, I realised something I should have figured out a long time ago. As much as I loved Jinxx, I realised that I loved Ashley more. Jinxx was there for me when no one else was, and for a time he really was my everything. However, amazing as Jinxx was, he wasn’t Ashley. There was someone out there for Jinxx, someone actually worthy of his love, and Jinxx would make them feel everything that Ashley made me feel, but I wasn’t that someone. I couldn’t be that someone when I knew I would forever be in love with Ashley. Jinxx didn’t deserve that.

I wrapped my arms tightly around Ashley and he hugged me closer, his crying louder. We stood there for what felt like eternity - sobbing for Sandra, for us, and for everything that we had ever or would ever lose.

---------

“Well, we agreed that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work so, Andy, it isn’t you, it’s me.”

I smiled weakly at Ashley’s attempt of a joke and he smile softly back, his eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over at any moment.

“The ‘it’s not you, its me’ line? Really Ashley?”

“It’s the best I got!” He protested. I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, fine. You break up with me then.” He said.

“Hm, alright.” I thought for a moment. “How about, ‘I now pronounce you dumped and single, you may now kiss my ass’?”

“Hey!”

I laughed as he playfully punched my arm. I caught his gaze and my smile faded.

“We’ll keep in contact, Brighteyes.” He whispered as he pulled me into a hug. I nodded and hugged him back.

“Ashley? We’ve got to go. The line to get passed security is pretty long and your mother is getting paranoid we’ll miss the flight.”

Tears filled my eyes and I struggled to repress the urge to scream and cry.

“Okay,” Ashley whispered, his voice cracking.

He hugged me tighter, but I pulled away. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a couple sheets of folded up and slightly crumpled paper.

“Read this later, okay?” I said, pressing it into his palm.

“Okay,” He whispered. He pulled me in close and brushed his lips against mine, kissing me softly. I quickly pressed my lips against his, deepening the kiss. I put all the love and pain I felt into the kiss, tears running down my face.

Reluctantly, we pulled away. I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, trying to memorise his scent.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you, too.”

And just like that, with one last hug and one last kiss, I was forced to watch the love of my life walk away, knowing full well that I would never, ever be whole again.

Nothing would ever be okay again.


Ashley’s point of view

I rubbed my tired, sore eyes and sighed. Everyone else on the plane was sleeping, but as tired as I was, I knew I couldn’t sleep.

Instead of even trying, I pulled out the papers Andy had given me for the hundredth time. On one of the pages he drew a picture of him and I embracing, huge smiles on our faces. His legs were wrapped around my waist, like he had jumped into my arms and I had caught him. Since the background was obviously an airport, I had no trouble guessing that Andy had drawn us being together again.

On the other pages, he had written a note. Just glancing at it made me smile because of how terrible the penmanship was. I knew Andy had messy writing normally, but the writing looked so shit in this note, obviously meaning that he had written it quickly.

Ashley,

If you’re reading this, it means I’m dead.

I’m kidding.

But seriously, remember when I said that when you left it would be like you’re dead? I was wrong, I think that when you leave, it’ll be like I’m dead.

I know that when I wrote this that you were still here. When I wrote this you hadn’t left yet and you’re still my boyfriend and you’re just in the next room washing your face to try and hide the fact that you’ve been crying for your parents’ sake… But when you read this, you’ll have already left. Which means that you’ve also taken a piece of my heart with you, and the rest of it will have shattered into a million tiny pieces and I’ll be as if I were dead.

I realised something today, Ash. While we were in the cemetery and you were holding me while we both cried, I realised that I truly and seriously cannot live without you. You’re my everything. You always were, and you always will be. Which means that I can’t and won’t get back together with Jinxx when you’re gone because he’s not you. And I need you.

I also realised that I never once told you about Scout. Scout was my girlfriend of three years before she had dumped me over text message. She didn’t give a reason and I haven’t heard from her since. I thought I was in love with her, Ash. I mean, three years is a fucking long time to be with someone. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest, and I couldn’t remember how to breathe. I fell deeper into depression and my self-harm got worse and I just wanted to die. I felt like I were already dead and I was just operating on autopilot, not caring about anything or anyone.

But then you started talking to me, and while I was cautious at first, I quickly began to fall in love with you. Real, true love.

But can you imagine how much worse my pain will be when you’re gone? I mean, I just thought I loved Scout and it nearly killed me. I know I love you more than anything else in the world, Ash. I don’t know how I’ll be able to survive.

But, and I promise you this Ashley, I will survive and I will keep holding on. For you, and for us. Because we will be together again Ashley. I can fucking promise you that.

I love you.

Oh, and since I mentioned self-harm a bit back: You. Bad. Put down that razor and don’t even fucking think about it. I mean it. I know I can’t tell you what to do, but I just promised you that I will try to survive and keep fighting, which means trying to give up on self-harming. And if I can try, so can you. Please Ash?

When you feel the urge, just remember, Ash: You’re stronger than this. You’re stronger than them. You’re better than all of this. We always have a choice baby, knives or pens. To destroy or to create. We always have a choice.

If that fails, Ashes, just remember that I love you and I will never stop. I’ll always be there for you. Baby, remember my voice and it reminding you that you don’t have to bleed.

Until we meet again. I love you.

Your Andy xoxo

Tears ran down my face as I finished the letter. I already missed him so much that it physically hurt. I glanced back down at the letter as I wiped the tears from my face.

Andy seemed so sure that we would be together again, and I had no idea why he felt so certain. Wishful thinking? I didn’t know.

I did know one thing though:

I would never see Andrew Biersack, the love of my life, again.


A/N: WOW WHAT A RIDE.

I’m so sorry if this is a shit chapter and a TERRIBLE WAY TO END the story. I’m sorry.

I don’t have anything else to say except thank you EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who have supported me throughout this two(ish?) year journey. It means the world to me and I love you all. THANK YOU.

Anyway, as always, please give feedback. Did you like the chapter? And, since “Could This Be Love” is officially over, did you like the story? Please let me know, I can only grow as a writer with feedback.

Again, thank you all.

Until we meet again,

I love you.

xoxox

Notes