The Purdy's
panic attacks and heart break
Today sucked. Genesis and her clique didn’t leave me alone at all. During every class her or one of her minions bothered me and during passing period, I got shoved into a locker really hard and hit my head. I’ve had a headache all day and the cherry to my crap Sunday; I have to walk home in the rain. Again. My little sister Jinxx who is almost five is sick so when I get home, I have to take care of her, my other little sister Eve who is one and my new born brother Kellin while my mom is at work. I was off of campus for maybe all of three minutes when they started in again. They usually follow me home and toss things at me like Eggs and call me names. “Father-less Purdy!!! Get back here you stupid emo bitch! We aren’t done with you!” her annoying high-pitched voice called out to me. Yep. She loves to remind me that neither my siblings nor I know or dad. She also calls my mom a whore. That’s usually when I fight back and then get suspended. It seemed like today wouldn’t end. The 20-minute walk felt like 50 years and the rain just wouldn’t let up. Even in the pouring rain they try to ruin my day. It’s not fair but its my life.
Oh, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet. My name is Andrea Dawn Purdy and I am 14 years old and a freshman in high school. I live in Oregon with my mom and three siblings. I am the oldest and my little brother Kellin is the youngest, being three weeks old. My mom’s name is Mckendrie. She had me when she was 16. Her boyfriend was 15 at the time. She told me that when she found out she was pregnant with me, she moved in with her mom and then she had me and then finished school. I grew up with my grandma raising me while my mom tried to get an education to support her and me. I was 9 when my mom left for LA to get a job. She returned Pregnant. That’s when Jinxx Kendall Purdy was born 9 months later. That was almost five years ago.
From then on it was the three of us against the world. Grandma died when Jinxx was a year old. Being ten years old, my mom decided to tell me about my dad. She said he was her childhood sweetheart and is now in a famous rock band. My mom was different from most girls. She found boys with long hair and a love for music cute. That’s how I was born. My dad was everything my mom ever loved. She told me that my dad was in a very successful upcoming band so she didn’t want to tell him and make him give up his dreams. I think it was a noble but also villainous thing to do. I grew up without a dad. The only kid in school who didn’t even know his name or what he even looked like. Because of that, I was bullied. My mom had two other children after Jinxx was born. Eve was born almost two years ago and Kellin was born three weeks ago.
I had a few close friends in elementary school and middle school but they’re gone now. My two best friends moved away. Evelynn moved to Florida because her grandma was sick and Hunter moved to LA because his dad got custody of him. So when they left at the end of 8th grade, I became a lone wolf in the hell they call high school. Genesis said it was my fault that my mom was a whore and that I didn’t know my dad and that it was my fault Jinxx would never know her dad. I began to self-harm in the beginning of 7th grade and its now the beginning of 9th grade. I have days were I have control and I have days were the blade is my only friend. Being bullied changed me. I grew up with the 80’s rock and most of the 90’s (Green day is the best band ever) music and the other kids made fun of me for not knowing their music. Pop never made me feel happy or welcomed. I felt like an outcast when I listened to it. I didn’t belong in that genre. I belong with my rock.
Sadly, My mom has yet to tell me who my father is or what band he is in. I never realized until now that I have the same last name as my father. And I’m home. Great I get lost in my thoughts and I blank out. I made the walk without realizing it. Oh well. Going inside, I closed the door to our small two-bedroom apartment. Changing into some dry clothes, I pulled out a Black Veil Brides shirt and my favorite grey sweat pants. The apartment was cold so I found my purple fuzzy socks and my fuzzy slippers. Mom should be home any minute now. A knock came at the door. I looked to see that it was Claire, my next-door neighbor. Opening the door I said, “hi Claire. Thank you so much for picking Jinxx, Eve and Kellin up from daycare while my mom is at work.” she smiled and said as she walked in and set my siblings on our crappy couch, “its no problem dear. I heard there is a storm on the way so make sure you make some soup now and bundle up these little joys to stay warm. If you need anything just knock on my door.” She then waved as she left and closed the door behind her.
Sighing, I looked and Jinxx and said, “stay here while I get your blanket and some warm clothes. Kay?” she nodded and then began to play with Eve. She is such a good kid. How on earth was I blessed with such a loyal and smart kid? She never acts up and if she does, its because she doesn’t feel well. Grabbing her blues clues blanket and stuffed animal, I grabbed her warm socks and pants as well as sweater. Walking back into the room, I helped her change into the warmer clothes before going to get Eve warmer clothes also. I grabbed her Winnie the Pooh blanket and stuffed animal and warmer clothes and changed her. I then went to get Kellin a warm blanket as well as clothes. When the three of them were all warm, I turned the TV onto Disney and put Kellin in his bassinet and Eve in her play pin.
Going into the kitchen, I made a warm bottle of milk for Eve and Kellin before making a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for Jinxx and me. When I finished I handed Jinxx her food and handed the warm bottle to Eve and then fed Kellin before I ate. Looking at the clock, I heard the storm worsen. There was a loud crack of thunder and the power went out. Moments later the room was lit up my lighting. Holding a now crying Kellin and Eve, I rocked back and forth and tried to calm Jinxx as well. The storm weathered on for a lot longer as I held my siblings close. When the thunder finally let up, I set a now sleeping Kellin in his bassinet and Eve in her play pin. Jinxx was still cuddled into my side how ever. When the clock read 9:50, I began to worry. Mom was supposed to be here an hour ago. Hopefully she stayed late when the storm began to get worse like she always does.
However, the bad feeling I had in my stomach didn’t go away as the clock read 10:15. I tried to remain calm but it was hard. Deciding on trying to go to bed, I made sure everyone was warm and had a clean diaper and was warm. I fell asleep and tried to be at peace. Sleep wasn’t easy tonight. I tossed and turned and then had horrible nightmares. I woke up this morning at 6:30. When I checked my mom’s room and saw that she wasn’t there, I began to panic. Taking a deep breath, I called her work. When they said she wasn’t there, my worry grew. Getting ready for school, I put on a Pierce The Veil shirt and black skinny jeans. Pulling up my fuzzy socks, I put my feet in my mom’s old pair of doc martins.
Applying only a tiny bit of make up (mascara, eye shadow and eyeliner) I then made breakfast for my siblings and picked out their outfits. I changed Kellin’s diaper before changing him into a long sleeved shirt and pants with warm socks and shoes and then a warm coat. Feeding him his bottle when he woke up, I then began to get Eve ready. I pulled out her purple long sleeved shirt and pants and a pair of fuzzy socks much like my own and then put her coat and shoes on and then fed her. Once those two were done, I put them in the play pin. Waking up Jinxx was the hardest. She was a heavy sleeper and didn’t like being wake up. Mom said she got that from dad and I got being a light sleeper and easy waker (easy to wake up) from her. But she said that I got my hair and my eyes from my dad. The one thing I loved about myself was my eyes and my hair. Mom told me that my dad was part Native American and part Irish.
Jinxx woke up without much hassle this morning, which was a blessing because it usually took her twenty minutes. I handed her the outfit I chose for her and left the room for her to change. Returning with her breakfast, she smiled gratefully and ate it before going to brush her teethe. Like I said, this kid is a blessing. With the three little ones ready for the day, I ate a bowl of lucky charms before going to answer the door. I gave Claire a small smile and said, “thanks for taking them today. Mom never showed last night. It was they and I all night. I’m so glad no one asked where mommy was because I wouldn’t be able to answer.” She gave me a sad smile and a huge hug before taking Kellin and Eve to daycare. I walked Jinxx to her bus stop and gave her a kiss on the head and kneeled down to her level and said, “you behave now jinxxy. Go learn something and make me proud. Got it! And don’t let those mean girls bother you. You are the best kid ever and I love you. Got it! Now have a good day.” she smiled and waved to me as she boarded the bus. The bus driver waved and then pulled away from the curb.
Now it was just me. My watch read that it was 7:40. Class started and 8:20. Going back into the apartment, I grabbed my back pack and the homework I finished in class before making sure I had my keys and locking the door before heading of to hell, oh wait I mean school. The walk dragged on as I replayed the lyrics to Savior and Fallen Angels (by BVB) in my head as I neared closer to my school. Checking the time, it was 8:15. That took longer than I expected. Oh well. Walking into first period, I sat in my usual seat in the back. Mr. Washington lectured us about electrons and electricity but I couldn’t help but not pay attention. Second period wasn’t much better, subject and predicate was to confusing to even begin to understand so I sat there doodling in my notebook. Thankfully Mrs. Leno didn’t notice. For some reason, no one bothered me for the first two periods. Something is up.
The walk to third period is long. I have to walk all the way across campus and then I have to avoid the cliques. As much as I love art, I hate my teacher. Mrs. Nguyen hates me and makes my life difficult. She’ll ignore me all of class and wont help me until the last five minutes of class and then she’ll tell me that my work looks bad and needs a lot of improvement. She also hates me because I have really pretty eyes and she has boring brown ones where as mine look like hazel Carmel pools while hers look like dog shit. Class went as it normally does which meant I probably had three anxiety attacks. Yep this woman brings out the worst in me. She literally gives me panic attacks and she knows it and yet continues to do it. I hate her for it. Today our assignment was to draw a figure we looked up to.
Drum roll please…. I picked. …Billie Joe Armstrong. Yep. I had y’all thinking it would be like Andy Biersack or something. Like me, Billie had anxiety and panic attacks growing up and he also didn’t have his dad (his dad died when he was 10). Finishing up, I noticed I had three minutes left of class. Packing up my stuff, I turned my drawing in and then waited for the bell to ring. Break was next which also meant I had to watch my back for Genesis to show up and beat me again. 15 minutes and 3 hiding places later, it was time for 4th period. My favorite class, theater. Walking into the A building I was met but the smell of an old building. The music/theater building was falling apart because sports were the most important thing at our school.
Stepping inside the room, I was met with 35 faces I just didn’t belong with. The teacher however, Mrs. Woods loved me. She supported me and loved my energy and willingness to go up on stage on the flip of a dime. It was my peers who had the problem with me. My class was made up of nerds, animie lovers, preps, jocks, k-pop fan girls and a few beliebers and Directioners. And then there’s me. The outcast. No one wanted to work with me and no one would talk to me. I was all alone. It hurt like hell too. Those people made me want the blade more than ever. They tried to make me want to drop this class or ditch but I couldn’t do it. They would win then. So I stood tall and did my best. I aced every performance so far and had the highest grade. I wanted to make my mom proud and if my dad knew whom I was, he would be proud. (I hope).
It was half way through the class when I got that bad feeling I had last night. The phone rang and I prayed hard that it wasn’t for me. When Mrs. Woods answered the call, her face dropped. She then told the class they had a five-minute break while she pulled me out of class. She pulled me into a tight hug and said, “Andrea, that was the office. There are police officers up there. They said that your mom was in a car accident. I’m so sorry. She didn’t make it.” my whole world shattered in an instance. My first worry was my siblings. “Do my sisters know?” she shook her head no. I took a deep breath and asked, “what’s going to happened to us?” she held me tight and said, “ you might me put in foster care and split up unless they find your dad.” Tears then began to fall at the thought of never seeing Jinxx, Eve or Kellin again.
Mrs. Woods returned to the room for a moment to gather my stuff. She left James in charge (horrible idea.) and walked me to the office. The entire office staff gave me looks of pity and sympathy. I shook my head and asked the officer; “ it happened last night in the storm didn’t it?” he nodded. “Damn it! I knew when she didn’t come home last night and her work said she wasn’t there this morning that something was wrong.” Kicking a wall. I began to cry harder. The officer said, “I’m officer Garcia and I’m going to be taking you and your siblings to a social worker. The social worker will try to find your family and if there is no one then you will be put in foster care.”
I nodded and wiped away the tears. I asked if anyone told Jinxx yet and they said no. My heart broke. I’d probably have to be the one to tell her. How on earth was I going to do that? Damn it! Why did I have to lose the one person who cared about me? It’s not fair! I didn’t want to believe any of it but I knew it was the cold hard truth. How could she be dead? How could she leave her 14 year old daughter with her two littler sisters and newborn brother? Kellin will never know his mom now! It’s not fair! And neither will Eve. She’s too young to remember. Jinxx will barely remember when she gets older. Mom wasn’t around as much after Jinxx was born. Grandma and me took care of her. That was until grandma died. Then it was just me. I’ve pretty much raised Jinxx myself and now I’m going to have to raise Eve and Kellin. I don’t have a job, I have no money, and how are we going to get by? We’re most likely going to end up in foster care and split up for good.
Following officer Garcia to his squad car, I got in the back and pulled my knees to my chest. Rocking back and forth I thought about how I would tell my younger sister that Mommy wasn’t coming home. My heart broke more. I began to panic at the thought of losing my siblings because we were going to be split up. My panicking led me to a full-blown panic attack. My breathing quickened and my vision began to fog. The last thing I remember is officer Garcia asking if I was okay.
Oh, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet. My name is Andrea Dawn Purdy and I am 14 years old and a freshman in high school. I live in Oregon with my mom and three siblings. I am the oldest and my little brother Kellin is the youngest, being three weeks old. My mom’s name is Mckendrie. She had me when she was 16. Her boyfriend was 15 at the time. She told me that when she found out she was pregnant with me, she moved in with her mom and then she had me and then finished school. I grew up with my grandma raising me while my mom tried to get an education to support her and me. I was 9 when my mom left for LA to get a job. She returned Pregnant. That’s when Jinxx Kendall Purdy was born 9 months later. That was almost five years ago.
From then on it was the three of us against the world. Grandma died when Jinxx was a year old. Being ten years old, my mom decided to tell me about my dad. She said he was her childhood sweetheart and is now in a famous rock band. My mom was different from most girls. She found boys with long hair and a love for music cute. That’s how I was born. My dad was everything my mom ever loved. She told me that my dad was in a very successful upcoming band so she didn’t want to tell him and make him give up his dreams. I think it was a noble but also villainous thing to do. I grew up without a dad. The only kid in school who didn’t even know his name or what he even looked like. Because of that, I was bullied. My mom had two other children after Jinxx was born. Eve was born almost two years ago and Kellin was born three weeks ago.
I had a few close friends in elementary school and middle school but they’re gone now. My two best friends moved away. Evelynn moved to Florida because her grandma was sick and Hunter moved to LA because his dad got custody of him. So when they left at the end of 8th grade, I became a lone wolf in the hell they call high school. Genesis said it was my fault that my mom was a whore and that I didn’t know my dad and that it was my fault Jinxx would never know her dad. I began to self-harm in the beginning of 7th grade and its now the beginning of 9th grade. I have days were I have control and I have days were the blade is my only friend. Being bullied changed me. I grew up with the 80’s rock and most of the 90’s (Green day is the best band ever) music and the other kids made fun of me for not knowing their music. Pop never made me feel happy or welcomed. I felt like an outcast when I listened to it. I didn’t belong in that genre. I belong with my rock.
Sadly, My mom has yet to tell me who my father is or what band he is in. I never realized until now that I have the same last name as my father. And I’m home. Great I get lost in my thoughts and I blank out. I made the walk without realizing it. Oh well. Going inside, I closed the door to our small two-bedroom apartment. Changing into some dry clothes, I pulled out a Black Veil Brides shirt and my favorite grey sweat pants. The apartment was cold so I found my purple fuzzy socks and my fuzzy slippers. Mom should be home any minute now. A knock came at the door. I looked to see that it was Claire, my next-door neighbor. Opening the door I said, “hi Claire. Thank you so much for picking Jinxx, Eve and Kellin up from daycare while my mom is at work.” she smiled and said as she walked in and set my siblings on our crappy couch, “its no problem dear. I heard there is a storm on the way so make sure you make some soup now and bundle up these little joys to stay warm. If you need anything just knock on my door.” She then waved as she left and closed the door behind her.
Sighing, I looked and Jinxx and said, “stay here while I get your blanket and some warm clothes. Kay?” she nodded and then began to play with Eve. She is such a good kid. How on earth was I blessed with such a loyal and smart kid? She never acts up and if she does, its because she doesn’t feel well. Grabbing her blues clues blanket and stuffed animal, I grabbed her warm socks and pants as well as sweater. Walking back into the room, I helped her change into the warmer clothes before going to get Eve warmer clothes also. I grabbed her Winnie the Pooh blanket and stuffed animal and warmer clothes and changed her. I then went to get Kellin a warm blanket as well as clothes. When the three of them were all warm, I turned the TV onto Disney and put Kellin in his bassinet and Eve in her play pin.
Going into the kitchen, I made a warm bottle of milk for Eve and Kellin before making a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for Jinxx and me. When I finished I handed Jinxx her food and handed the warm bottle to Eve and then fed Kellin before I ate. Looking at the clock, I heard the storm worsen. There was a loud crack of thunder and the power went out. Moments later the room was lit up my lighting. Holding a now crying Kellin and Eve, I rocked back and forth and tried to calm Jinxx as well. The storm weathered on for a lot longer as I held my siblings close. When the thunder finally let up, I set a now sleeping Kellin in his bassinet and Eve in her play pin. Jinxx was still cuddled into my side how ever. When the clock read 9:50, I began to worry. Mom was supposed to be here an hour ago. Hopefully she stayed late when the storm began to get worse like she always does.
However, the bad feeling I had in my stomach didn’t go away as the clock read 10:15. I tried to remain calm but it was hard. Deciding on trying to go to bed, I made sure everyone was warm and had a clean diaper and was warm. I fell asleep and tried to be at peace. Sleep wasn’t easy tonight. I tossed and turned and then had horrible nightmares. I woke up this morning at 6:30. When I checked my mom’s room and saw that she wasn’t there, I began to panic. Taking a deep breath, I called her work. When they said she wasn’t there, my worry grew. Getting ready for school, I put on a Pierce The Veil shirt and black skinny jeans. Pulling up my fuzzy socks, I put my feet in my mom’s old pair of doc martins.
Applying only a tiny bit of make up (mascara, eye shadow and eyeliner) I then made breakfast for my siblings and picked out their outfits. I changed Kellin’s diaper before changing him into a long sleeved shirt and pants with warm socks and shoes and then a warm coat. Feeding him his bottle when he woke up, I then began to get Eve ready. I pulled out her purple long sleeved shirt and pants and a pair of fuzzy socks much like my own and then put her coat and shoes on and then fed her. Once those two were done, I put them in the play pin. Waking up Jinxx was the hardest. She was a heavy sleeper and didn’t like being wake up. Mom said she got that from dad and I got being a light sleeper and easy waker (easy to wake up) from her. But she said that I got my hair and my eyes from my dad. The one thing I loved about myself was my eyes and my hair. Mom told me that my dad was part Native American and part Irish.
Jinxx woke up without much hassle this morning, which was a blessing because it usually took her twenty minutes. I handed her the outfit I chose for her and left the room for her to change. Returning with her breakfast, she smiled gratefully and ate it before going to brush her teethe. Like I said, this kid is a blessing. With the three little ones ready for the day, I ate a bowl of lucky charms before going to answer the door. I gave Claire a small smile and said, “thanks for taking them today. Mom never showed last night. It was they and I all night. I’m so glad no one asked where mommy was because I wouldn’t be able to answer.” She gave me a sad smile and a huge hug before taking Kellin and Eve to daycare. I walked Jinxx to her bus stop and gave her a kiss on the head and kneeled down to her level and said, “you behave now jinxxy. Go learn something and make me proud. Got it! And don’t let those mean girls bother you. You are the best kid ever and I love you. Got it! Now have a good day.” she smiled and waved to me as she boarded the bus. The bus driver waved and then pulled away from the curb.
Now it was just me. My watch read that it was 7:40. Class started and 8:20. Going back into the apartment, I grabbed my back pack and the homework I finished in class before making sure I had my keys and locking the door before heading of to hell, oh wait I mean school. The walk dragged on as I replayed the lyrics to Savior and Fallen Angels (by BVB) in my head as I neared closer to my school. Checking the time, it was 8:15. That took longer than I expected. Oh well. Walking into first period, I sat in my usual seat in the back. Mr. Washington lectured us about electrons and electricity but I couldn’t help but not pay attention. Second period wasn’t much better, subject and predicate was to confusing to even begin to understand so I sat there doodling in my notebook. Thankfully Mrs. Leno didn’t notice. For some reason, no one bothered me for the first two periods. Something is up.
The walk to third period is long. I have to walk all the way across campus and then I have to avoid the cliques. As much as I love art, I hate my teacher. Mrs. Nguyen hates me and makes my life difficult. She’ll ignore me all of class and wont help me until the last five minutes of class and then she’ll tell me that my work looks bad and needs a lot of improvement. She also hates me because I have really pretty eyes and she has boring brown ones where as mine look like hazel Carmel pools while hers look like dog shit. Class went as it normally does which meant I probably had three anxiety attacks. Yep this woman brings out the worst in me. She literally gives me panic attacks and she knows it and yet continues to do it. I hate her for it. Today our assignment was to draw a figure we looked up to.
Drum roll please…. I picked. …Billie Joe Armstrong. Yep. I had y’all thinking it would be like Andy Biersack or something. Like me, Billie had anxiety and panic attacks growing up and he also didn’t have his dad (his dad died when he was 10). Finishing up, I noticed I had three minutes left of class. Packing up my stuff, I turned my drawing in and then waited for the bell to ring. Break was next which also meant I had to watch my back for Genesis to show up and beat me again. 15 minutes and 3 hiding places later, it was time for 4th period. My favorite class, theater. Walking into the A building I was met but the smell of an old building. The music/theater building was falling apart because sports were the most important thing at our school.
Stepping inside the room, I was met with 35 faces I just didn’t belong with. The teacher however, Mrs. Woods loved me. She supported me and loved my energy and willingness to go up on stage on the flip of a dime. It was my peers who had the problem with me. My class was made up of nerds, animie lovers, preps, jocks, k-pop fan girls and a few beliebers and Directioners. And then there’s me. The outcast. No one wanted to work with me and no one would talk to me. I was all alone. It hurt like hell too. Those people made me want the blade more than ever. They tried to make me want to drop this class or ditch but I couldn’t do it. They would win then. So I stood tall and did my best. I aced every performance so far and had the highest grade. I wanted to make my mom proud and if my dad knew whom I was, he would be proud. (I hope).
It was half way through the class when I got that bad feeling I had last night. The phone rang and I prayed hard that it wasn’t for me. When Mrs. Woods answered the call, her face dropped. She then told the class they had a five-minute break while she pulled me out of class. She pulled me into a tight hug and said, “Andrea, that was the office. There are police officers up there. They said that your mom was in a car accident. I’m so sorry. She didn’t make it.” my whole world shattered in an instance. My first worry was my siblings. “Do my sisters know?” she shook her head no. I took a deep breath and asked, “what’s going to happened to us?” she held me tight and said, “ you might me put in foster care and split up unless they find your dad.” Tears then began to fall at the thought of never seeing Jinxx, Eve or Kellin again.
Mrs. Woods returned to the room for a moment to gather my stuff. She left James in charge (horrible idea.) and walked me to the office. The entire office staff gave me looks of pity and sympathy. I shook my head and asked the officer; “ it happened last night in the storm didn’t it?” he nodded. “Damn it! I knew when she didn’t come home last night and her work said she wasn’t there this morning that something was wrong.” Kicking a wall. I began to cry harder. The officer said, “I’m officer Garcia and I’m going to be taking you and your siblings to a social worker. The social worker will try to find your family and if there is no one then you will be put in foster care.”
I nodded and wiped away the tears. I asked if anyone told Jinxx yet and they said no. My heart broke. I’d probably have to be the one to tell her. How on earth was I going to do that? Damn it! Why did I have to lose the one person who cared about me? It’s not fair! I didn’t want to believe any of it but I knew it was the cold hard truth. How could she be dead? How could she leave her 14 year old daughter with her two littler sisters and newborn brother? Kellin will never know his mom now! It’s not fair! And neither will Eve. She’s too young to remember. Jinxx will barely remember when she gets older. Mom wasn’t around as much after Jinxx was born. Grandma and me took care of her. That was until grandma died. Then it was just me. I’ve pretty much raised Jinxx myself and now I’m going to have to raise Eve and Kellin. I don’t have a job, I have no money, and how are we going to get by? We’re most likely going to end up in foster care and split up for good.
Following officer Garcia to his squad car, I got in the back and pulled my knees to my chest. Rocking back and forth I thought about how I would tell my younger sister that Mommy wasn’t coming home. My heart broke more. I began to panic at the thought of losing my siblings because we were going to be split up. My panicking led me to a full-blown panic attack. My breathing quickened and my vision began to fog. The last thing I remember is officer Garcia asking if I was okay.
Thanks! (:
2/23/15