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Ronnie Cant Swag

Watch You Sleep

Finally, a break from vocab time! Legit, I'm questioning how I made it through the year without my teacher even raising an eyebrow at all the innuedo and jerk moves, or asking even once, "Who are Ronnie and Ashley? Why does Ronnie act ghetto? What's Ashley's issue with him?" I still have quite a bit of those little 3 liners left. Maybe I'll actually type them all up and set them loose on the world. Also, I've gotten some complaints that Ronnie seems out of character in this story. It's because being high changes people, and the majority of times that he's in a chapter, he's stoned.

At the present moment, Ronnie is extremely stoned. And as all of you know, the majority of his most idiotic ideas seem to come when he's high off of a (usually illegal) substance. This time would be no different.

As he sat on his couch, growing steadily more baked, the TV on in front of him, a string of sappy lovey dovey commercials came on, before a girly romantic comedy returned to grace the screen.

Sitting there, watching chick flicks, the first thought that ran through Ronnie's head was "It's so fuckin' cute when you're dating someone and they stay awake watching you sleep to make sure you're ok."

Several minutes later, another thought followed. This time, it was "God, I wish someone would do this for me."

Then Ronnie had to remind himself that he was a guy, so technically, he had to do the cutesy watching while his girlfriend got to sleep peacefully.

With this thought, he leapt up from the couch and sprinted into the bedroom. Or at least, he tried to. As baked as he was, he barely managed to haul his ass off the couch, and shuffle, zombie-like into his bedroom. As he entered, he took note of the fact that the room looked like a dump site, and the bed was free of other persons in there.

It took his poor brain several minutes to comprehend this, however, and several more to get the point across to the singer.

It was then that he remembered that he was single, and had been for some time. Although he looked at swag as a way to get women, citing all the rappers with women dancing all over them in videos, and pimps, not a single woman had approached him since he had started this swag phenomenon. And to make matters worse, even when he approached them, they ran away from him. Apparently they didn't like swag. But that didn't stop him from trying.

"But I wanna watch someone sleep and be all fuckin' cute like those gushy ass stories!" He lamented to the cockroach on the other side of the room. It scurried away at the sound of his voice. Personally, I don't blame it.

So after several moments of standing there with an idiotic look on his face, yet another stupid idea crossed Ronnie's mind. Why not get someone he could watch sleeping?

So he set out his front door. First, he headed straight to the red light district, and approached a prostitute.

"So, good-lookin' how much are ya for the night?" He propositioned her.

"Depends on what ya askin' for." She replied, snapping her gum for emphasis, a scrutinizing look on her face.

"Well, I was watchin' dem real faggy movies on TV, and I wannt watch you sleep and shit."

"The fuck is your issue?" The hooker replied, on hand on her hip.

"Well, it's so fuckin' cute, and everyone seems so happy in those Lifetime movies and all."

"Aw hell nah! You got issues! I-S-S-U-E-S issues! She-MAR!" The streetwalker hollered at the top of her lungs.

Her pimp came barreling out of a rusty old car parked across the street.

"This motha' fucka' givin' you problems?" He asked when he approached the pair, hand going behind his back to where he undoubtedly kept a piece.

"Sayin' he wanna watch me take a shit!"

"Nah, yo, didn't it mean like that, you came out wrong, got it?" Ronnie said, managing to mix up all of his words, effectively making less sense and digging himself into a deeper hole than he was in already.

"How fuckin high is you to be sayin' shit like that?" The pimp asked, an awestruck look on his face.

"Tha moon, brotha!" Ronnie replied, eyes glassy.

The pimp's hand let go of the gun tucked into the waistband of his pants below his purple zebra printed velvet coat, forming a fist instead. "Now I'ma let you off with a warning since you so fuckin' high you stupid as fuck. Get tha fuck out ma sight dis minute, o else!"

And with this, Ronnie was left with a black eye. He shuffled off, dejected.

He wandered into the local hospital, finding himself in the room where parents were able to view their newborn babies. He stood there, just looking at them, because he could watch them sleep and they'd never have a problem with it. After a few minutes of him standing there, a derpy look on his face, a nurse passed by him, and said, "Sir, I'm sorry, but our visiting hours are over. You can return to see your child at 8 A.M. Tomorrow."

He nodded, and mumbled, "I'ma leave in a minute."

She gave him a pointed look, and he turned to leave. However, on the way in was a furious man, who punched Ronnie in his other eye. "You lying sack of shit!"

"What?" The singer slurred, confused.

"My wife's child is yours because ya kept sniffin' round after I told ya to leave!" The man yelled.

"Didn't do shit!" Ronnie replied. He never remembered seeing this man in his life before.

"Bullshit!" The man yelled, aiming another fist at Ronnie, who managed to dodge only on account of his balance being so far gone. From his place on the floor, Ronnie crawled towards the door, aided by a swift kick in the ass from the man.

Then, he ran from the hospital like the devil himself was hot on his heels.

Somehow, from there, he ended up at Andy's house. There, he committed the crime of breaking the window, and entering through it, leaving shards of glass all over Andy's couch, coffee table, and carpet. Then, he managed to knock over a vase of flowers and several nick-knacks from a side table, sending them crashing to the floor below.

All this ruckus caused Andy to wake up and come down the stairs, flipping on the lights, yelling like a kung fu master, a large baseball bat in his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked, still half asleep.

"I wanna watch you sleep!" Ronnie offered helpfully.

"No, just... no. Get the fuck out." Andy said, pointing towards the front door with the bat.


"And I'm expecting you to come back in the morning and clean this shit up."


"Lock the door behind you."

There was an awkward moment of Andy standing there, glaring at Ronnie, one hand on his hip, the other holding the baseball bat, until Ronnie shuffled his way back into the living room, and jumped back through the window he had broken.

However, Ronnie was still at a loss as to how to satisfy his desire to watch someone sleep. The one coherent brain cell that he miraculously still had yelled at him, "NO! Stop it! Go home!"

He ignored that little brain cell, however. His ignoring that brain cell was probably what caused police dispatcher Mary Watson to later have to put a call on mute for a moment while she nearly fell out of her seat laughing.

At about midnight, Mary was at her desk, taking 911 calls as she usually did, when a call came in. Answering the typical "911, what is your emergency?"

"Um, hi, like a guy broke in, and he was in my room and watching me sleep and then- Mom, he's already knocked out!" A young-ish sounding voice replied on the other end.

There was the noise of a commotion, and an older woman's voice replying, "I don't care!"

"Do you need a police unit to be sent out?"

"Please, and probably an ambulance for this guy, he's just... out, yanno?"

Several minutes later, an ambulance and a police patrol unit had been sent out, and had arrived at their location. After making certain that the caller needed nothing more, Mary hung up, to await the next incoming call. About 10 minutes after she had hung up, and after dealing with a domestic dispute call, she received another call.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Some bitch beat the shit out of me!" An irate male's voice came through the speaker. He sounded as though he were under the influence of something.

"Sir, do you need medical assistance?"

"I'm in the back of a fuckin' ambulance right now!"

Taken aback for a moment, she just had to ask, "If you're in the back of an ambulance, why are you calling 911?"

"Cause I wanna press some charges against her! Ain't right to be beatin the shit outta someone and walkin' away free!"

"I can't press charges, sir, I can only send out emergency services."

"Well, can ya tell tha cop that came with the ambulance to arrest her ass for assault?"

"Sir, were you the same person who broke into a woman's house earlier and watched her child sleep?"

"That;s me!"

At this point, Mary had to put the call on mute for a moment as she laughed. He had just admitted to the crime! In her many years of being a 911 operator, she had never had to deal with someone so stupid.

The next morning, Ronnie was in the courtroom of the honorable Judge Johnson.

"So tell me, why did you break in this woman's house?"

"Cause I wanted to watch someone sleep! And I wanna press charges against that woman! She hit me with a bat!"

"This isn't the time to be pressing charges, this is time to defend yourself. And furthermore, she committed an act of self defense."


"Now why did you want to watch someone sleep?"

"Well I was watching Lifetime movies."

The judge deadpanned. "You are aware that most Lifetime movies have domestic abuse in them, yes?"


The judge sighed, before banging his gavel down. "Defendant to be remanded to the custody of the county jail, where he is to serve a minimum of 30 days of a 90 day sentence for breaking and entering."


Added "Get back in the silverware drawer!" to my vocab. And if this story continued only in vocab chapters I'd still be pretty happy. Thank you for this story

Also, the commenter before me gets mad swiggity swag points for giving me the term 'Oh my Jinxx'.

onefinalfightdoe onefinalfightdoe

Oh my Jinxx, please update, this is the funniest thing ever! I don't know how many times I laughed till I cried while reading this!


Why thank you :)
This is awesome.
Holy shit I dont think I have ever laughed this hard ever!!!
Pinja. Pinja.