I am Jessica Pitts.

"And this is my room or should I say our room" Ashley said opening the door revealing what was now our bedroom.

The room had red walls and clothes cluttering the floor. Off to the side next to a window the full size bed covered with a zebra blanket sat.
"So that's it I know it's a tiny apartment but it's ours" he said and I smiled again before letting out a slow breath

I dumped my bags on the floor and turned to him smiling as he walked to me and wrapped his arms around my waist bringing our faces close together.

His hazel eyes locked with mine and we both smiled.

"I can't believe you're living with me, I couldn't handle watching cc and Lauren being cute while I'm all lonely" he said and I smiled pecking his lips before we pulled away.

This whole situation was so much to take in, my past was my past and now my reality seemed like some weird dream and I knew for a fact I never wanted to wake up if that was the case.

"You okay?" Ashley asked and I smiled nodding checking back into reality.

"I'm fine, uh question" I asked and he Smiled at me

"Answere"

"Can I smoke on the balcony?" I asked remebering there was a walk off pouch from the living room

He looked at me curiously still displaying a small smile

"Yeah of course but babe I only thought you smoked like once every month or when you were feeling depressed or confused are you okay?" He asked and I sighed out chuckling a little

"I'm fine it's just a habit I've picked more up on"

" a bad one but I mean it beats your others, go right ahead babe" he said nodding and fixing his hair slightly.

"Not right now, just wanted to know"

He smiled before yawning a little

"That's perfectly fine as I said our home is yours now, cc smokes as well so I can assure you we don't mind."

I grinned smiling as I started to slowly put some of my clothes in the cleared closet space he made for me.

"So it's pretty late" he said and I laughed craning my neck to look at the red alarm clock that read 7.

We got in around 5 got food and everything so I can see why he was tired especially from all the flying he's done this week.

"It's 7 but if you want to nap we can" I said he smiled before nodding

"If you don't mind I am so tired" he said stretching slightly

I smiled before shaking my head and going into the drawers taking out a pair of his black shorts and a random Tshirt. I stood up seeing him leaning against the wall with a slight smirk.

"I see you're already making yourself at home" he smirked and I nodded

"i am problem?" i asked a small smile resting on my lips making him loft his hands in mock surrender.

"Not at all"

i couldn't help but smile again before walking out the door and across the hearing the tv coming from the living too meaning cc and Lauren were in there.

I walked into the bathroom and quickly changed before brushing my teeth and walking out turning the light off and walking back Into our room.

When I walked in the light was still on and the curtains were closed leaving the setting sun to be dull as it peeked through the sides. Ashley sat in the bed under the blanket without a shirt resting his hands behind his head making me smile and dump my clothes in the corner.

I placed my cigarets and phone on the tv stand before going to the bed and climbing in it instantly moving against Ashley's warm chest. I smiled feeling his arms tighten around me as I nuzzled into the pillow next to his head starring at his beautiful eyes as I felt his fingers trace patterns into my shoulder

"You are so beautiful" he said softly making me smile

"You're not too bad yourself"

he smiled before pecking my lips and leaning back into the bed and closing his eyes.

"Thank you for coming with us" he said and I smirked moving my head closer to his shoulder.

"We'll thank you for having me"

I felt his arms tighten around me as he placed a kiss on my head before dropping it again and slowly tracing patterns into my skin until he finally stopped when he fell into a sleep.

I soon felt my own breathing start to fade off with nothing but the low hum of the tv invading my thoughts

-

Suffocation, darkness, anxiety. That's all I felt. I couldn't see anything but I knew something was off. I couldn't hear anything but I was aware of something. What it was I couldn't tell. I felt like my air was slipping slowly and slowly each chance to take a breath slipped away from me until finally no air would fill my lungs.

-

I woke up breathing heavy gasping for a breath.sweat covered my face as I sighed in relief trying to catch my breath. I didn't know what my dream involve but all I knew was that it left me breathless.

I looked beside me seeing Ashley laying on his back with his arm still barely wrapped around me as snores erupted from his mouth.

I smiled before checking the clock to see what time it was hoping I got at least some sleep.

1am

I layed back in the bed breathing heavy, my chest felt like it was on fire, I needed to smoke. I slowly lifted Ashley's arm up not wanting to wake him. I pushed the covers of me and got up walking to the tv stand.

I grabbed my cigarets and through on a random sweatshirt before walking slowly out of the room still hearing the tv on. I walked into the living room seeing cc ad Lauren passed out on the couch cuddles up next to each other.

I smiled and walked past the couch slowly before opening the sliding door. It let out a loud creak and I immediately froze looking back at the still sleeping couple. When I realized they were still asleep I stepped out and slid the door shut the noise not as loud as before.

I looked out at the city the darkness being overtaken by some of the lights. I could hear cars below us and I sighed.

I walked to the railing and leaned against it before taking out a cigaret with shaky hands and lighting it before taking a huge inhale.

My anxiety was killing me from that dream, anxiety dreams, they were always the worst because they had no meaning to them except to make me wake up confused and filled with bubbled up pressure inside of me

I sighed out before stubbing my quickly finished cigaret out and placing it in an ashtray that must be ccs. I took in a deep breath before dropping my head down into my hands.

I was so confused. I had no idea what I wanted with my life and I just didn't want to dissapoint anybody. I loved what I had right now I had my brother close to me only 10 minutes at most I had a room with my boyfriend. I just was filled with confusion. What I wanted to do, what life meant. I was in a slump and no matter what happened. I felt as If nothing was making me happy .

I groaned shoving my hand into my pocket feeling something sharp and cold. My blood froze as I realized what it was and before I could control myself I had it out of my pocket and in my hand.

Another habit, I couldn't control myself, self mutalation was my way of just letting go of everything. I leaned against the rail lightly brushing it across my wrist, I didn't want to do it but there was a voice telling me that I did. I did want to but I couldn't and I knew that. This was all about a new start.

I closed my eyes and tightened my grip on the blade that still pressed against my wrist.

"Don't you fucking dare"

I snapped into reality turning around and dropping the blade onto the wooden deck.

I looked up seeing cc standing there looking at me worriedly He stepped on to the porch quickly bending down to pick up the blade. I watched numb as he looked at me again

"Give me your arms"

"Cc I-"

"Now" he said his voice still laced with worry and sleep

I sighed and held them out to him as he looked them over and sighed in relief when he saw nothing

"What wrong?" He asked rubbing my arms much calmer knowing he stopped before something happened.

" I just had a nightmare and I started to get anxiety and I just was over thinking I found it and I was just thinking I don't even know if I was going to"

He sighed before rubbing my arms again

"I'm just so confused cc, I can't take it why am I so upset in life? I should be so happy and I am at times but It will always ends with me sad" I said feeling a few tears fall Cc grabbed me and pulled me into hug squeezing me

"I don't know either and it kills me that you're always sad no matter what I say, or do, any of us we try so hard"

"It works but I'm just always left- "

"Feeling depressed I know" he said finishing for me before sighing and letting go looking at me

"Maybe we should see a doctor? I feel like you could benefit from anxiety or depression medicine?"

I sighed before shrugging " I know you don't want it but honestly I think you need help Jessica"

Those words ate at me. I wasn't crazy I don't need help but what if I was crazy?

"I know" I said and he sighed wiping a tear from my face

"We'll talk about this tomorrow okay? You me and Ashley? Okay? We're going to help you"

I smiled slightly nodding. I would let them because I knew at this point I did need something. He smiled kissing my head

" lets get back to bed okay? Go snuggle up to your man" he said and I slapped him playfully.

Same old cc

"we'll talk about it all again tomorrow okay? But for now just relax and try to sleep, if you can't please for the love of god wake me up, wake Ashley up, we will help you"

"i will thank you" he kissed my head before leading me inside.

Once we got in Lauren looked at me smiling sadly but I said nothing as I walked in and down the hall to Ashley's room again.

I climbed back in and snuggled close to Ashley and in his sleep he rolled back over and hugged me close to him his warm breath immediately soothing me enough to let my body relax and try to go back to sleep.

Notes

Hiya..back after like 9 months..Im so sorry I'm goif to try to keep updating way more.