Everything is a mess, and I keep making it all worse. One minute I think I know what I need to do, and then something happens. I change my mind more than I care to admit, but I'm starting to see how hard life really is. High school always made everything seem simple. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't picked on, nor an outcast, either. I existed. I got by just fine with my life, and had a couple friends I saw nearly everyday.

Now I feel like I have no one, but at the same time, I know that's a lie. Riktor is family, but he's my best friend. Then there is Rhys and Reena, and then the one person everyone wants me to talk about- Andy. What is there to really say about him? Though he is the reason my heart keeps breaking, he is doing his best to show me he cares after the fact.

I'm not sure what to do.

My heart is telling me that I need to be with him. As though happiness would not become of me otherwise. I know I have been wishing for him to notice me in a romantic way for years, but now that it's happening, is this what I really want? I can't tell.

My head is telling me that it isn't smart. He is always away. The career he has chosen leaves him traveling so often. He will be away for months at a time, and could easily find someone else. He is always in the public eye, and I am not sure I would be able to do that.

He wants to come visit me. Rhys seems to think I should give him a chance to explain, but I'm not sure how well that would go over. Something tells me it would be just another brokenhearted moment for me, and could I handle that? I'm already in the hospital being forced to stay as it is safer for me this way. They say I am mentally unstable, and suicidal. They say all this, and yet I am sitting in a regular hospital room. I am not in the psychiatric ward. I overheard the doctor telling my mum that they have no spare beds, but as soon as there is one I will spend a full two weeks there- longer if they feel I am a greater danger to myself than previously assessed.

If I were as bad as they say, I would be dead already.

Now, help me. Do I let him visit? Do I talk to him? Do I risk the pain?

I don't know what to do.

Notes

title credit: why can't you see – saosin

all caught up with mibba so now its whenever i update the story youll get updates. sorry.